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IN-DEPTH FEATURES
As the afternoon sun beat down on Beit Chilkiya and a
pleasant late-summer breeze blew through the houses, R' Nir
Malchi gazed toward an unknown place and said, "I'm not
fighting for my life. I'm fighting to live my life . . . "
We sit on patio chairs in the backyard of a house surrounded
by green grass. Little Arab banana trees and cypress trees
are planted and waiting to grow. The moshav is quiet. The
sound of birds chirping can be heard even in the middle of
the day and thoughts, too, seem almost audible--optimistic
thoughts and slightly disturbing thoughts alike.
The tense silence stops you like a red light. Don't touch
here. But Nir wanted to talk for spiritual reasons alone,
based on the benefit he stood to gain. In his very
intelligent way of speaking and with his profound thought he
floods light on the subject, extracting light from the dark --
resolute conclusions drawn from the laboratory of life.
We first met in Munich. Until then I knew only his name.
HaRav Gavriel Kosover, who knew Nir inside and out, arranged
for us to speak with one another. Nir was in Germany to
receive special medical treatments and he joined our group
temporarily to spend Shabbos and pray among chareidi Jews.
Our first conversation was held that motzei Shabbos at
a table outside under the night sky. "And we'll continue in
Israel, if you're willing . . . "
He agreed and on the afternoon of this past Rosh Chodesh Elul
we arranged a conversation that extended into other
sessions.
Nir was once a member of the Israeli navy's 31st Flotilla,
the Seaborne Commando (seaborne elite fighters), which
trained in the murky waters of Kishon Harbor, whose
pollutants took a heavy toll. Years later R' Nir turned out
to be among their victims.
When I sat down in his backyard he suddenly pointed out a
weeping willow tree standing in the middle of the lawn. Its
trunk was thick and sturdy, its leafy branches spreading out
to the sides like so many arms, falling as willows do, in
surrender, in humility. "See that tree? The weeping willow?
It's like a Jew! Its branches fall, its leaves slant
downward, submissive like a willow. But its trunk is thick
and strong. Like a Jew."
"Who is he thinking of?" I wondered to myself.
This interview has been put in almost unedited. The words
were written with repetitions and remarks reiterated for
emphasis. To make them properly understood they had to be
written not in ink, but in blood pumped straight from the
heart.
*
Nir, are you fighting?
I'm always fighting. Man's life is a constant struggle. In
essence there is no difference between me and other people.
Does anyone know what tomorrow will bring? Unfortunately
nobody knows what tomorrow holds in store. How many incidents
all around us tear at the heart, Rachmono litzlan? How
many times does it happen with no advance notice? Only when a
person pushes it off, doesn't want to think about it, refuses
to see. Simply because of my medical condition I am more
aware, more in tune.
And it's not an easy fight . . .
HaKodosh Boruch Hu does not send a person a trial
unless he can deal with it. I not only know this, not only
understand this, but I also feel it. Recently I spoke with a
friend who told me about his problems. It seems a bit strange
that I, with my health, should be struck by problems of this
sort, but when I thought about it, it seemed to me that if I
had had to cope with those problems I wouldn't have managed,
I wouldn't have been able to overcome . . .
With Hashem's help and through His kindness hopefully you
will recover soon. But in today's circumstances, at the
height of your illness, do you have a feeling of temporality,
transience, a feeling other people lack?
I have met a lot of people in circumstances similar to mine.
With this illness almost nothing is visible on the outside.
There are no indications of dying. It can happen one day and
that's it. The feeling is mostly in the head, in the
consciousness, not in the body. The doctors assess and make a
prognosis. And as time goes by, from day to day it could
happen [anytime]. From now on it could be any day.
Some people we know live in total temporality, as if they had
abandoned life. Others fall into a sort of fogginess,
repression, psychological defenses to ward off the truth.
Neither approach is right.
I am well aware of the disease and the situation -- and of
the fact that the doctors are wrong. Through HaKodosh
Boruch Hu's kindness I am here, long after their
prognosis predicted.
I am not repressing anything. I'm not sinking and I'm not
repressing! But this is what every person must feel, even a
healthy person: Shuv yom echad lifnei misosecho venimtzo
kol yomov beteshuvoh. Unfortunately it happens all the
time, but it's human nature that a person does not want to
think about it and therefore his time is lost.
I always live with the feeling that the sickness has a
completely positive side: the reminder! The reminder is clear
to me. Completely. And then everything changes --
tefilloh, brochos, Tehillim -- and time becomes
planned like a second hand, so one has a chance to utilize it
all.
