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Home
and Family
Do You Remember?
by A. Ross, M.Ed
Most siblings fight or at least disagree to some extent,
during childhood. My brother and I were no exception. Now,
looking back, we cannot even remember what those fierce
fights were all about. However, we still disagree about what
happened in our youth. I might say it was mid-summer and the
sun was shining during a particular event, whereas he will be
convinced that there was deep snow on the ground. He may
remember an event quite clearly, in all its details, while I
have no recollection of it at all, and vice versa.
As soon as a child can see, and form impressions, events are
imprinted on his mind. People often say in answer to an older
child's question, "Oh, you can't possibly remember, you were
too young." Some interesting research was carried out in the
U.S. In their first week of life, newborns were given a few
drops of glucose. In one group, the drops were preceded by
soft gently strokes on the baby's forehead. The control group
received just the glucose, without the accompanying petting.
After some days, the first group of babies was petted in the
usual way, without receiving any drops. Each baby showed his
disappointment vociferously! The control group did not cry as
they were stroked. This is a form of memory which is purely
physical; animals can be trained in the same way, but it does
show that memory is there from birth.
During the first five years of his development, the child is
gathering information and experiences, which are accompanied
by various impressions. He will not always be able to draw on
this memory, especially if it was an unpleasant experience,
but it will be in his subconscious. Frequently, it happens
that an older child tells of an experience from when he was
two years old or even less, which he could not possibly
remember. Someone must have told him about it. On the other
hand, if a child is really articulate at the age of two, then
his thought processes are more sophisticated. If he has
sufficient vocabulary to speak about the event at the age
when it occurs, then he may well remember it.
It is important to give an honest reply to children's
questions. They need the answers to complete their
impressions. Short, simple answers are sufficient for small
children. A small boy used to visit an old lady regularly.
After she died, he went to visit the unmarried children who
lived in the house, and was extremely upset that she had gone
to Heaven without her chair. The following week, the chair
was gone and this four-year-old did not ask where it was.
Years later, he told me that he just assumed that they had
sent it to her and she was sitting on it in
Shomayim.
Children listen to everything the omnipotent adults around
them say, and absorb it all. If Mummy says she is short of
money, or can't afford a particular item, a small child could
worry for months about whether there is enough money for food
Even flippant remarks which mean nothing at all, will be
thrown back at the speaker weeks later. "But you said that."
There are true stories of children whose parents were highly
embarrassed when their remarks were repeated. Like the little
girl who opened the door to an unloved aunt and said, "Daddy
will be so happy to see you. Last time you came he said it
was all he needed, that Aunty Yente should visit." Some
children acquire a terrible fear of Purim. The masks unnerve
some children and the frightening unpleasant memory remains
with them for years. In fact, some phobias evolve from
unpleasant memories. A woman I know has a deep rooted fear of
fireworks, which stems from the memory of a firework
exploding under a child's pram when she herself was a small
girl. If you know that a child is going to have an unpleasant
experience, tell him about it beforehand. There is no point
in saying that a visit to the dentist won't hurt, if you know
that the child needs treatment. Explain that it might hurt
but not for too long and that you will stand there all the
time to hold his hand. Without this, if a child has been told
that it won't hurt, first of all, he will lose faith in his
mother, secondly, he may develop an unhealthy fear of the
dentist.
There are unavoidable events for which we cannot prepare the
child, and then it depends on the way we handle it, how they
will remain in the child's mind. If we force ourselves to
react calmly, it might not even become a memorable event, for
instance, if a dog jumps up playfully while you are in the
park. You may be petrified of dogs, yourself, but if you want
to prevent the phobia from passing on to your children, say
calmly that the dog is only playing. No harm will come to any
of you and it won't become a memorable event. (I can almost
hear readers' protests!) The aforementioned brother does not
remember how he used to approach the two dogs on the farm
where we lived, with his teeth chattering, determined to
overcome his fear. We still remember the dogs' names but one
sibling says they were large dogs, and the other says they
were small scotch terriers!
In the 'olden days,' when many women had their babies at
home, a man smelt some Dettol disinfectant. He remarked
instinctively 'it smells of new babies'. There are literally
hundreds of smells which conjure up memories, pleasant or
otherwise. Tunes will also bring back very early memories.
Facial expressions with all the nuances will remind adults or
older children of earlier events.
Parents always have to be careful in what they say or do not
say, and because they are `writing on fresh paper,' it leaves
an indelible imprint. One thing is sureċif you say something
wrong, or something which you later regret, the child will
remember it forever. Teachers have found that out to their
cost. It is very difficult to 'unteach' a wrong fact.
Rabbi Elisha Ben Abuya likens one who teaches a child, to
someone writing in ink on a fresh sheet of paper. Everything
is an experience and a source of wonder to the child and is
filed in his memory. "Who wanted to put me in the bin, in our
holiday house?" asked a six year old. The mother was
mystified and wondered what had happened in the summer. It
seems that there had been a notice on the beach 'refuse to be
put into the bins provided'. The child had been contemplating
the idea for months till he asked for an explanation.
Children's minds are not so preoccupied with extraneous tasks
and worries. They have time to wonder and ponder, which is a
reason why they remember trivial events more easily. They do
not always react immediately, but everything is retained.
The Chofetz Chaim relates the story of an elderly man who
describes the visit of the Russian Czar in every detail.
Seventy years later, the oldster recalled the coachman's
uniform, his rosy cheeks, what the Czar himself wore, and all
the minutiae of the horse-drawn carriage. Yet if you ask him
now what a particular person whom he just met wore, he will
answer that he didn't notice. It was not important to him.
Rabbi Yehoshua's mother put his cradle into the Beis Midrash
so that the infant would imbibe words of Torah. Some people
are blessed with a good memory, others have to cultivate it.
We are told about Rebbi Elozor, whose memory was like a
cement cistern, that he cultivated it, trained it never to
forget a word of the Torah he learned.
Help your children remember the right things, doubly so if
they are born with a retentive memory.
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