Question: I'm a teacher in a Bais Yaakov Seminary. I get many
phone calls about girls. If I would tell you, dear
Shadchante, the kind of questions I'm asked, you
wouldn't believe me. Beyond the usual general inquiries, some
of the mothers drive me crazy asking unimportant details.
I'll give you an example; the other day they wanted to know
the exact shade of blond/brown of her hair!
Another woman asked me what size the girl wears and if her
parents have a nice bank account! I can have an idea if
someone is thin or if the family would be able to help. But
once they get caught in such specific points . . . I know
that it's not just my concern. I think part of the problem is
that there are more good girls than boys, so they get lots of
offers and don't know where to start . . . This issue has
been raised many times in frum publications, but since
I admire your column and think a broader audience would read
your answer, I ask you to please illuminate the boys'
families about what should be the priorities to look for in a
girl.
Bais Yaakov Mechaneches Answer: Dear Bais Yaakov
Mechaneches, I couldn't have written better! Yes, it is
quite a challenge in our generation. It is so accepted as the
norm, that people are not surprised anymore. The
specifications and norms of boy's families sometimes even
border on arrogance, if not fully under the category! There
is no need to develop on that trait that is so despicable and
against the spirit of the Torah.
Lessons From the Ovos: Yitzchok and Rivka's Shidduch
Rabbi Shimshon Rafael Hirsch, in his brilliant commentary to
the Torah, writes about the Torah verse that says, "Take a
wife for my son, for Yitzchok." The Torah uses a double
terminology: "my son" and "Yitzchok." "My son" refers to the
aspect of Yitzchok who is to follow in Avrohom's Torah ways
and ideology. "Yitzchok" refers to the unique individual. The
Chumash is showing that, for a spouse to be suitable,
(s)he must not only be religiously compatible and of fine
character ("for my son"). The match must also be suitable and
fitting for each one's individual personality ("for
Yitzchok"). By specifying that the girl should be from
Avrohom's hometown, he could be indicating that there would
be more likelihood of closeness, in that the girl and
Yitzchok have a somewhat similar background and family ties.
Besides the background and personality lessons, the narrative
of Rivka's acts of kindheartedness are eternal lessons
recorded for all generations. When Rivka came out to the
well, the Midrash teaches (Sefer Agados Yisroel),
there were more events that took place than the written Torah
records. All events center on Rivka's practices of enormous
active loving kindness together with mercy and compassion.
This was just before she was matched to her soul mate.
Eventually Eliezer also observed by the well her giving and
hospitality not only to him, a stranger, but also benevolence
to his animals. For only a highly sensitive and caring soul
could have such a concern even for details, insight and
wisdom.
Feminine Qualities
A woman is the heart of the home — her ability to
appreciate, encourage, accept, and nurture is what keeps the
house going. Our children are educated and nurtured by
Yiddishe mammas to be leaders and upright servants of
Hashem. "Women's wisdom builds her home." Despite her good
intentions, a woman needs to have the common sense and
sensibility that her holy task as a mother and wife require.
Men are attracted to this soft gentle mode that they so much
need by their side, to complement their outward mission to
carry out and conquer as a public figure. This female aspect
is actually something all men mention to me in one way or
another. For universally, all males yearn for that affection.
Even if the woman works; her base, her priority should be the
home. We live in a generation where women have became more
independent and knowledgeable about the ways of the world.
The need to help with financial support have drawn out our
girls to learn professions and be part of the well-trained
wider society. There are conscientious efforts that this
shouldn't interfere with their outlooks. But sadly enough, it
does happen countless times. Many professional women are so
pressured and high-strung that they harden their gentle soft,
feminine nature.
Finding Good
In Mishlei (18:22) it is written: "Motzo isha,
motzo tov", finding a woman [wife] is encountering good.
The Meiri explains that finding a woman means one who is
virtuous and with common sense, for that is good. If she is
capable, he can rest assured that she will be by his side to
help him achieve his goals. And if she is worthy, it will
bring Divine assistance to his home.
Rav Shimshon Refoel Hirsch married an older woman because he
needed someone mature to help him accomplish his lifelong
tireless battle for Torah authentic Judaism.
The Gemorah Sotah teaches: Rabbi Shmuel the son of
Rabbi Yitzchok said that one's intended mate is determined
according to his deeds. Rashi elucidates that to a
tzaddik, a modest woman is befitting and the opposite
is fitting to a wicked man.
Therefore a Ben Torah who knows his priorities will
only concentrate on what is appropriate for a serious Yeshiva
student. The basis for choosing a marriage partner and
mission is innate worth — not hollow nor fleeting
values. He will only want a `second half' who shares his
Torah-oriented goals. Anyone who doesn't fit that
description, even if she is beautiful and very wealthy, won't
even enter his mind as a suitable partner.
In fact, in response to questions regarding "attraction", the
Steipler Rav zt"l would say: "A beast is acquired by
meshicha (pulling — a play on the abstract
meaning, which denotes attraction) while a person is acquired
by good character traits." He then stressed that after the
wedding, all of these considerations are meaningless and
inconsequential, and that everything depends on the character
traits of the marriage partner (except in cases of a truly
repulsive external appearance).
