Question: Although on paper, the boys I met sounded perfect
for me, face-to face they were far from what I am looking
for. How will I know who is my zivug?
Debbie
Answer:
Dear Debbie,
Mr. Right
First of all, you should never forget that you will certainly
have the full wisdom and support of your parents, so that you
should not feel that the entire weight of the decision rests
just upon your shoulders.
Also, don't expect things to happen as in the fantasy world
of "love at first sight." Most likely you won't know who your
zivug is right away. And be wary of people that
suggest a shidduch saying — "I know who your
bashert is. You're so compatible. You're made for each
other . . . "
Also forget about someone who will meet all your
expectations. Your other half will probably be someone with
many qualities, but also with faults that you can tolerate.
No one is perfect. Look for someone that you can live
with.
How will I recognize him?
A counselor wrote: " . . . make a list of all of the
qualities you think are important in a future husband. Those
characteristics that define a decent, honest, caring human
being are "givens" — we all want to marry someone we
think of as a mensch. But what will determine the
success of the relationship is not only how great he is or
how wonderful you are — but how you interact
together.
Beila* told me recently that Ephraim* is so similar to her,
that had he been a girl, they would have been best friends.
On paper the shidduch was perfect. However, it didn't
work out. Somehow, as a couple, the two of them together were
not a good match.
Rivky*'s successful story was quite complicated. When she
first heard about Elchanan*, she had certain hesitations.
Nonetheless, she decided to give it a try, anyway, because in
so many aspects he was just what she was looking for.
Elchanan was the closest suggestion so far to what she hoped
for. They had a similar background and hashkofo, but
Rivky couldn't work out the initial doubts. Obviously that
prevented them from making a bond and they broke off.
A few months later, she heard that Elchonon went to a yeshiva
in Eretz Yisroel. It made her rethink the situation. In the
end, Rivky flew to Eretz Yisroel and they met again. She then
tried to focus on his many virtues. There were ups and downs,
indecisions, but eventually she made up her mind. She never
regretted having said "Yes"!
When you meet, try as much as possible to focus on the
situation at hand. Try to block from your thoughts what could
have been if he were like your father / understanding like
the last boy you met / wise like a godol etc. He is
what he is. "Take it or leave it."
The main answer to the original question is about the
dynamics of the relationship. The meeting might not be smooth
and clear, but when all is said and done, there has to be
potential for the two to get along together.
Communication
To build together a bayis ne'eman is no small task . .
. The daily challenges are great and the responsibility is
tremendous.
You have to be able to work together as a team. That means to
be able to communicate in a positive way. The trial is not
when you agree. What about when you think differently?
I remember Rochel*'s idealism to return to her hometown in
the interior of Ukraine, where there was less than a
minyon of Jews. As a baalas tshuva, she wanted
to help build the community there together with her future
husband. Shneur* was willing to go there for a year, although
he didn't speak Russian. However, his dream was to raise his
children in Israel and continue learning long term in the
Yeshiva which he had been attending for the past ten years.
Since they couldn't come to compromise, the shidduch
was broken.
Before marriage, there should be basic agreements about major
life goals. There has to be indication that disagreements
could be handled respectfully. Nonetheless, I once heard from
a Rov who helps couples with sholom bayis that most
fights which end up in divorce are not necessarily because of
big issues but because of small ones where neither spouse was
able to give up or compromise!
Understanding is an art. It can take a lot of patience and
dedication to perceive where the other person is `coming
from,' what is his mindset. It's not enough to feel for the
partner; but there should also be freedom to open up, to be
oneself without a constant fear of being put down. That can
only happen with trust that interests are mutual; each one
has the other's best interests in mind.
Chemistry and Commitment
Obviously, the feelings have to be mutual. And for the
relationship dynamics to be healthy, the couple must be
mature and ready for the responsibilities of marriage.
You have to look forward to a meeting, to wish to spend time
with this person that has so many qualities that are musts
for you. More than having a good time, you have to feel a
certain sweetness, pleasantness and comfort in his
presence.
Further, you must feel committed, not just because it seems
promising, but because together, you can make it work.
Commitment to loyalty and giving are essentials. You have to
be willing to be by each other's side through "thick and
thin," and to want to try your best to love and help the
spouse grow, even when things may be difficult.
Gan Eden
One of the blessings given under the chuppa is that
the newlyweds be as happy with one other as Adam and Eve were
in Gan Eden. What was so special about their relationship to
be a standard for marital happiness?
They were the only humans in Paradise. All they had was each
other. They focused on what each other had to offer. There
was no comparing, measuring, imagining, etc.
May we all, together with the ones right for us, merit to
fulfill that blessing!