*
I remain silent. The stillness in the heart between beats,
this stillness is mine. In such a struggle there are no
partners. A lone man walks up to the lookout point and
discovers emek habocho below him. Then he sees things
that only become clear from a high mountaintop, during an
instant when time stands still. The expression of R' Nir's
face in the afternoon light burns with a tremendous warmth as
he explains that he has led a long and full life.
*
And what was the most important decision or step in your
life?
The most important decision, of course, was to do
teshuvoh. After all this is the [most fulfilling deed]
in life, to save my life and imprint it upon the future and
the generations to come. And ever since then I have been
solely involved in carrying out the plan: drawing closer to
Hashem, striving to be a complete person. The decision was a
long time ago but the execution never ends, it continues for
a lifetime. All of life is return.
And now you're fighting for your life?
I'm not fighting for my life; I'm fighting to live my life. A
person must set his goal and then strive to attain it. What's
important is how you proceed and not when you arrive. If you
have to study, that means you have to study -- not that you
have to know. Our obligation is to study, knowing is the
result. If you study, you will know!
I am fighting to live my life, to do what is incumbent on me
under the existing circumstances. One must know there is a
Mishnah laid out for every moment and every situation.
. . When one is born, it is as if an hourglass is turned over
and all of the sand is enough for x years. When the
sand runs out he has to "turn in the keys and go
upstairs."
Not a single moment more remains. This will happen when the
sand runs out, even if he is perfectly healthy, and it won't
happen even if he is sick, chas vesholom, if the sand
hasn't run out! A man's years on earth are determined
precisely. True, one might suppose fatal diseases are sent to
people whose hourglasses are running low, but this may not be
the case at all. The doctors make their prognosis and the
fact is [sometimes] they make mistakes . . . Therefore my war
is not for my life, but how to live life.
B'ezras Hashem, Rofei Cholei Amo Yisroel will send
you healing powers in the near future along with all other
sick Jews. Has life acquired a different meaning against the
background of the palpable threat of what the future holds in
store?
Definitely. You sever yourself from the details, from the
finer points. Therefore it is easier not to grow angry,
easier to lose money. Because everything is gauged with an
overall perspective, a broader, more detached and deeper
outlook. A large fear always eliminates smaller fears.
Everybody should really act and think like this. But
sometimes one fails to understand the value of life until he
has to fight for it.
*
My conversation with Nir Zaltzman (Hebraicized to Malchi)
touches exposed nerves. From time to time he remains silent,
wrapped in thought. Characteristic moments of silence. They
appear slowly, as when processing paper is dipped into
darkroom solution and the various vague images gradually
merge together to form a complete picture. His words
gradually become clearer, meld together. I know I will fail
in the writing task for the story must be heard from his
mouth alone, in his words, with his pain, with the tremendous
power flowing out from him.
I try to return to the period when the fighters did not know
their rosy world was really a black sea, a polluted river
that carried the stench of tragedy along its banks. This was
a model of obtuseness, for there had been warnings in the
military establishment. When the sea of suffering began to
rise and incidents began to float to the surface the matter
was soon hidden behind battle smoke. The big questions were
left unaddressed as the terrible thing began to eat at the
fighters from within and the angry river mixed into the brew
of their lives. Since then Nir has been fighting.
In my background research on R' Nir I came across a little-
known episode in his life that indicates this is not the
first time he has had to confront a precarious situation. He
has looked danger in the eye and come through in one
piece.
Although Nir Malchi received a citation for the incident I
was told he would not breathe a word about the incident even
if I laid the details out before him. The members of the
Commando Yami, called "the men of silence," have an
unbreakable code which Nir honors to this day. Likewise I
will honor the need for discretion by altering the details of
the story.
The operation, designed to rout out a terrorist den, was
planned in collaboration with the Phalangists in Lebanon.
The mission was to take place in an area crawling with
terrorists in the mountains of Lebanon. He and his unit went
to Lebanon in a small motorboat and after an arduous march
they assembled alongside a fence surrounding an encampment
with a single structure built of stone. Some 40 terrorists
were at the site. Two-and-a-half minutes after the order to
storm, the place had been overtaken and purged.
On the return march they came under sniper fire. The others
continued to move ahead while Nir went to take care of the
problem. The shots were being fired by a sentry, at a base
whose existence had been unknown and that contained hundreds
of armed terrorists. A difficult battle broke out. Nir was
alone. When his ammunition was depleted he picked up several
guns belonging to dead terrorists and began to fire as many
shots as possible to make the enemy think a large number of
attackers were present. He remained alone, to allow his
buddies to escape.
During these harrowing moments he witnessed open miracles.
