Question:
Dear Shadchante, I can identify with the mature single
girl who asked about taking the plunge and deciding to meet
widowers and divorced men . . . The problem is that as much
as I realize that time is flying, and the parade is passing
by.... I can not psych myself up to meeting previously
married men. (maybe a divorced fellow without kids married a
few weeks ,,,,)
I know that I am limiting myself on this front. It is also
difficult for me to "compromise" re: accepting a fellow from
a hard and problematic background. Where can I get the energy
and strength to go in this direction? People feel sorry for
me and try to encourage me but often the road to Gehinom is
paved with good intentions. They cause me a lot of pain. Can
you help me find comfort during my lonely vigil as I wait for
Mr. Right to appear? I speak to a "mentor" but find it
difficult to run to a big Rav with my concerns and
shaylos all the time. I would appreciate hearing from
you.
Thanks again
A reader who divides her time between two continents waiting
for her basherte.
LETTER II Dear Shadchente
In a recent column, you discussed the obstacles and
difficulties in doing research on divorced men..
I fall into the category of a "mature single," and I find
that when/if I get shidduch offers, many have obvious
and hidden pitfalls. Recently I was introduced to a single
fellow in my age bracket who seemed to meet many of my
requirements, but I did not want to continue to see this
fellow because of a problematic background. My parents agreed
with me, but the shadchan gave us a hard time.
What role should background problems play in
shidduchim? How far do I have to go back into family
background? What about the siblings: let's say, if siblings
are "drop-outs", divorced, ill? What about divorced
parents?
Thanx again,
Alone (and not at last)
Answer:
If you are an older single woman, or the parents of older
daughters, chances are you, better than anyone, understand
the problem. The eligible bachelor seems to have a long list
of potential marriage partners. The eligible "bachelorette"
sits patiently by the telephone, hoping that it will ring
with a suggestion of a possible suitor. As the telltale
saying goes in shadchanus: "A boy needs a secretary, a
girl needs an agent."
Low Self-Esteem and Reality
Whatever the reasons, the fact remains that the singles
population is getting larger and older. I believe this
dilemma is one of the difficult challenges of the birth pangs
before the coming of the Moshiach! Although hopefully, most
older singles do go on with their lives, studies, career,
etc. the pain is there. Bitterness, shattered dreams,
disappointments — you name it.
Without claiming to have the answers, I would like to explore
the situation from one possible angle. A contemporary
godol said that we live in a generation that suffers
from low self-esteem. People have such low self-confidence
that they doubt they can accomplish much. In the worst of
cases, it can lead to depression. But even the average person
nowadays doesn't feel pleased in general.
Once the self-image is so distorted and out of focus, a
person will really feel much worse than he really is. On
those lines, we tend to exaggerate and blow things out of
proportion.
When a person dwells in such negativity, it's not surprising
to be overwhelmed with doubt and despair. It becomes a self-
fulfilling prophecy that they might really in the end not get
too far.
It's human nature to try to balance off a lack by shifting
their expectations to compensate for it. It is not uncommon
for people to hide behind a title that's not their own, but
that connects them to a well known public figure. If the
candidate is the cousin of the sister-in-law of the Rosh
Yeshiva of the brother of the Rosh Kollel, etc. I'll have
protektsia. Or the more beautiful the better —
why settle for average? The same goes for financial issues
and other aspects as well.
At the same time, if one doesn't feel good with himself and
blessed with his lot, there will be a tendency to compare
oneself much more with others. I've heard time and again, "If
my child's married friends got x, y and z, why shouldn't we
also get?"
We don't know everything about someone else's lives. Their
glitter certainly shines, but the dirty laundry is kept
secret as much as possible.
Just like no one is perfect, how can one be expected to meet
someone with all the mailos? Up to a certain extent,
every shidduch requires a certain amount of
compromising.
Sometimes people come to me with such a long list of musts,
that I wonder if they themselves fit all those categories
that are so hard to meet!
"A matchmaker corners a yeshiva bochur and says, "Do I
have a girl for you!"
"Not interested", replies the student.
"But she's beautiful!"
"Yeah?"
"Yes. And she's very rich too."
"Really?"
"And she has great yichus! Comes from a very fine
family."
"Sounds great." says the boy. "But why would a girl like that
want to marry me? She'd have to be crazy."
Replies the shadchan, "Well, you can't have
everything!"
I am not coming to criticize anyone. I don't feel I have the
right to tell who is realistic and who isn't. And there are
also plenty of very level-headed people around who really try
very hard to make their hishtadlus and soundly
consider offers, but unfortunately haven't yet found their
mate.
What to Compromise On
I'm sorry, but I can't give ready-made answers that fit all
cases. The first question is who you are. It depends on your
background, personality, flexibility, adaptability, etc.
At the same time, besides the hang-ups that might bother you,
you need to put them in perspective with what mailos
the match has. What one person can't stand, another might be
prepared to put up with as far as there is enough positive
going for the suggestion.
Pushy Shadchan
Then in walks "The Authority", the pushy matchmaker with all
the solutions. Maybe this one will crystallize my dreams into
reality . . . (Hopefully at the same time I will be the
living image of what he has been aspiring to for all those
long years . . . )
It's even worst when she uses "well-intended emotional
blackmail." Have you ever heard: "I really care about you.
