Question: "I find it interesting that many young men and
women spend incredible amounts of time uncovering minor,
inconsequential evidence of illnesses in the past while
overlooking the much more important and germane aspects of
who their perspective partner really is. I would like you to
comment on how much one should dwell on questions about
health."
Answer:
What is a medical concern?
In my experience, usually the first reaction upon hearing
about a medical matter is to rule out the suggestion.
However, I intend to point out that if the offer sounds like
a prince, you can't let fear alone ruin your resolutions. You
need to be well informed to weigh the decision carefully.
When I ask about illness, even though I am inquiring about
major factors, some even mention small inconveniences like
slight allergies, minor fungus on their toes, etc. No family
has perfect genes . . . But I have also encountered sincere
people who revealed serious issues, following rabbinic
advice.
Even when a matchmaker does her "homework," she might not be
acquainted with all that is "hidden under the carpet."
Nevertheless, even if she does know, if she is G-d-fearing
and conscientious, she has already consulted daas
Torah to know when to reveal it.
Everything needs to be put into perspective. In addition,
what bothers some, others willingly ignore. For example, some
can't stand smoking, not just for the smell or welfare
reasons, but also because it is an addiction. I have
encountered natural food eaters who were so into their
healthy way of life that they would probably have difficulty
dealing with the vast majority that does eat meat and
processed foods regularly.
An experienced doctor told me that even youngsters have a
certain "kvech" — it's not possible to feel 100%
all the time. The question is whether it's a minor
inconsequential diagnosis, or a trouble that weakens the body
significantly enough to disturb normal functioning.
Furthermore, an unjustified obsession that the other side is
hiding a disease can distract from the whole process of
making inquiries on what we certainly must be concerned
about. I have even heard of a girl in shidduchim
getting a fake call pretending to be from the medical
insurance company asking if she had any medical appointments
. . .
How will it affect marriage?
When you hear about an illness, the first step is to find out
what it entails. A fancy scientific name might be less scary
then it seems to be . . . You might want to read basic
information about it. I have found it very helpful to ask my
family doctor for guidelines. He has also suggested what to
inquire about when trying to research a specific case.
By all means, don't limit your understanding to comments from
a well-intentioned ignorant neighbor or pushy matchmaker. The
Levis, taken aback, told me that while making inquiries, a
physical condition was disclosed. Interrupting their harangue
of apprehension, the matchmaker snapped back, irresponsibly
saying that she didn't understand "what the fuss was all
about." Would she say the same if the proposition was for her
dear child?
Rabbi Shlomo Zalman Auerbach zt'l wrote in a
halachic response that negative issues, by definition,
are factors that will affect marriage. So it's important to
clarify what limitation the ailment imposes on that
particular individual.
The Merriam Webster Thesaurus defines disease as "a
condition . . . that impairs normal functioning and is
typically manifested by distinguishing signs and symptoms."
The main present concern is if it disrupts the daily
schedule. In other words, how is the life style affected and
limited.
For example, although Shaindy has a minor motor coordination
problem, she is able to perform daily tasks satisfactorily.
The only setback is that she is not a perfectionist when it
comes to precise hand coordination chores like baking
cookies, etc. because it might take her a little longer than
others to do fine motor movements. But she does bake cookies
(and they are delicious!) and she is a terrific
balabusta.
Primarily, you will want to find out whether the sickness
interferes with a routine of learning, work or running a
household. Also, if the person is on medication and if it
keeps the condition under control.
Actually, what seems to be good enough or better currently,
does not give the whole known picture. Part of general
inquiries should be checking if there was any past
significant medical history.
In addition, ask about future prognostics. Many infirmities
affect child bearing and pregnancy. Statistics and medical
research can help to evaluate what could be expected. Some
complications are less surprising, while others are
pessimistic conjectures of all that could possibly go
wrong.
Even if the candidate is healthy, heredity and genetics
should also be taken into account. I am writing a future
article about it.
Gathering information
The questions above are critical and need to be answered
before making any coherent assessment. Beyond general
knowledge, you have to find out how severe his/her case
is.
To "ask around" can be harmful, for not all friends and
neighbors might know about it. At the same time, sometimes
known situations are spread and along the way, each person
leaves out something important, adds his or her own colorful
detail, and what might finally emerge is a distorted picture.
So be careful that you get the facts from a trustworthy
source who didn't hear it from second or third parties.