When he raised his arm to fire he felt a burst of bullets
whiz past right where his arm had been a second earlier. He
had a sensation that he knew, inexplicably, when to lie flat,
when to assume a firing position, where to run, when to duck
for cover. He realized he was hitting his targets without
aiming. Every time his ammunition ran out he picked up
another abandoned gun and went on. A grenade landed right
near him, exploding the butt of the rifle he was carrying
without harming him.
In one instance he found himself facing off against a
terrorist with his gun drawn. Nir's gun was drawn, too, but
when he tried to shoot it was out of ammunition. The Arab
pulled the trigger of his gun, but it jammed. A miracle. A
gift of life. The feeling refused to go away. And then he
managed to leap upon a gun lying on the ground. His adversary
did the same, but Nir was a split second faster.
He kept running and stumbled. As he fell a round of shots
whizzed by where he would have been had he not fallen.
Etzba Elokim.
When he eventually made his way home in one piece he couldn't
stop asking himself what had taken place. The questions that
had already nagged at him in the past began to eat at him
even more. He also asked about the intelligence blunder.
Could it be that the existence of such a base was unknown?
Questions continued to plague him, but he never received an
answer. He did receive a citation for his performance in the
mission.
When I lay the facts out before him, Nir takes a sip of
water. I know that experience gave him a big push in deciding
how he would lead his life and eventually led him to the
spiritual ladder he is now climbing. He makes no reply. I
press him further, asking, "Do those moments during which you
stared death in the face carry any implications for how you
cope today?" He insists on changing the subject, after a few
short remarks, which I have interpreted.
All of life is essentially a battle from the outset. We are
constantly fighting against ourselves, fighting to do the
best we can and fighting against a hostile environment. Every
step we take, every victory, brings us to a new
confrontation. Gradually we must progress and win the next
contest. A confrontation in which one stares death in the
face definitely hones one's ability to confront other
difficult situations, provides the right perspective and
helps one come to the right decisions in life.
"When a person examines his prognosis and hears doctors say
modern medicine has no solution to offer, he must continue to
fight and win. The fact is that contrary to every
professional opinion we are sitting here talking and I have
plans to finish all of the Shas, Bavli and
Yerushalmi, and to start from the beginning.
"I don't want to know. And when I received the doctors'
prognosis I went to HaRav Chaim Kanievsky shlita. He
added onto my name, making it Yechiel Nir and told me, `Do
you want to believe the doctors?' and now it's a year `after
the time' yet here we are talking today and I have more
things I'm planning to do."
At this point, to clarify matters and to keep us from losing
our sense of proportion, Yechiel Nir cites the Ramban on the
verse, "Venosati Mishkoni besochachem" (Vayikra
26:11): " . . . For since Yisroel is [spiritually] whole and
numerous, their affairs do not follow the natural course at
all, not in their bodies and not in their Land, not as a
whole and not as individuals, for Hashem will bless their
bread and their water and He will remove sickness from
amongst them until they do not need a doctor or to be
sustained through any medical practices at all, as is
written, `Ki Ani Hashem Rof'echo' (Shemos 15:26). And
indeed the tzaddikim [did not rely on medical
treatment] in the time of prophecy, and even if they happened
to sin, thereby bringing sickness upon themselves, they would
not seek physicians but prophets, as Chizkiyohu did when he
fell sick (Melochim II 20:2, 20:3). It is also
written, `...yet in his disease he did not seek Hashem but
the physicians' (Divrei Hayomim II 16:12), and had
[consulting] physicians been the practice among them, why
mention the physicians? The only culpability was in not
seeking Hashem . . .
"But he who seeks Hashem through a prophet should not seek
physicians. And what place do physicians have in the home of
one who does Hashem's will . . . ?
" . . . And Chazal said, `Ein derech bnei odom berefuos,
elo shenohagu' (Brochos 60a). Were it not the practice to
seek medical treatment, a person would become sick in
accordance with the punishment he deserved for his sin, and
would recuperate if it was Hashem's will. But their way was
to seek medical treatment and Hashem left them subject to
natural occurrences."
*
The Rambam, however, disputes this approach. In his
commentary on the Mishna he writes about a medical
book Chizkiyohu hid that held that one should not seek out
doctors. This is a "lightheaded and faulty view," says the
Rambam, for just as a hungry man is allowed to eat and in
fact is obligated to eat, so too the sick man must consult a
doctor, and then he must thank HaKodosh Boruch Hu for
making these forms of healing part of the world He created
(Pesochim 4).
