Many children grow up with a feeling of lack. They feel
dissatisfied; they feel the world, that is, everyone, owes
them something. They will frequently demand more and more
from those close to them. On the other hand, their parents do
pamper them plenty.
Parenting Counselor Rachel Arbus, guides us on the principles
of proper giving, taking and receiving.
Nati's grandmother had been invited to her daughter's home
and wanted to take this opportunity to give her eight-year-
old grandson Nati an expensive gift. She knew he had asked
his mother to buy him a certain set of books; she hadn't
promised and so, the grandmother thought she would surprise
him, to his utter delight.
Two days after the visit, Nati forgot about the books. He
wandered around the house complaining bitterly: "No one ever
buys me anything." His mother was surprised that he felt that
way. Why, when is he surrounded by everything, does the boy
feel he has nothing?
Parenting Counselor Rachel Arbus: "Nati is certain that no
one gives him anything. He completely forgot about his
grandmother's present because it was he who demanded the
books. In general, Nati demands, his parents give and yet,
before long, he feels he is lacking. In fact, Nati doesn't
feel the good that is bestowed upon him. When a child
manipulates his parents' giving with his demands, he can't
feel pleasure. He will always be left wanting.
What is Correct Giving?
"A child grows up happy when he receives attention —
that's a basic assumption which parents adopt. However, there
are parents who make a mistake when they interpret the
concept of attention as an unending obligation to fulfill all
the child's wishes," explains Arbus. These are parents who
from the moment the child is born, feel an obligation to
give, fulfill and answer his needs. The child absorbs that
the parents are "obligated to fulfill his demands and then
makes demands on his parents and all those around him."
Especially today, when the need to provide for children is
public knowledge and the awareness is great, there are many
children who suffer from a lack of attention perhaps more
than ever. This is because in many cases, the giving and
attention aren't real and the children are left with the
feeling that they are suffering from some deficiency even
when they have everything.
Attention is the primary need of children. When a child feels
that he doesn't receive the attention that he needs, he will
do everything — act out, disturb or annoy — to
merit the attention. It's also possible that he will try to
be unusually good, quiet, industrious or helpful, which is
motivated by the desire to be related to with respect and
appreciation. In any event, the child will create a situation
whereby the parents aren't able to ignore him. He will demand
and receive the attention of people relating to him.
Even young children recognize this need among their peers,
as, for example, when they define a classmate as someone who
likes to "make an impression" or is "begging for
attention."
Attention — Love
At the dollar store, Mrs. D. bought small practical gifts for
her children. For the older daughter she bought a simple
geometry set — compass, pencil and ruler, the second
received a nice wallet and her son received a Kriyas
Shema laminated poster. When D. arrived home, she turned
with a big smile to each child and explained, while giving
each present, "I noticed that you could use this gift and I'm
happy to give it to you." D.'s children thanked her for the
presents and were quite surprised.
"How did you know that my blue wallet just tore, Ima?" asked
the daughter, eyes shining. The eldest also added
appreciatively, "Thank you for remembering that this week my
compass broke; this will be very useful in the coming test."
The third who had taken it upon himself to read Kriyas
Shema from a written text, announced that he would start
that day with his new resolution.
Mrs Arbus: "Attention is a personal gift which is given as an
expression of love and thoughtfulness which strengthens in
the recipient the feeling that — 'You have a place in
my heart.' The concept of attention means simply the feeling
a child has that he is in the hearts and thoughts of his
parents at all times.
A small gift, even a candy, like chocolate, or a hairband,
stationery, a small reward with a heartfelt letter in his
lunch bag or just a cute note etc. excites the child. A child
doesn't need big impressive presents. He'll appreciate small
gifts, on condition that they're accompanied by real
attention.
Attention can also be expressed as an offer of help to the
child. For example, if a mother says to her daughter: "I see
that you're not in a good mood today, I'll do the dishes for
you." In the same way, attention can also be a special
welcome when the child comes home from school and he hears,
"Such an important guest is here, I was waiting for you."
Positive sentences that begin with, "I noticed that" are also
considered a gift. "I noticed that you always come home with
a smile on your face and we really like it," or "I noticed
that you greet guests so warmly," or "I noticed that every
day you try to put your schoolbag away."
With a little thought we can turn every day in the lives of
our children into a succession of true giving. Correct and
real parent attention creates within the child the feeling
and security of growing up in a family where he's wanted and
loved, where he's important and appreciated. One of the
results of this is that in the future he will be open to
develop relationships of giving and reciprocity with others.
He'll have an inner strength that will make him into a person
able to forge real bonds with others and to give love and
attention to those around him.
Turning Every Act of Giving into a Gift
A month before Ruthy's birthday, her mother said to her,
"Ruthy, I'm eagerly awaiting your birthday, I'm already
thinking what type of present to buy you." She hasn't yet
bought a thing but has made her feel loved! Ruthy has already
received her gift with that statement.
Mrs. Arbus: "In order for children to feel they've received
something, the parents have to give before the child asks.
Attention is a gift with no connection to the request of the
child. It comes from the desire of the parents to express
their love for him. On the other hand, giving according to
the request/demand of the child causes the child to take, not
to receive, and as we said, in that way he'll never feel
satisfied."
It's in our hands to transform every act of giving into a
gift with another component -we inform the child that it is
especially for him, that we thought of him and wanted to make
him happy. In this way, we can even transform food
preparation into a gift: "When I made the French fries, I
thought of you, since I know how much you like them," or "I
waited for you so that we could play together," or "I noticed
that your siddur was coming apart so I bought you a
new one." Small gifts build a wonderful feeling in the child.
The child grows up secure in himself, believing that he is
loved, wanted and belongs.
It's desirable to relate to children using this approach when
they are still babies, recommends Arbus. To go to the child
not only when he's hungry, crying or dirty, but because he is
loved. Smile at him, play with him and maybe even say to him,
"Thank you for playing quietly; I was able to hang the
laundry." The baby will become used to the fact that his
parents' attention isn't connected to his crying or demands,
but is because he is loved.
Because attention is a free gift, don't look frequently for
reasons to give it. It isn't good to say something like, "You
behaved nicely, so you deserve it." A child may come to
expect a reward, but conversely, why not just give the child,
sometimes, something for no reason, just because you love
him?
Moishe's mother bought him a nice wristwatch, wrapped it up
in colored paper and gave it to him as a present. Moishe was
overjoyed, "Ima, such a wonderful gift! Why did you buy it?
Because I was a good boy and helped you clean up the
room?"
According to Arbus, this is a spontaneous reaction of a child
who knows that presents are given to those who "deserve"
them. The correct response of a parent can be, "No
sweetheart. I love you and wanted to make you happy." Only
after a few gifts like that, will a child know that he
doesn't have to demand attention, neither negative or
positive. His mother will fulfill this need in any case.
