Question:
Dear Shadchante,
I am a single girl who has been in shidduchim for more
years than I want to mention. I've reached the point where I
feel that I should consider previously married men, i.e.
widowers and divorced men, but I do not know how to go about
this research. By now, my family does not get so involved in
my social life and I feel like I need tools for researching
dates, for processing the dates and sorting out what I
feel/think after a date...
Another point I wanted to air concerns: my family and
friends. I sense that a lot of people who are close to me
feel burned out and keep their distance about discussing/
suggesting shidduchim for me. It IS a sensitive topic
for me but I feel like I need someone to speak to in a non-
pressured free and easy way. Can you advise all the "well
intentioned eitza-givers" to play it cool. Not to
pressure the mature girls/fellows in shidduchim, yet
to stay connected to us??
Thank you in advance,
I hope you can help the situation . . .
P.S. I follow your column religiously....
Single and trying to stay sane"
Answer:
Part II
Inquiries
I expressed to a renowned posek the impenetrability of
getting to the heart of things, to the core of the causes of
divorces. How do we find out exactly what went on and what
happened?
Each side has their version of what went wrong. Even when
both parties are heard out, it's difficult to imagine what
really went on behind the four walls. Each carries a heavy
load of bitterness, rage, frustration . . . I had on occasion
met separately with each party and their accounts were so
contradictory that it was nearly impossible to put the pieces
of the puzzle together.
When asking a so-called "neutral party," like a neighbor,
what guarantees that the report is totally unbiased? Does he
have the full picture? A shalom bayis therapist won't
be allowed to reveal what went on in the sessions because of
basic professional ethics. There are exceptions, but usually
a relative can't be expected to be objective either.
Someone you know to be respected and trusted will have a much
more valid report than a mere reference that is unknown. But
in any case, ask the informant what his impression is based
on. Before asking any questions, elucidate the relationship
the reference has with the person asked about. That will give
weight to his account, indicating if he is coming to justify
one of the sides or if he can give over what went on,
factually, without distortions.
Since the halochah dictates that the more serious the
relationship, the more information is revealed, don't expect
to be told all the details before meeting. Obviously it is
not necessary for everyone to know everything, but we hope
that yirei shamaim will ask shailas and not
withhold what must be said.
The key response I received is that judges are one of the
main sources of information. A reliable Beis Din will
look into the situation rather then automatically give the
divorce, unless it is an obvious and urgent need. When there
is hope for reconciliation, they try to influence the couple
to go for counseling. Otherwise, a file is registered for the
separation process. There are clear-cut cases where a spouse
had a severe emotional problem — being abusive,
unstable and non-functional, among the most serious.
It is recommended to ask for help from someone you know who
has experience in making inquiries and who is well connected.
He might have better tools than you to get to the information
available. If this relative or acquaintance has a respected
communal position he will have an easier time to get to the
judges that were involved in the divorce.
Do not undertake to make all the decisions alone. Find
someone that can advise you, which you look up to and who has
experience in guiding others in shidduchim. It is a
critical period in your life and the situations you might
face are quite intricate. By all means, only open your heart
to capable, understanding, caring contacts. If you
brainstorm, you will come up with a relative, teacher,
neighbor, etc. who really cares and will be able to assist
you. It is a rapport that has to be developed.
Don't expect to simply approach the acquaintance and it will
be automatically clear what is needed. You must be able to
respect such a mentor and feel at ease that there is mutual
understanding of what you are looking for and what are your
concerns. For that you need to be willing to confide, keep in
touch and even more important — receive guidance!
"Well-Intentioned Eitza Givers"
My wise mother says that if opinionating were not free, it
would have been given much less. Although nine out of ten
speech measures were given to women, both beings like to talk
and voice their opinion. Yes, even when it is not
requested.
When we want to give, we have to ask ourselves not what we
would like to do, but what is wanted! Even when someone opens
up, in general, the need is much more to be heard, to feel
warmth and love then to be told what to do.
If we would think twice before we open our mouths, we would
transgress onaas devarim much less. Although we might
be strict in other areas of religious law, we tend to forget
that there is endless room to be stringent on bein adam
lechaveiro. Being older and single is painful enough; we
have to be careful not to add pain to the wounds . . .
Therefore, rather then intruding, the worst you can do for an
older single is to treat her like a nebech, claiming
to be the all powerful that has just the right solution or
segula to her predicament. Positive encouragement and
friendly cheerful words go a long way and can literally save
the day when someone is down. What you can and should do is
pray and try to think of appropriate suggestions!
(Rebbetzin Travis has many years of experience and success in
helping people through shidduchim. Please note that
all names have been changed unless specified, with the
exception of well-known public figures like Gedolim
and educators. Any comments, questions and stories can be
sent to: travisdn@013.net or at (02) 656-3111)
