Part II: The Fine Line Between Bubby and Parent
Everyone benefits when a Bubby babysits her grandchild - the
Bubby, the baby and the baby's parents, who can go to work or
to learning knowing that their offspring are in the best of
hands.
Yet this special daycare arrangement does present a singular
challenge. Perhaps one of the hardest things a babysitting
Bubby must accept is that her grandchildren are being raised
by someone else. And though she herself was the one who
raised that someone else, her child may prefer to do things
differently. It takes a lot of common sense, patience,
intuition, tolerance and respect to perform the delicate
balancing act of parenting your own grandchild by someone
else's rules.
The pitfalls are subtle. Bubbies who care for their
grandchildren all morning, seeing them through feeding times,
naptimes and playtimes, may naturally feel they can be in
charge of the decision-making, too. When baby is ready to
start solids, for example, what's the difference whether it's
bananas or applesauce?
"There's a big difference," says Hadassah, who babysits her
grandchildren up to the age of one year. "Even though they
are my grandchildren, they're not my children," she explains.
"So I ask my daughter, 'What do you want me to start feeding
them?' rather than take over and tell her what to do. She
decides we're starting with bananas - fine. It's very laid-
back and I feel wonderful as a Bubby, because I don't have to
make those decisions."
Her commitment to being the "substitute mother" rather than
the "know-it-all grandmother" goes a long way toward building
trust and respect between her and her married children. As we
talk in her kitchen, her eight-month-old granddaughter wakes
up from her nap and begins to cry. "Aren't you going to pick
her up?" I ask worriedly.
"Not yet," she replies calmly. "My daughter wants me to wait
a few minutes before going to her."
I look at her incredulously. "Did you wait like this with
your own kids?" I ask.
"No," she admits. "But this is the way my daughter does
it."
Natural Instincts
Not everyone is able to change their child-raising style.
Rachel and Baila, babysitting Bubbies in their fifties, both
admit that their natural parenting instincts usually take
over. Their children tolerate it, though, because they
appreciate the great favor their mother is doing for them.
"When I'm alone with my grandchildren, I do things my way,
which is where some of the conflicts come in," confides
Rachel, who looks after her one-year-old granddaughter in the
mornings and three-year-old grandson in the afternoons. "For
example, I'm a very poor disciplinarian. I'm much too soft,
but Hashem was good to me and my own children didn't require
a lot of discipline. Now I'm taking care of a three- year-old
who is very lively, and I don't discipline him. He likes to
climb on things in my house. I see it as exploring, but my
daughter doesn't want him to do it."
Rachel doesn't hide anything from her daughters; they see
what's going on when they come to pick up their kids.
"Sometimes they feel they want me to show more discipline,"
she says. "If it really bothers them, they'll talk to me
about it. But they know me well. Sometimes there's a little
friction between us, but we get by because we're a very close
family."
Baila tends to be more "laid-back" than her children when it
comes to child care. She runs her babysitting service like
she runs her home - open and unstructured. "I do nothing with
the boys," she says as we watch her four-, five- and nine-
year-old grandsons playing in the backyard. "I put bandages
on. Most of the time I know where they are. I also don't do
too much with the babies because their mothers come in often
to feed them and change them.
"Each morning, when a certain daughter leaves for work, she
says to me, 'Make my baby happy.' And I reply, 'How about
telling your baby to make me happy?' My children know
how I raised them, so they know what to expect when they
leave their kids with me."
Overlooking Mistakes
Grandchildren are more than a source of nachas; they
are also living proof of the mistakes that new parents often
make. It takes a great deal of maturity on Bubby's part to
tolerate and even overlook her child's parenting
techniques.
"I keep telling myself, `My kids are great parents, but they
do things differently than I would,' " says Rachel. "When I
see things I don't like, I've learned to step back and tell
myself, 'It's none of your business. Even though it's not
your way, their way is also good. They're very intelligent,
caring and devoted parents."
"Young couples often stand on principles that grandparents
would laugh at, but you have to bite your tongue," agrees
Hadassah. She recalls one Shabbos meal at which her entire
extended family was seated around the table. Present were the
grandparents (Hadassah and her husband), the great-
grandparents (Hadassah's father and mother), the uncles
(Hadassah's unmarried sons), the parents (Hadassah's
daughter, Naomi, and her husband) and one-year-old Yossi, the
focus of all the attention.
"Naomi and her husband were insisting that Yossi had to sit
still in his high chair while he was eating," Hadassah
recalls. "I knew he was too young to be told that, but I
didn't say a word. At one point, Yossi stood up, his father
scolded him, and Yossi tumbled over onto the carpet. I was so
well-trained not to interfere that I didn't say anything.
My mother, who wasn't into this idea of respecting the young
couple's decisions and letting them grow from their mistakes,
started scolding them. My father looked absolutely shocked.
My sons started shouting at their sister, 'Are you crazy?'
Naomi and her husband were getting it from all sides. I just
kept signaling to my husband to keep quiet!"
Hadassah also finds herself in the unusual position of
keeping mum when her married children disagree among
themselves over child-raising techniques. Each was raised by
Hadassah, of course, but her son Meir has chosen to be strict
like his mother, while her daughter Naomi has decided to be
more relaxed.
Once when their babies were playing together in Hadassah's
home, Naomi's son pushed Meir's daughter. "They're fine,"
Naomi assured her brother. "Let them be."
"What do you mean, `Let them be?' " Meir exploded. "He's
going to kill her!"
"This is the time you have to leave them alone and let them
take care of it," Hadassah advises. "Even though it's
happening in my house, I have to work on respecting them and
giving them space."
Special Moments
Still, this Bubby believes, "Your heart goes out to your
grandchildren, not your children." Often Hadassah and her
husband experience special moments alone with their
grandchildren that make all their concessions worthwhile.
In a playful mood, Zaidy might pull out a piece of chocolate
(something their daughter doesn't allow her son to eat) and
make a show of offering it to his grandson. "Don't do that!"
Bubby chides him. "Why not?" Zaidy asks, a mischievous gleam
in his eye. "No one's looking!"
They won't do it, of course, which makes everyone come out a
winner. Secure in the knowledge that their parents respect
and support them, the married children happily leave their
offspring with them whenever it's convenient. They also show
their appreciation by sending frequent notes of love and
thanks.
"It's nice that we're all grown up and have heart and feeling
and consideration for each other," Hadassah concludes.
"There's a lot of good in living close to each other. Why be
stubborn? They're still young; they'll learn. I'm amazed by
this gift that Hakodesh Baruch Hu created - grandchildren -
and I'm determined to enjoy it to the fullest."