Apparently this is a machlokes Rishonim. But in
Michtav MeEliyohu HaRav Dessler maintains there is no
dispute here, saying the matter depends on one's spiritual
level. Someone at a high level indeed should not consult
doctors but should turn to a prophet to search for the
spiritual root that caused the illness and it must be
rectified. But the Rambam says someone not at such a level
who avoids consulting doctors displays "stupidity."
True, on the one hand people on our spiritual level must
consult doctors. When I was sent the examination forms, HaRav
Chaim Kanievsky told me to undergo the exam. Nevertheless, as
I told you, when they made their medical determination and
gave me a set amount of time [to live], HaRav Chaim asked,
"Do you want to believe the doctors?"
Hishtadlus [should be done] as much as possible, but
life is only in HaKodosh Boruch Hu's hands, in His
hands alone. This has nothing to do with medicine. He allots
time for every living being.
*
A conversation with Nir can take one to great depths and this
diver knows how to navigate the depths, even under harsh
conditions. The clock ticks away as the notebook pages fill
up. I suggest we return to the subject of the Kishon Harbor
and the beliefs Nir was instilled with in his past, both at
the kibbutz where he was raised and in the Navy, beliefs that
sank away before he burst forth out of the depths of
anonymity.
"In the unit a debate was held over the necessity of diving
in the Kishon. Even those who claimed these dives really
were needed had various opinions. Was it necessary to
build the unit around diving or was the goal to strengthen
the members of the unit by testing the soldiers' ability to
cope and function under difficult conditions? I think the
debate continues to this day."
And nobody knew it was hazardous?
This kind of training takes place without safety measures.
Just as in warfare there can be no allowances for [difficult]
weather, other conditions are also not taken into
consideration. When you confront immediate dangers there is
no thinking about tomorrow. With most smokers, for example,
it does no good to say to them, "Quit smoking or else you'll
get sick in the future." There's nobody listening.
When the issue began to gather momentum how did the
establishment react?
At first the forms that had to be filled out began to arrive
and a referral to undergo tests. The truth is I didn't think
it had anything to do with me. For about six months they sat
in the house. But as the reverberations from the affair grew
stronger it began to awaken within me. I asked HaRav Chaim
Kanievsky, as I said, and after he told me to take the tests
I began to fill out the forms. And suddenly, following the
questions I realized I had a considerable number of the
symptoms. Suddenly I felt a numbness in my lips and other
symptoms, so I went to get checked.
*
"I went to the tests but I didn't meet those who had dived in
the Kishon. It was simply a scheme to avoid taking
responsibility. The total number of frogmen ever in the IDF
is very low but 20,000 people were summoned for tests. I
won't specify the number of frogmen for security reasons, but
the huge number of people summoned made it clear beyond any
doubt that the idea was simply to dilute the number of
victims to an extremely small percentage, a marginal and
insignificant percentage, thereby taking the affair off the
agenda. The tests themselves were at a very low level as if
their intention was not to find anything. Actually I only
received a spoken recommendation to continue the testing. I
never received a copy of the results in writing.
You were raised a kibbutznik on Chatzerim and as a member
of the commando. Were you lied to? Did they pull the wool
over your eyes with the Zionist myth?
Look, they really did sell us lies. They told us it was good
to die and they didn't tell us it was good to live, and they
didn't explain to us what truly living is.
During my youth they activated an apparatus that denied
Judaism and banished it from memory. It was extremely
sophisticated. They didn't say there was no such thing as
Judaism. The opposite, they said, "You're a Jew." They
observed the holidays, but it was a sham--"contents and
meaning." They distorted the real reasons for the mitzvas
with false explanations and vilified the traditional Jew as
obsolete.
Because they did not turn their backs on Judaism but
distorted it, it was much worse. Had they told us there was
no Judaism, when we encountered it we would invariably have
been captivated by it. But they did not deny, they distorted.
It was simply like an inoculation--injecting weakened
microbes so that when we encountered real Judaism we would be
inoculated against, have resistance to it.
We began to sober up in the army when we saw what they do
with the it's-good-to- die-for-our-country value, that in
essence they meant, "Go die for our country"-- and the rest
I'd prefer not to repeat. When I worked in flight security I
saw the ministers' conduct, it was a real awakening for me. I
realized it's all just words the establishment invented for
its own benefit.
*
The difficult questions I raise for discussion tire me as
well. Listening to this fascinating man leaves dry tears in
your eyes, tears of silence. What a man of steel. What
emunah. And he constantly says he must prepare an
umbrella for the coming downpour, because life is not a
Monopoly game and there is no going back to the previous
square. There is no "Go Back to Start" card.
