Part II
The Liar and the Wind
Ever try to talk to a liar? You can, by the same token, talk
to the wind in the fields... You can also trust him as much
as you would the wind. You make plans with a liar or arrive
at some arrangement. It doesn't mean a thing. He promised you
something? It is meaningless. What's the point of asking him
a question if his answer may or may not be valid and true?
"A liar is a rotten person," says R' Moshe Karp
shlita, principal of Talmud Torah Or Mordechai,
resolutely. "We cannot raise rotten people." These words do
not apply to toddlers or to a child who made a mistake but
really wants to be a truthful person and has a one-time
lapse.
"Lying in children is a very serious issue. You can't let
children get away with lying. We love our children and we
must make it clear to them: If you persist in lying, you
have no place here. Here there are no lies. Lies, like
foul language, are contagious and we cannot -- we must not --
be forgiving. We must make it clear to the child how
important the truth is and how terrible lying is. Honesty is
basic, fundamental, absolute. Hashem wants man to be honest
and if a person gets accustomed to telling lies, he will lie
to himself, to others and to Hashem, as well. What is left of
him?"
*
R' Bezalel Friedman, known educator and writer of an
educational column, has prepared a few pointers for us:
I. There are lies whose source is the developed imagination
of the child; these are not outright lies but the workings of
a lively inventiveness which become reality to a child and
should be dealt with differently than meditated falsehood. We
are referring to children who come to class with stories that
appear to be made-up and are meant to elicit amazement from
the young audience. The children who are listening will
accuse the child of lying when, in truth, he is just telling
fabricated stories.
II. Some children are chronic liars. I came across an
interesting incident which proves how much a chronic liar is
capable of lying in order to conceal facts or evidence. The
case concerns a talented child who is very socially popular.
One day, he bought himself something his parents absolutely
forbade, something not considered proper in religious
circles. When the father happened to come across it, the
child said that he had gotten it as a prize... from the
teacher, no less.
"A prize from the teacher?" the astonished father asked. "A
prize for what?" Here the child wove a web of facts which
succeeded, amazingly enough, to appear realistic and the
father accepted them. The father sent a note to the teacher
with the child, but the child, who feared that the truth
would be revealed, didn't give the teacher the note. Again,
he wove an intricate web of lies to conceal the fact that he
hadn't delivered the note.
There's no need to expand on the seriousness of the problem;
endless lies becomes the misery of a child who is immersed in
constant and extreme tension because of the corner his own
mouth painted him into. Who can think at such a time about
focusing on his studies and learning properly?
After a while, the whole thing blew up. The parents, for
their part, complained about many similar incidents of
convoluted lies that the child made up at home and the
situation was unbearable. They gave me the okay to turn to a
pyschologist. The psychologist then informed me that it
appeared we were dealing with a liar who had seen lying at
home!
I must note that certainly not every child who lies and not
every chronic liar witnesses lying at home. Even parents who
speak the whole truth can have a child who tends to lie a
little or a lot. I have come across such situations as well,
but lying at home is almost an invitation for the child to
lie.
Let us examine a few scenarios: A quiet conversation between
parents on the subject of bus fare stating that the youngest
one has still not reached the age that he must pay (not an
uncommon example, but this is a problem for the character
trait of truth for the child). Or: We as educators come
across an interesting phenomenon -- parents who give back
their over-Shabbos report page with amazing achievements.
We're talking about exemplary behavior beyond the child's
capacity. There is no bad intention in doing this. Parents
just don't want their children to be embarrassed or
disappointed or lose out on a prize. But there is a problem
with this in that the child sees that his father or mother
haven't been careful to tell the truth.
Half truths, lack of precision and intrigues are carefully
recorded by children's sharp hearing and constitute a clear
message that they internalize at home.
What do you do with the storytellers and what about the
`real' liars?
With regard to the storytellers, there is no need to do
anything drastic. I try to direct their blessed imagination
towards positive outlets. With regard to real liars -- there
are a number of ways to handle this.
1) Sometimes in unpleasant ways, and this is the least
desirable option. In other words, to prove to everyone how
much the child lost with his lie. 2) Using pleasant
explanations. 3) Sometimes we look at the motivation behind
it and when we identify it, we deal with the causes, in order
to prevent the lies.
For example: I had a student who was always lying. I checked
to see if there was some common denominator to the lies,
tried to see what was interfering with the child's feeling
good about himself that prevented his simply telling the
truth. I discovered that the lies stemmed from a fear that
the child couldn't handle. This fear, surprisingly enough,
was of his teacher, that is, from me.
After I connected with him, I succeeded in reducing his level
of fear and I saw, to my happiness, that the frequency of his
lies diminished. I would be gratified to tell you that he was
completely and totally weaned off lying, immediately, but it
is not that simple. Whoever is used to lying requires a great
deal of work to rid himself of the habit.
Do you deal in depth with instilling the trait of truth
within the cheder framework?
There is no regular work done on the importance of truth and
distancing oneself from lying, but there are opportunities to
deal with it. First of all, if a case of lying is discovered
in class, I discuss it with the children a lot (not the
specific incident, but the disgrace of lying in general). I
discuss with the children the sayings of Chazal, stories from
the gemora, stories of tzaddikim etc. I
strongly condemn the act of lying in such a case because
lying is a very contagious disease and if you don't draw an
uncrossable red line, the phenomenon can multiply and
spread.
A white lie leads to a gray lie; a small lie -- to a big one;
one lie to an atmosphere of "that's the way it is; nobody
tells the truth so I won't either." Chazal have already
taught us that this is the way of the evil inclination.
Another opportunity to strengthen the trait of truth is when
we study a verse or a saying of Chazal on the subject of
truth or falsehood. I try to expand on it and make it
meaningful for the children. The children also know that if
they do something improper yet tell the truth about it, I
will respect them for their truthfulness.
*
The Shela Hakodosh writes (Orchos Hayosher on
education):
"A great man of Sefardic extraction used to visit me. Even if
one were to offer him all the riches in the world, he would
not allow anything smacking of falsehood to escape his lips.
And he told me what his father used to do with him and his
brothers when he was a youth. If he received a complaint that
one of the children did something wrong, he would tell the
child that if he admitted his wrongoing and told the truth,
he would forgive him, warning him to be careful not to do it
again.
"If he found out someone was lying, however, he would punish
him doubly, while if someone admitted his wrongdoing, his
father would forgive him and even give him several coins.
This is how he raised his children in the path of truth. He
would buy truth with coins, to fulfill the dictum `Buy
truth.' He thus instilled in his sons the nature of eternal
truth."
