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Home
and Family
Boarding
by A. Ross, M.Ed.
Many parents, especially mothers, feel that whatever age
their son begins yeshiva ketana, whether he is
thirteen, fourteen or even fifteen, this is too soon to send
the child away from home. In Israel, some yeshiva
ketanas prefer the boys to sleep at home, while others
provide dorm facilities and prefer them to sleep in, just
coming home over Shabbos or less frequently. In Europe or
America where distances are so great and where there is far
less of a choice of yeshivos, most boys are sent away from
home because there is no alternative.
There are divided opinions amongst teachers and rabbonim on
the subject, but on the whole, the consensus seems to be that
young boys should sleep at home. Those who extol the
advantages of boarding in the yeshiva say that the boys
become more independent and that they learn the give and take
of living in close proximity with other boys. Furthermore,
unlike the boys who walk or bus home every night, and then
stay up till all hours of the night, boarders have to be in
bed at a particular time and have to conform to the rules of
"lights out."
Maran HaRav Shach zt'l is quoted as having said,
"Where there are two yeshivos ketanos of equally high
standard, I would certainly advise parents to send their boy
to the one nearer home, and to keep him at home. On the other
hand, when the best yeshiva is a long way from home, then I
would say the boy should sleep in the yeshiva."
In an ordinary stable family, a normal household, there is no
doubt that, if possible, it is wiser to keep a boy at home
till he actually goes to yeshiva gedola. He will have
plenty of time then, at the age of sixteen or seventeen, to
hone his social skills and to learn to take care of himself.
He will learn to be less fastidious and more flexible with
regards to the food he eats (or won't eat). At this age, he
will also be mature enough to begin to appreciate his parents
and realize how much they do, and have done, for him.
However, there are instances where it is definitely best for
the boy to leave home and board in a yeshiva ketana.
Unfortunately, some parents have lost control of their
thirteen-year-old. Maybe, they hope, the mashgiach
will make a mensch out of him. Or perhaps the home is
not really fitting, for whatever reason, to bring up teenage
children and the boy becomes a boarder.
Sometimes there is a dramatic change for the good in these
boys and it was obviously the correct thing to do to send
them out of the house. But ocasionally, the boy does not do
well in his new environment. A wise man who was head of a
yeshiva ketana was asked to accept a particularly
difficult boy as a boarder.
"His brothers are all doing well and his twin is particularly
successful, but they fight all day. We feel we should send
him away." This Rav answered, "Never send the difficult one
away. He is the one who needs the most love and attention
from both parents. Send away the other one and concentrate on
building this boy's self-esteem in his twin's absence.
Admittedly, you will have a quieter and more peaceful home
without the troublemaker, but he needs you desperately."
There are many things which can go wrong in institutions,
things which are well known but which I will not enlarge upon
here. Many boys go through difficult phases at certain ages
and sending them away is just sweeping the difficulty under
the carpet. Out of sight, out of mind. Some parents feel that
it is too arduous to get the boy to bed at night and almost
impossible to wake him up in the morning. So they entrust
their `burden' to strangers. These night birds will find
other night birds in the dormitories and it will be just as
difficult to get them up in the mornings.
Naturally, one cannot generalize, and there are many
exceptions. Yet on the whole, if at all possible, and if you
have a good place of learning in your vicinity, keep your
precious son at home for a few more years, in spite of some
of the advantages of `living in.'
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