Chana was born into an exemplary, frum family. Her
father was a respected Rosh Yeshiva, and her mother was a
fountain of chessed who always had her priorities
straight. Chana was the eldest of six siblings, and she was a
responsible, dedicated student. The children all thrived from
the warmth and peace in their loving home, and they never
noticed the sparse furnishings or the limited budget.
When Chana entered high school, she continued to excel
academically and socially. But like any teenager, she entered
a period of self-consciousness, and she sometimes felt
insecure about herself. It was at this time that her father's
family visited from California. Chana's uncle was a big
businessman in America, but he had lost many of his religious
ideals. He married a Modern Orthodox woman who didn't cover
her hair, and their children attended co-ed day schools in
LA. They believed that they could live in two worlds. They
would keep Shabbos and keep kosher. But in all other ways,
they would dress and act almost identically to the
goyim.
Chana had never been exposed to such a perspective before,
but she had an instant connection to her cousin Elizabeth
during that visit. Elizabeth had all the latest toys and
gadgets, and she seemed to enjoy a much more exciting life
than Chana did. When the visit came to a close, Chana and
Elizabeth decided to keep in touch. At first, Chana's parents
were happy since they assumed that she would be an inspiring
role model for her cousin. But then they began to notice
small changes taking place in Chana's wardrobe.
It wasn't anything dramatic. It started as a different
hairstyle with a showier clip and progressed to more
alternative skirts. Her parents asked her to break off
contact with Elizabeth. They could see from all the phone
calls and the letters that Chana was heading in the wrong
direction, but Chana tearfully refused. Elizabeth had become
one of her closest friend, and she seemed to know so much
more about the outside world than her narrow-minded family.
Why close your eyes to everything? Chana reasoned with
herself. And slowly, despite her mother's prayers and her
father's repeated interventions, Chana began to leave the
Torah-filled, protected world of her childhood.
After high school, she began to work in an office where most
of the employees were secular, and slowly but surely, Chana
felt herself pulled to the independent, glamorous lives of
her co-workers. Unfortunately, Chana even went beyond falling
into the Modern Orthodox way of life; she walked that
slippery slope and lost everything, including Shabbos. Her
parents were devastated, and her younger siblings were
embarrassed. But Chana climbed the ladder in her company, and
she began to make a great salary. She traveled the world for
business meetings and bought designer clothing. Chana had her
own deluxe apartment; she felt like she was free.
It took eight years until Chana became disillusioned with the
world of an independent businesswoman. She finally began to
see that the glitter only lay on the surface, and the
emptiness of the secular world became clear. But how could
she go back? At first Chana didn't return out of shame; she
wasn't sure that her family would accept her again.
Fortunately, her parents were ecstatic when they heard that
she wanted to come home and welcomed her back with open
arms.
On the day Chana moved back home, her parents felt like all
of their prayers had been answered. They did eventually find
Chana a shidduch, and Chana found her way back to
Yiddishkeit. She doesn't blame Elizabeth for her straying,
and she doesn't blame her parents either. But she has also
learned to be gentle with herself as she realizes how
vulnerable she was when Elizabeth first came to visit. Chana
regrets the years of emptiness, as she struggles now to do
the necessary teshuvah to transform her past for the
good. But for now, she says: "I lost eight years of my life
that can never be replaced."
* please note that many details of this story have been
changed to protect the privacy of those involved.
