It is five minutes before Shabbos. The kitchen is sparkling,
nothing is out of place, the woman is ready to light, when
she notices a dirty coffee cup on the counter. Why does it
matter to her? The kitchen will be untidy again anyway, once
they have eaten.
*
She has been working against the clock for three hours so
that she can be at her appointment on time. The children are
in bed and she is dressed, ready to go when he says, "Would
you mind sewing on this button when you have a minute?"
*
All the children are finally in bed, even the baby, who had
his last fling and emptied out the whole toy cupboard again
before retiring for the night. The table is set for her
husband and herself, and the meal is ready. Why does she feel
guilty when he comes in and begins to pick up all the toys?
Why does it matter when he comments that he hardly ever sees
the children, especially the baby; it is a pity that they are
not up for another half hour when he comes home.
*
One night when her husband came home after a long day at
work, a woman was lying on the couch in the dining room,
reading a book. Two children were squabbling in the bathroom,
three others were playing as if it were early morning; the
breakfast dishes were still in the sink and the house looked
as chaotic as when he had left in the morning. Even the beds
were still unmade.
"What's the matter, darling?" he asked her solicitously, "Are
you not feeling well?"
"Oh no, I'm fine, but you come home every evening and ask me
what I do all day. So today I didn't do it."
Why did she mind him asking what she did all day? He was only
showing an interest.
*
She scours, scrubs and cleans; it is before Pesach. He
declares, "None of this is chometz. You can spring
clean some other time." He is right but he doesn't
understand.
Why must the house look spic and span when my mother comes,
and it does not matter so much when your mother comes?
She does not understand that he needs to solve his problems
alone, without chatting about them. He does not like to ask
advice. He does not like to ask for directions on the way.
Why does he mind when she urges him to ask someone?
We cannot always understand each other, but we can
communicate. If there is something which really bothers us,
we should discuss it, but when?
We have to work on our middos that we can show genuine
interest as we listen to what the other has to say, even if
we do not understand or agree. Many conflicts arise through
the fact that the partner is not giving the subject their
full attention. Therefore, when someone wants to say
something important, s/he has to choose a suitable time. We
achieve nothing or even make matters worse, if we say it at
the wrong time.
However much we need to say something, after working on
ourselves, we will not say it when we are angry, nor do we
need to say everything we feel. (This is more difficult for
some people than for others; so is the self-control it
involves.) Furthermore, we need to show that we are really
listening and that we have understood what the other person
is trying to say.
There are two ways to set about this. One is to inject the
occasional question like, "Was this even before you sat
down?" The second thing to do is to sum up what has been
said. For instance, "What you mean is that you were already
upset this morning before you left the house, because you
always remember our wedding anniversary, and I never do?" If
someone feels that they have not been understood, they may
repeat the same fact over and over again, not realizing that
the other person heard it very well the first time.
Positive speech is always better than negative. "I'll be
happy to sew that button on when I come in. Just leave it on
the back of the chair," is fine, whereas, "Why do you always
ask me when you know I am in a hurry," is creating conflict.
Besides, 'always' and 'never' are taboo words. He does not
'always' ask, when she is in a hurry.
