"[Rebbetzin Kanievsky] listened to me with such obvious
concern, caring and intensity that I felt as if she was
absorbing me into herself! When we finished talking, she went
to her husband, in another part of the apartment, and relayed
what I told her. While waiting for her return, I prayed very
hard that what I would hear would help me better understand
what to do."
CHAPTER 4
NOT AGAIN!
Eighteen months after my bout with breast cancer, I was again
in the hospital. This time I was diagnosed as having colon
cancer. Tests revealed that it was unrelated to the breast
cancer.
After surgery was performed, and the pathological evaluations
were made, my surgeon said, "Although we removed the left
side of your colon, the cancer has spread beyond the wall.
There is at least a 50% chance it will return within three
years. If and when it does, it most likely will metastasize
to the liver."
I took a deep breath, and thought, not again! Then, trying to
sound brave, I asked, "So when are you going start
chemotherapy and/or radiation?" "I'm not giving you either
one." "Why? Are you giving up on me?" I quickly asked. "No, I
just don't want to put you through a painful process which
would be needless, because studies have shown that your
particular cancer does not respond favorably to treatment.
Besides, there have been times when patients with positive
attitudes, such as yours, have been known to get better even
though there were no medical explanations for it." I
appreciated his honesty and concern.
It is not my nature to sit back and wait for things to happen
if there is a chance that my input might have a worthwhile
effect. I needed to know if there was anything I could do to
stop the cancer from growing. I called The U.S. National
Institutes of Health in Bethesda, Maryland, giving them all
the necessary information and asked if anything was being
done in this field that might help me.
I was told about an experimental program, similar to the
immunization shots we received as small children. A serum is
developed, preferably from one's own cancer, and the patient
is given a series of injections over a period of months.
Hopefully, the body will develop antibodies to fight the
disease. The results, so far, were not encouraging.
The doctor in charge of the program explained it all to me
and answered my questions. I then gave all the information
over to my internist, surgeon, and gastroenterologist, asking
each of them if they would participate in this program if
they were me.
The first two said yes, that I had nothing to lose and
should, therefore, go for it. The third doctor said he would
not participate, but would rather sit back and wait to see
what happens.
I decided 'to go for it.' I was admitted to the program and
over a period of three months received a series of shots. I
had been told that there was no pain involved, but mine was
excruciating. At each injection, hours later, the site became
a hole large enough for me to be able to insert my thumb. Pus
would ooze out and each site felt like a fire was blazing
inside.
I would scream and bang the walls with my fists in agony.
Fortunately, these reactions lasted for a day or less. I kept
telling myself that perhaps the pain was an indication that
the treatments were helping me, since others had no pain but
their situations did not improve.
Once more I was pleading with Hashem to help me understand
what I was supposed to learn from all that happened. What
should I be working on and doing teshuvoh for? Again,
I was not aware of anything that could bring me to a better
understanding of what in particular I should be doing, or not
be doing, to become a better person, and observant Jew.
Looking back, I think perhaps the problem, or part of the
problem, was that I was expecting Hashem to provide me with
the answers instead of trying, through intense and consistent
soul searching, and self-analysis, and learning Torah, to
realize myself.
I believe that Hashem, in His infinite wisdom, knows when I
need repetition for review of a particular learning in order
to be able to internalize my mind and heart as one unit about
something so I can eventually act upon it. For example:
When I was five years old, I was walking down a street my
brother had warned me not to go to because it was dangerous.
I wasn't paying attention to were I was going. Suddenly I was
surrounded by boys and girls of different ages who seemed to
appear out of nowhere. The look on their faces frightened me.
One of the bigger boys came forward and in a gruff voice
asked, "Are you a Jew?" I felt instinctively that if I said
yes I would have been beaten up, so I said no. He nodded his
head and told me to leave.
I ran as fast as I could to the safety of my home. I've
always felt ashamed that I denied being Jewish even though I
did not know what being Jewish meant. This was the first
experience with anti-semitism that I remember.
