Most children do not need encouragement to become
independent. Normal babies want to feed themselves and dress
themselves long before they are quite capable of doing so.
Nevertheless, there are those children who do not fight for
independence: they wait to be served both physically and
mentally. If a mother does everything for her child, if she
tries to protect him from any danger which is inherent in
normal daily life, is she being kind to herself or to the
child? A child of six who wants Mummy to dress her, is not
going to let Mummy dress her when she is twenty. What does it
matter if she is dependent now?
Independence begins with self confidence. When a baby starts
walking, we extend supporting hands. Gradually we minimize
the support till Baby manages to walk alone There are many
overprotective mothers who, quite unwittingly, teach their
child that he will fail. "Don't climb up there, you'll fall."
"You can't wash the dishes, you'll break them." "Put those
scissors down, you'll cut yourself." "You're not old enough
to bake yet."
When a child feels he is old enough to do something, let him
try. Make sure the dishes he is going to wash are made of
plastic. Show him how to hold the children's scissors so that
he learns how to cut. Stand at the foot of the ladders and
help him if he feels like climbing. It is more difficult to
watch the child do things than to do them alone, but these
are all continuations of extending a helping hand when he
begins to walk.
The key words we need to use are 'you can'. "You can do your
homework. Just start and I will be right there to help you if
you get stuck." "You can dress yourself; I'll help you with
the hard parts." The child must be convinced that you are not
telling him to do it himself because you are impatient or
because you do not want to help him. When the child succeeds,
even if only partially, praise him effusively. The children
who do need this sort of encouragement, should be helped as
early in life as possible. If you expect them to do it, and
if it is a perfectly simple task, they will probably succeed.
As with the baby learning to walk, give the dependent child
support at first, to give him confidence.
Admittedly, the child of six who is still being dressed by
Mother will dress herself sooner or later. But by then she
will be overdependent in the next phase of her life. She will
grow up to be unsure of herself and will never attempt
something new for fear of failing. She will not be able to
follow a basic recipe when she is fourteen, without asking
for guidance all the way, nor will she be able to clear up
when she is finished. She will not feel good about
herself.
There are people who do a task in the office or at home and
will always ask for approval from those around them. They
will frequently not even complete the task until they have
had a verbal pat on the back. These people have not learned
to evaluate their own work, and are still dependent on others
when they are adults. They are the ones who will find it
difficult to communicate in a foreign language. This is not
because they are not bright enough to pick up the vocabulary;
it is because they are not confident enough to use it in case
they make a mistake.
Children who always demand a note of explanation to the
teacher, should be encouraged to explain things for
themselves. They might not have a very sympathetic teacher;
nevertheless, not all teachers are ogres! As a young teacher,
I had a charming seven-year-old boy in my class who had a
different reason every day why he had not been able to come
on time.
I knew that most of the reasons were fabrications, but I also
knew that the child was too young to come to school on his
own. One day, the Headmaster, who knew the family socially,
heard the child's excuse. He interrupted him and said, 'Tell
your Daddy that if you come late again tomorrow, I will have
to put him in the corner..." No written notes were necessary,
the child was the successful ambassador, and after that,
Father drove him to school on time.
With all the good will in the world, an extremely shy child
might balk at taking messages or at answering the phone. He
will learn to answer the phone eventually, as he will learn
to communicate with neighbors: nevertheless, encouraging
these activities will build his confidence and help him to
achieve independence early in his life. This kind of child
will always demand that another sibling accompany him when he
is asked to borrow something from a neighbor. Try to coax him
into going alone.
Stories about hypothetical cases are particularly helpful in
building a child's confidence. Tell the story about a boy who
was told to go to the neighbor to borrow some milk for the
baby's bottle. Baby was screaming and the shops were closed,
and the boy did not want to go. Let the listening child
suggest ideas for solving the problem. One cannot force
independence, nor can one suddenly undo the damage caused by
overindulgence and pampering.
As soon as a mother becomes aware of the fact that her child
is too dependent, she can take steps to rectify the
situation. It will have to be done very slowly and gradually.
Mother must not even grit her teeth, as children read body
language easily, and impatience will remove any confidence
the child has gained. They should all bring us nachas
in the end, the ones who are too daring and independent, and
the ones who are too dependent on us.
One final observation: However independent children are, many
"need" their parents for as long as the parents are able to
give them support, even if it is only a telephone call.
Unfortunately, as parents age, the roles are frequently
reversed, and the parents become dependent. Then the children
have to learn how to keep their parents as independent as
possible.