You are so special that your foolishness hurts me. How can
you keep wasting your time? Do you want to remain an old maid
(or bachelor)? Who will want you? But I can help you now. I
have just the right person for you, but you keep saying 'no'
to an outstanding individual. So what if (s)he . . . . . . .
.", etc, etc.
Chevy heard that more than once. She shared how a certain
shadchan pushed her into certain matches: "This time,
I found him for you. You are made for each other. This was
Heavenly ordained. I can just see you together under the
chupah, I am telling you . . . " I can't even begin to
explain what a mismatch it was. Besides the fact that they
had very opposite outlooks, he had rough manners . . .
Perhaps the match was based on the fact that he wore pants
and she a skirt! Chevy came home crying.
Not long after, the same lady called with a brilliant offer:
"OK, this time . . . He is just what you've been praying
for! Such a wonderful person, if I just had a daughter I
wouldn't hesitate . . . Trust me, he is just exceptional,
marvelous, excellent! Not the `run of the mill', but the
`cream of the crop'! I am so happy to finally bring you the
yeshuah . . . And he is very anxious to meet you. I
can just feel how you are soul mates, ideal for each
other."
Chevy said he appeared as old as her father. She eventually
found out that he was in fact over 20 years older than her!!!
And he looked very sickly . . . Unfortunately, she was told
none of that. Only lies to get her to go out and build up her
expectations. And all the shadchan claimed was "I
didn't realize. Had I known . . . Well, I wasn't really
acquainted with him so well." Chevy thought: "But didn't you
say a few days ago you would have set him up with your own
daughter?"
No, no one can insist of knowing the perfect intended match.
I don't believe in pushing. If something is ordained, people
have to go into it without others manipulating them. Hashem
doesn't need anyone to take control. Manipulating opinions
doesn't impress me.
Daas Torah
It can be extremely helpful to clarify issues with daas
Torah. I agree with you, it's not easy to be asking
questions all the time. But sometimes it's unavoidable.
Especially in a case where a higher authority is needed.
I know many who are set on certain specifications. I read
about a woman who after years of dating decided on two
aspects that were really important for her: not a
chossid and someone musical, for she holds that
Shabbos zmiros are very important. She is today
happily married to a chossid who is "tone deaf." I
know of other similar stories.
I often tell older singles that if they are not sure what to
compromise on, they must ask daas Torah. Certain
characteristics are a matter of personal taste. Beyond that
are facts that one should have in perspective if they should
be overlooked or not.
You might have all kinds of justifications that you really
know what is in store for you. However, as I wrote before,
the closest to prophecy in our generation is the wisdom of
the gedolim.
For instance, a scenario that repeats itself is the "older
sibling who is blocking traffic." I am referring to younger
siblings who start dating late because they are still waiting
for older ones to get engaged. I heard from a well- known
posek that although one should feel for the older
single, he can't demand that the younger one(s) wait. (There
might be different opinions.)
You could get general guidelines and it doesn't mean that on
every suggestion you will have to run to ask again.
"Mentor"
It is extremely difficult to be objective and set aside minor
points from what really matters. Because the person going out
can get very fogged in their own world of feelings and even
convince themselves through twisted logic to come to
decisions that might be regretted sooner or later. Especially
if s(he) has been dating for many years and is "burned out",
emotionally exhausted from the "ups and downs" of
shidduchim.
I'm not referring particularly to a professional therapist,
who should anyway be called in case of need. Ideally,
whenever possible, a close family member, like a parent,
would be the ideal mentor.
Often the parents themselves will see the benefit in
encouraging their children to speak to a reliable person whom
they trust. A rebbi, teacher, friend of the family, neighbor,
etc. could be objective and give an added dimension of
guidance that won't exclude the parents, but only reinforce
positive encouragement.
It is better to draw near someone that you already know and
who understands who you are. But sometimes people prefer a
certain anonymity to approach precisely someone who is not
part of their immediate life. A sensible public figure I
respect shared: "As you mentioned, it certainly improves the
quality of relationship between mentor and single if they
have a previous connection, but I think there are wise women
out there, and men, too, who can give good wholesome common
sense back-up and a pinch of advise to older singles stuck in
a rut and for those who are stuck with few suggestions, the
mentors can help fish around for some new ones...."
If the advisor has helped others, it's even better. Success
builds reliability and experience. It is imperative that the
person you come to rely on has an exemplary and healthy
outlook on life.
Such a "dating coach" shouldn't make all decisions for you
but help you sort out your thoughts. A springboard to rethink
your ideas, helping you to articulate and even reenact what
you want to express.
In addition, you should look for someone understanding and
non-judgmental who will be able to listen and be accepting,
and at the same time, with more insight and good judgment
then you. Hopefully, the acquaintance has survived
shidduchim and is happily married. A friend your age
also in shidduchim can be empathetic and share but
will lack being able to see the situation from a different
perspective, not knowing what to expect at the "other end of
the tunnel."
We need to be humble and admit that we are not all-powerful.
We don't always have all the answers.
Rebbetzin Travis has many years of experience and success
in helping people through shidduchim. Please note that all
names have been changed unless specified, with the exception
of well-known public figures like Gedolim and
educators. Any comments, questions and stories can be sent
to: travisdn@013.net or at (02) 656-3111