Asking how the information was picked up will add to the
reliability of the account.
I can't emphasize enough how important it is to verify
everything you hear. For instance, Mrs. Feld cried to me that
a teacher given as a reference made wrong assumptions about
her daughter's health. The boy's parents believed the
information and didn't even bother to check further. I
realized that it was not basheret, when a few months
later an elated Mrs. Feld shared the news that her daughter
got engaged.
In fact, many choose not to be secretive about simple
occurrences. It is preferable not to hide that Uri had
surgery because he broke his arm falling from the bike or
that Mindy had a simple cosmetic surgery to remove a
birthmark, rather than having apprehensive acquaintances
wondering what happened, perhaps even assuming that it was
something much worse than it really was. Suspicions can be
fertile ground for human wild imagination.
Usually, serious obvious diseases became known to neighbors,
very close friends, and educators. But if possible, it's
preferable to avoid the inquiring from getting back to the
person asked about. It is painful enough to have an ailment,
even more so to have others pry into it.
Even with all competent investigation, it is not always
feasible to have a clear evaluation. For example more often
than not, diseases have risks factors. The future is unknown
and new developments could occur. Besides the organic, inborn
aspects, external pressures like stress could also worsen
sickness in an unpredictable way.
In certain situations, the other side might even agree to let
you speak to the physician involved. Because of medical
ethics, the professional will only be allowed to disclose the
case to you if the patient gives him permission. Although it
is very uncomfortable (to put it mildly) having others
explore private records, if the patient is interested in the
shidduch they might consider it.
Psychiatric Conditions
There are stigmas and fears associated with psychiatric
disorders. By nature, mental aspects are more subjective and
less is known about the function of the brain than about
other organs. Therefore, more confidentiality and discretion
are required. Families are so concerned about
shidduchim that, regrettably, many deny their child
access to professional assistance. "Many families are so
obsessed by feelings of shame and concern for `what people
will say' that they neglect to give this individual the
treatment he requires and allow him to be literally buried in
his misery. Their concern for shidduchim of their
other children causes them to overlook the needs of this
wonderful member of the family, and they willingly renounce
their rights to government support which is sorely needed for
his rehabilitation (article about mental illness Yated
March, 2004)." Another consequence, mentioned by a reader is
that, "The problems usually erupt after the person is
'safely' married, and the spouse must pay the penalty. The
marriage may be jeopardized." There is a considerable
percentage that, with medical help and medication, can lead a
normal life, with no discernable difference or abnormality in
their behavior. A frum doctor told me that even in our
community there is a high percentage of people taking anti-
depressants.
Making a decision
Remember to keep in mind not only the person suggested, with
his/her problems. But further — who is the suggestion
for? Perhaps the healthy party also has a pekalah!
Check if there are enough positive compatible pros. If you
think there is room for a consideration, don't rush into a
negative decision. Present what worries you, your legitimate
reservations, to a godol who will advise you on how to
proceed. I have found poskim to be knowledgeable about
health issues as well. The ruling might be that the risks are
too great and this particular match is unsuitable. All
shidduchim investigation and decision-making processes
are efforts to deal with the subject sensibly. But Hashem is
the only One who has all the answers! We don't know what lies
in store for us later on. Many of us carry some bad genes,
and if you find someone who doesn't, what guarantee do you
have that they won't, Rachmono litzlan, die young of
cancer or trauma? My pediatrician used to tell over and over
an ironic situation about a couple she knew. The husband
drove a school bus and was such an ill man that the students'
parents worried he would have a heart attack while working.
My doctor even instructed her kids what to do, what number to
call, in case of an emergency. Although his wife was much
younger and energetic, she had a sudden unpredictable demise,
while the husband's health was enhanced dramatically by new
medical developments that cured his problem. He is still
alive and well. The pediatrician concluded that we never know
for sure what will definitely happen both to the sick and to
the healthy . . .
Rabbi Brevda shlita says that nowadays we look for
shortcuts, quick solutions — but there are no
novelties, there is nothing more effective than "plain old"
prayer as the best possible effort for good tidings!
Rebbetzin Travis has many years of experience and success
in helping people through shidduchim. Please note that
all names have been changed unless specified, with the
exception of well-known public figures like gedolim
and educators. Any comments, questions and stories can be
sent to: travisdn@013.net or at (02) 656-3111