"Time presses forward so you have to be sure every moment is
a moment," he says. "Every once in a while the internal
fading comes in waves. There are times when it is hard to lie
down and hard to sit. It takes great mental and spiritual
strength. The feeling is that there is not enough time and
therefore one needs to work slowly. It is impossible
to get much done [during one's lifetime], therefore what you
do every moment must be done with vigor and intensity.
Tefilloh is tefilloh. Tehillim is
Tehillim.
Nir, do you speak with HaKodosh Boruch Hu?
I feel much closer. I connect more to the tefilloh,
it's clearer to me that a mitzvah must be done
beshleimus in order to complete the tower. Today I do
not close the gemora in the middle of a sugya,
or at least I try not to. There's no such thing as running
out of time, because time is liable to run out on you.
Are you afraid?
If R' Yochonon Ben Zakai asked, "Be'eizo molichim
osi," if HaRav Shach was afraid and asked, "What will I
come to Shomayim with?" how can you ask me if I'm afraid? I
see the two paths too clearly and there is no escape.
Actually I see this whole disease as a gift, because like I
said, a person's time [in This World] is determined in
advance. The hourglass is running and there are no
extensions. But in this case at least there is a reminder to
take advantage [of every moment]...This is a tremendous
gift...For me every day is like Rosh Hashana...
Nir, besiyata deShmaya you will win this battle as
well. But before we conclude this stage of the conversation,
what would you say to Am Yisroel and to Yated Ne'eman
readers?
"Sof dovor hakol nishmoh es Ho'elokim yeroh ve'es
mitzvosov shemor ki zeh kol ho'odom." Today, who better
than me can tell you "ki zeh kol ho'odom?" And I mean
every word. Write it down, "ki zeh kol ho'odom." This
must be understood, without having to face a major blow,
chas vesholom, in order to understand.
Nir, refuah shleimoh.
R' Nir Malchi (Zaltzman) has come a long way since his return
to a life of Torah and mitzvas as a part of the chareidi
community. His path began at Kibbutz Chatzerim and was
followed by several years in the 31st Flotilla, a stint in
the security forces and a journey to Japan, where he studied
martial arts and later taught them. Now Nir is fighting the
most important battle of his life.
He was once interviewed for the book, Siach Shavim, a
compilation of conversations with young Israelis talking
about roots and growth, profound and fascinating interviews
edited by Rabbi Moshe Grilak. In it he recounts his
awakenings before he knew anything about Yiddishkeit.
In Japan he discovered he was Jewish. "This revelation
stunned me because I was very far from such a strange idea.
But it was a clear feeling that emerged from inside and there
was no denying it."
At first Nir did not take any action. And this was not the
first awakening. Upon discovering that the values he had been
taught proved empty he began to challenge several fundamental
beliefs. From time to time he would encounter further
signals. In Japan, while studying a martial arts book he
discovered that much of the thinking was taken from the world
of Jewish Kabboloh. When he inquired into these matters he
was told, "This is as much as we know. To find out more
you'll have to search Kabboloh. We are at the peak, but it is
the peak of a hill," his teachers admitted. "Judaism,
however, is the high mountain whose pinnacle is out of sight.
If you want to learn from us, fine, but at some point you
should go study Torah." This is what they would tell all of
the students.
"One of our friends there in Japan heard the great karate
master, Nakiama, speak clearly on the subject. Almost all
schools of karate branched off from his teachings. "Among the
Jews are the highest and most effective techniques in this
field. If I could I would go to study them from you [Jews],
but they are beyond me and I am afraid."
For Nir this came as a dramatic wake-up call. As a martial
arts student he knew that learning was something that came
from within. In contrast with Western thinking, which is
external, in the East practice and repetition cause inner
stirring. Understanding comes through doing, and through
repetition one begins to comprehend. "When a motion is not
performed well they say, `This is not accurate,' without
explaining further."
A yearning for Judaism burned within him and continued to
perturb him in his daily affairs so that the transition to
keeping mitzvas became unavoidable. "All of a sudden you
realize you must do in order to understand, and the more you
practice the better you understand what you're doing."
Naaseh venishma.
He had an inner resistance that prevented him from making the
big change and tried to escape it, but the truth closed in
around him. Feeling he had no other choice Nir began studying
gemora while still in Japan. With his light spiritual
charge he returned to Israel, where he was referred to
Yeshivat Netivot Olam.
Years later I find myself sitting with Nir Malchi on the lawn
of his home in Beit Chilkiya. A pleasant breeze blows. From
the spiritual pinnacle where he sits today I hear a voice of
past generations issuing from his throat. I came to interview
him and instead found myself listening to a lesson in
mussar.
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