What do we each have that can help us overcome our
challenges? What can we access that can bring us salvation
in any situation?
The first item in our arsenal is surely prayer. As the Miami
Boys' Choir sings it, 'With His help, I can stand on my
own!' Through prayer, we can be merit or access many amazing
things. But Hashem wants us to make an effort as well. What
can we do to ensure success in the face of any challenge?
Let's start with a thought-provoking anecdote that has
really made the rounds, but still bears repeating. A Bubby
was asked, perhaps by her granddaughter, while sitting at
the kitchen table, 'There are so many appliances, gadgets
and machines that have been invented during your lifetime.
Which is the best? A real must-have! Is it the food
processor? Dishwasher? Vacuum cleaner?'
Answered the Bubby with a smile, 'Actually, it's the kitchen
faucet.'
Today we are avalanched with information, and how to's.
There are countless books, articles and tapes full of great
ideas on how to cope, raise children, have good
relationships and so much more. The truth is we can gain a
lot from them, as we need constant reminders to help us
throughout our day. Although we are loaded with a multitude
of devices, yes, including running water, which make our
tasks much easier to perform, we are also inundated with
responsibilities such as never before.
Telephones, airplanes, and computers, among other
innovations, not only enable us to extend our 'community' as
never before, but they also obligate us to do so. Like it
our not, it is a reality that did not exist in generations
past. We have to deal with many more people than our
ancestors ever did.
So, to facilitate our overcoming every challenge, can our
secret weapon be to read, study and practice all the
guidance that we can get our hands on? That seems a bit
overwhelming. I would like to propose a more basic, all-
purpose instrument: our brain. On one of his many tapes, R'
Avigdor Miller zt'l brings out a fascinating, but
often overlooked fact: We choose what to think. We
don't have to allow our minds to wander on useless and
destructive thoughts. We aren't even allowed to. That is one
of the worst forms of baal tashchis that exists!
So how do we work on training our brain? Here's the how-to:
Start by teaching yourself to direct your thoughts.
During the day, when your mind starts to wander to useless
'post mortem' types of thinking, or you find yourself
mulling over conversations or situations that are beyond
your ability to improve upon, stop yourself and give
yourself something else to think about. You just cannot
concentrate on two different thoughts at the same time!
R' Miller recommends thinking about olom haba,
picturing our Avos and the events that are depicted
in the Torah.
You can create and review a `gratitude' list as you think
about all that Hashem has done for you. Think about what
your parents and other family members have done as well
— try to be grateful for each tiny element and you can
create exhaustive lists.
If you are in the mood, try focusing on developing and
organizing things that need tending to, whether it is
shopping, playing with a child, or planning a future
conversation. Prepare yourself by recalling past successes
and failures, and how they came to be. If you aren't in the
frame of mind for that, try to review a shiur you
attended. See if you can remember the points that interested
you or some of the halachos you learned or stories
that were given over. This can be a helpful review of what
you learned, while you are forcing yourself to think about
what you consciously have chosen.
Another option is to sing in your head! You do not
need a tape or CD! As you continue to develop the habit of
focusing your thinking, you will find it easier to go on to
getting more out of your brain.
The next step in using your brain would be to develop
your imagination to enable you to cope with challenges.
Are you upset because someone hurt your feelings? Imagine
that they called up, apologized, begged for forgiveness,
sent a dozen roses...Take a few minutes to do this. Picture
their tears, hugs, smell the roses. Would you still be angry
if all that happened? Probably not. So make believe that it
did. After all, your antagonist probably didn't mean it,
didn't realize he/she had even done anything, or was in a
bad mood — and after all, isn't each person just
Hashem's messenger to give us what we deserve?
Of course, if it is a major offense and needs dealing with,
you may have to take action, hopefully with the guidance of
a wise person, such as a Rav or Rebbetzen. But most of our
annoyances are minor, and best forgotten as quickly as
possible. Try thinking, "Thank You for giving me the
opportunity to control myself..." or "Thank You for cleaning
me from some sin I committed." (After all, in the bedtime
Shema, we ask Hashem to erase our sins, but not
through great suffering. If this 'hurt' can be put in the
`little suffering' section, we must be grateful.)
Imagine yourself having an entire detailed conversation with
this person, and you will see the incident from their point
of view. Or try, in your mind, discussing it in detail with
someone you respect. Maybe select a speaker, or author with
whose style you are familiar. Figure out what they would
say, as you present your problem. Hear 'their' advice as you
go over different possible reactions, and you will amaze
yourself at the insights you yourself can provide, while
playing the role of mentor. This is not a one-minute thought
process, but can actually take half an hour or more, if you
really throw yourself into it. You can also try to picture
the beautiful jewel Hashem is adding to your olom
haba as a reward for your practicing good
middos. Picture Hashem loving you with the strength
of the sun at midday, as we learn is the case for those that
do not speak loshon hara when tempted.
Use your brain to actually picture upcoming
activities in your mind and how they might develop. If
it's a conversation, try to fill in both sides. This can
generate many ideas, and also help you to understand the
other person's viewpoint. Along with this, try to avoid
judging, judge favorably or at the very least, reserve
judgment.
Don't waste your valuable thinking time by figuring out what
the other person should have done. Determine what your
options and needs are and develop a strategy to fulfill your
goal. Don't let yourself get sidetracked; if you find
yourself returning to other thoughts, refocus. It may help
initially to write down your options, possibilities and
ideas. As you start spending your thinking 'free-time' in
this manner, you will be training yourself to direct your
thoughts, not the other way around. When someone hurts you,
you will be able to remind yourself that it is time to
direct your thoughts in a beneficial way and use your newly
developed, and practiced technique.
Realize that there are three parts to every response we have
to anything. There is the stimulus - the event that triggers
us, and our reaction. But in between, comes our
interpretation. And that is what we can work on changing, to
prevent ourselves from responding poorly.
Most importantly, remind yourself that life is too short to
be petty and your mind is too precious to be wasted on small-
mindedness. In Brachos 5a, we learn tactics for when
a person sees his yetzer hora getting the best of
him. There are several suggestions — strengthen your
yetzer tov, go learn Torah, say Shema. Only
at the end does it tell us to remind ourselves of our day of
death. Why is this excellent piece of advice written after
all the other suggestions? Why not just tell us straight
away to realize how limited is our stay here in this world?
Shouldn't that be the most valuable tactic?
The answer is that without following the other suggestions
first, we will not find picturing our demise to be
effective. We need the entire process. By using our brain to
our advantage, we can avoid the many interactions that lead
us to regret how we wasted many golden opportunities, which
is really what our challenges are.
