Only half a century ago, a family with seven children was
blessed indeed. In those days, seven children was termed a
large family. Before the war, there were very few large
families! A few decades before that, in Hungary and Poland,
women did give birth to many children, but quite a
significant percentage died in infancy, and many succumbed to
various illnesses as they grew up. Although antibiotics were
discovered before World War II, they did not come into
widespread use till about ten years later. The writer knows
the history of several families at the turn of the century
who produced numerous children: one had fourteen, but only
four survived to adulthood.
Nowadays, families with ten children and more are the norm,
rather than the exception. Who are the mothers of these large
organizations? As we all know, some women have a perpetual
smile on their faces, while others look pale and wan, and for
them everything is a problem. All women develop and gain
experience as their family grows. They become doctors,
counsellors, diplomats, teachers, cooks, laundresses and
cleaners, to mention some of their tasks.
Many thrive on the fact that they are head of this
institution. Their home runs like clockwork (most of the
time), the children work as a team (again, most of the time)
and this mother obviously enjoys her life and her family.
Even if the smile is not quite perpetual in the home, she
gives the impression of always being content.
What about the woman who cannot quite cope? She is not
organized well enough and each additional child is perhaps an
extra burden. Not that she would ever articulate her
thoughts, but children are sensitive people, and know full
well whether mother is exulting over the addition of the new
baby, or slightly bewailing it.
All women know that their work is never done, but this woman
constantly feels that she is not doing the job properly. She
is one who cannot go to bed when there are still a few dishes
in the sink; her day will start wrong if she gets up to an
untidy house. Some, with a more thoughtful temperament,
naturally take everything more seriously. Not everyone has
the sheer physical strength to cope with the hundreds of
endless tasks. Nor has everyone the organizational skills
required for this insitution. If these problems are
intensified due to a chronic shortage of money, she might
really feel that life is hard.
First and foremost, a large number of children is the
greatest gift a woman can have. It is a matter for
jubilation and rejoicing every time there is an addition.
However, one needs strength to enjoy happienss, too. Not all
women have boundless strength and energy. There are those who
need help to enjoy their gift. They need outside help and a
supportive husband. They have to learn how to ask for help,
and they also have to learn how to accept help graciously,
which is a skill in itself.
All you mothers who enjoy your families wholeheartedly, if
you know of a neighbor who is obviously not coping, do not
look down on her. Take one or two of the children off her
hands for an hour or two, send in a kugel or a cake on a
regular basis. If you are aware of the fact that they are
literally short of food, feed the children while they are
with you. If possible, do not let her feel beholden to you;
that might neutralize the kindness! You never know when you
will have to be on the receiving end!
*
Miri insisted on coming straight home from the hospital where
she had given birth to her eleventh child. "All the children
are at home? Have you nowhere to leave them? Why do you not
go for convalescence? Are you having any help? You wait,
you'll be sorry in a few weeks time." All this and more from
well-meaning friends and the hospital staff.
Miri had enjoyed coming home each year with her new baby, and
knew her own strengths and weaknesses. She knew what help she
needed, and also knew that she felt most comfortable in her
own home, own bed, and with her ten, no eleven, treasures.
This Miri was a veritable powerhouse of energy. Admired by
all, envied by many who said that not everyone had so much
strength and could get by with so little sleep.
Unfortunately, this time things did not go so smoothly. For
some inexplicable reason, Miri was not her usual placid self.
She frequently burst into tears, her mood swings were
uncontrollable and she was extaordinarily tired. Her husband
was distraught and helpless.
He had never seen his `omnipotent' wife unable to cope. Miri
was intelligent enough to seek advice. Her doctor was not in
the least alarmed. He told her that she was a normal woman
who had just given birth to a new baby. On previous
occasions, she had managed on enormous amounts of adrenalin
and had been blessed with superhuman strength without
suffering any side effects of the normal hormonal changes
which all women experience after birth.
With advice and treatment, Miri recovered fairly quickly, and
the house resumed its normal routine and tranquility. But
Miri was never the same again. She now understood her weaker
friends, and also agreed that it was not "all in the mind,"
as she had been fond of repeating.
She agrees with young mothers that they might be feeling weak
or depressed. Nevertheless, she encourages them to try to do
a little... just a little more each day and they will be
given the extra strength. She learnt that crying does not
have to be uncontrollable. A little weep, perhaps, but then
remember to delight in your wonderful new present.
In the end, most mothers are happy with their large families,
even if they do not always manage to show it. Even if there
are a few very difficult years, they pass all too quickly and
you will look back and say it was well worth the trouble!
[We recommend the organization, NITZA, a support group for
women with postpartum difficulties.]