A levelheaded boy will look for a girl with whom he can build
together. The Steipler stressed that a young man should seek
a wife who was educated with fear of Hashem and will
appreciate and respect his learning. Likewise, Maran Rav
Shach zt"l wrote in a letter that the main qualities
to look for are good middos, for that includes
everything! He added that she must have been educated with a
Torah hashkofoh so that she will educate her children
accordingly. There should also be an assurance that she and
her family will do what they can to help him in Kollel. He
continued that fortune is a revolving wheel and no one knows
what will be in the future, but at least there should be
willingness to do what one reasonably can to help. A young
student mentioned to the Steipler Z"l that he was
meeting a girl that wanted him to learn; she said, though,
that it would be hard for her if followed a certain Shabbos
stringency. The Rav answered strongly: "She doesn't want a
Ben Torah! She will want you to work! To be married to a Ben
Torah her whole life is much harder than that Shabbos
practice!"
Certainly, a life of Torah is not glamorous or enchanting as
defined by the search for fun which the secular world
encourages. The daily challenges of living for the correct
ideals and doing what is right even when it's not easy are
the greatest possible pleasures but require motivation and
maturity.
The Abarbanel notes how mistaken is the notion that Bnei
Torah are rewarded in the next world and the secular person
in this world. No, we get to enjoy both worlds. For the only
way to true simchah and fulfillment in the here and
now is by thriving on Torah and mitzvos. That is what
Eliezer checked in Rivka. Even though there was a miraculous
sign that the waters rose for her, he still checked if she
was a baalas chesed. As we know, Rivka watered all ten
camels without even being asked. But did Eliezer have to stay
and watch her water all ten? This was a strenuous task.
Surely he could have stopped after two; after all, she did
say that she was going to do it. One reason is that Eliezer
wanted to see if she was healthy, after ascertaining that she
was beautiful and kind. Another reason is that he wanted to
see if Rivka would do as she said, rather than leaving the
job unfinished. Abraham himself was a master of consistency,
despite "saying little and doing much" — and these
qualities were reflected in Rivka.
Acting and Not Just Knowing
A group of students from a very intellectual seminary once
went to Rav Shach and asked him a difficult question. He
answered them but at the same time, asked if they could bake
a cake like the one the Rebbitzen had just served them. The
point is that girls should certainly have a base on what they
need to know, like halochoh, hashkofoh, chumash, etc.
but should not forget their duties as a wife and mother. It's
inspiring and enlightening for ladies to pick up a
sefer and learn for a long time. But what's going to
be if Yankel can't find his socks, Raizel is crying
hysterically without having anyone to comfort her, Chavi
needs help with homework, and Shea needs his medication?
Consequently, Berish can't get to Kollel or work, because the
house is in a constant state of pandemonium . . . It is
important for a young lady to have her priorities straight
and know that her duties involve repetitive tasks, often
mundane, but no less lofty then others. A young girl who is
used to doing acts of kindness, and does them with her heart
and soul, will also likely continue doing so when she get
married.
The list of positive traits is endless. We all know the
importance of derech eretz , self-control, humility,
etc. Beyond the looks of a modest `uniform' of long skirt and
blouse, we have to know what is inside. We all have
shortcomings. But an ugly situation is when those faults are
the dominant, the rule . . . A superficial, immature person
focuses on taking. Such a person waits for what he can get,
for s/he is the center. This impenetrable barrier between the
self and others create an egoistic world, in which even the
Creator is unwelcome! At the same time, when there is no self-
control, temper outbursts and arrogance are unavoidable, and
inner turmoil spills all over the place.
Please Parents and Educators
A friend shared with me that after both sides inquired and
the couple was about to meet, particularly high demands were
placed on the girl's side, but the shadchan assured
them that it was not from his family. My friend wondered who
was it from and asked her assertive son-in-law to speak
directly to the other side to get the story straight. The
boy's mother admitted that it wasn't that they wanted to be
difficult but since her son was `so special,' why shouldn't
he find a girl that lived up his standard . . . In other
words, yes, it was their expectations! It was clear to my
friend that the families were not compatible. But I wonder if
the boy ever found a girl with specifications so hard to
meet.
Please, parents and educators, remember that we are obligated
to search out those individuals and families who reflect our
values and beliefs. Granted that we do not possess the
strength of the Forefathers and Mothers; however, we are all
ovos and imahos in our own right. The way we
live and the focus of our decisions establish a template for
our children's future. With such a responsibility at stake,
we have to be focused on the essentials. The Manchester Rosh
Yeshiva, Harav Segal zt"l, once said that after all is
said and done, a parent has the obligation to find a
shidduch that will make his child happy. It is
therefore important to include your son or daughter in the
process. Find out who their fantasy spouse is and challenge
them to be more realistic and honest. It is a parent's
responsibility to lower or raise a child's expectations.
Rebbetzin Travis has many years of experience and success
in helping people through shidduchim. Any comments,
questions and stories can be sent to: dytravis@013.net.il or
at (02) 656-3111