During my sophomore year in college, I took a basic sewing
course which was two semesters long. Ever since elementary
school, where I had to sew a tea apron, I have never liked
sewing. Now, I was having a great deal of trouble, both
technically, and emotionally.
Each day the teacher would look at my work of the night
before and say the same three words, "Rip and sew." There
were never any explanations of what I was doing wrong or how
to improve, nor did she allow me to ask questions. I was the
only student she treated this way, and the only Jew in the
class. It did not take long for the rest of the girls to
notice that I was being singled out with this cruel and
unfair treatment.
Although I received good grades on my midterm and final
exams, and passing grades on the garments I made and wore, I
received D as a final grade, meaning I received credit for
the time put in, but no educational credit. I was so upset
that, without thinking of possible consequences, I went to
the teacher's home across the street from the school, and
surprised her by asking why she gave me a D. Her response was
also immediate. "Oh, it was for nothing personal like
religion."
These and other experiences helped bring me closer to Hashem,
His Torah, and wanting to live in our Holy Land, even though
at the times they occurred I was unaware of this. Just two
months after my colonectomy, I was again rushed to the
hospital in much agony because a part of my intestines became
knotted. My abdomen was re-opened in the same place where the
colon surgery was just done. Boruch Hashem, the doctors were
able to untie the knot manually. No additional cutting was
needed. I told myself I was working on my PH.D. in Pain
Endurance.
Two weeks before moving from Silver Spring to Baltimore, I
slipped on the icy parking lot where I lived, and broke my
wrist in several places. Packing and unpacking with one hand
in a cast is quite a challenge!
*
In 1987, a few months after I was in my new home, as I began
preparing to leave on a business trip to Israel, I learned I
had a bleeding ulcer. Hashem was talking to me for a long
time, in a 'loud' voice by means of all these physical things
happening to me. My frustration kept growing because I did
not understand what He was telling me.
My first visit to Israel had been fourteen years earlier. Now
I was Torah observant, and my yearning to be in my spiritual
homeland was great. There was so much to do and see. Most
important, I wanted to speak to a tzaddik or a
godol. I needed and was hoping to receive some
spiritual guidance, some insight, and perhaps advice,
regarding the many things that were happening to me, one
after the other, and what to focus my efforts on.
Friends arranged a meeting for me with the renowned Rabbi
Chaim Kanievsky in Bnei Braq. Since the Rabbi does not speak
to women, his wife was the intermediary. The rebbetzin is the
granddaughter of Rabbi Aryeh Levin zt'l, and the
daughter of Rabbi Eliashiv shlita. We spoke in
Yiddish.
I have never met anyone like her before or since. Her
presence seemed to create an aura of holiness in the small,
sunny, and narrow room. Wherever one looked, there were holy
books — on the shelves, on tables, and in boxes on the
floor.
She listened to me with such obvious concern, caring and
intensity that I felt as if she was absorbing me into
herself! When we finished talking, she went to her husband,
in another part of the apartment, and relayed what I told
her. While waiting for her return, I prayed very hard that
what I would hear would help me better understand what to
do.
She returned after about a half-hour, with a big smile on her
face. She sat down and took my hand. "You are a most
fortunate woman," she said looking intently into my eyes,
"and you should be very happy, because Hashem is giving you
your troubles now, in this world. When Hashem sees that
teshuvoh is sincere, He can decide to give the
penitent, you, in this case, your punishment here and now in
this temporary world, so that you can have a wonderful
Olom habbo."
She patted my hand and said the Rabbi advised me to get a
learning partner, and review the laws of Shabbos again when I
returned to the States, and to continue learning in
general.
The rabbi's explanation regarding why so many things were
happening to me may be why I was not getting the insight I
was searching for as to what I was doing wrong. I have since
learned that there are numerous reasons why Hashem may
inflict suffering upon us. Atonement for sins is one reason.
I left, feeling that a weight had been lifted off my
chest.
