Parenting counselor, author of dozens of books for adults and
children
Private conversations between parents and their children are
of paramount importance in family life. Private talks bring
the two sides closer. They help the child understand that his
mother truly loves him and that his father really cares,
since they bother to take out time to hear what he has to
say.
There are children who simply cannot keep quiet and they
just go on talking and talking. As soon as they walk in
through the door, they open their mouth and every detail of
everything that happened to them that day comes flowing out.
Every lesson, every event, every conversation with their
friends will be related verbatim, as it happened, until
someone stops them. On the other hand, there are children who
will not let a peep out even if someone prods them. They keep
everything to themselves and all the questions in the world
won't help to make them talk.
Private talks with children are very important and helpful.
When talking privately to a child, a parent can get much more
insight into the child's feelings than may appear at first.
The story he tells is only a vehicle for the information the
child is communicating to us. By listening to the child
describe what went on in class, the parent can learn about
his social standing, the type of relationship he has with his
classmates; how he behaves in class and how he relates to his
teachers. Sometimes, even a small casual remark will reveal
to us more than all the descriptons.
But as important as the private talk is, it must have its
limits. A child who loves to talk must know that he can't go
on telling his stories forever, and therefore, the parent has
to set limits: "I enjoy listening to you but right now I'm
busy," or "As soon as I'm free I'd love to hear what you have
to say" -- setting, perhaps, a definite time for the next
`talk session.' Children have to know that conversations with
their parents will not be at the expense of the other
obligations the parents have to deal with, nor at the expense
of private time with the other children. When the parent
explains all this clearly in advance to the child, he will be
ready to accept it wihout getting upset. It will also teach
him to use his willpower and put off gratification and not be
so dependent on others. When a parent has to stop the
conversation for some reason, he can always express his
sympathy about having to stop the child from continuing on
and on, while stressing the fact that there is no choice
since he has other obligations.
Children who don't like to talk may be reacting to the
fact that the parents usually do not have time for them, or
don't care to make time for the child. Sometimes the
parent hardly has anything to do with the child. The mother
or father is busy working and the child is busy learning and
they rarely have a chance to meet. The child learns to keep
eveything in. He finds friends to talk to about his
experiences and at home, he keeps his mouth shut. If and when
the parent finally finds time for a private conversation, the
child who is so used to keeping quiet has no idea how to
express himself to the parent and tell him what's on his
mind.
Some children who refuse to talk are actually playing it
safe. They learned early on in life that telling leads to
criticism and ridicule. Suppose a child tells his mother that
during recess he and his friends ran around in the schoolyard
and had loads of fun jumping into a big puddle. All of a
sudden, his mother stops him with an admonition, "What? You
jumped into the puddle? What are you -- little kids? How
silly can you get?" All this is said in a deriding tone of
voice.
Or, if she reproves him, "Don't ever do that again! You could
have caught a cold!" the child will understand that the
interesting tale of how he jumped into the puddle with his
friends is just not meant for Mom's delicate ears, since
under the best of circumstances she'll speak only about colds
and such, and in the worst case, she'll be totally critical
of him.
Another reason why children won't talk to their parents is
that they are afraid the parent will tell it over to someone
else. Some children are afraid of their siblings'
reaction or of the other parent's response. They like to keep
things to themselves and perhaps tell only one other person,
since they don't want the whole world to know about their
private experiences or feelings. Through private, meaningful
conversations, the parent will be able to tell how sensitive
the child is.
There are also different personality types. Some children
are naturally introverted and others are too shy and
embarrassed to tell about things that happened to them.
There are modest children who don't like to show off about
what they accomplish. Active children often don't like to
talk and are not interested in private conversations; they
would rather run around. But if we understand how important
these talks are with our child and how much they can
contribute to all concerned, then we'll put more effort into
developing a personal relationship with him.
It is important to prod and encourage the child into
talking to us. But when we nudge him with endless questions,
we are only pushing him away from us. Children can't stand
this type of question: "What's new? How was it? Why aren't
you talking?" Insistent and overgeneral queries annoy the
child. In order to help him think and remember what happened
and in order to help him express himself, we can ask him more
explicit questions, like, "How was the exam? Is your friend
Chaim feeling better already? What game did you play during
recess?"
Children aren't always interested in conversing.
Sometimes our child just wants a quiet moment to himself. We
have to respect his wishes and accept his refusal. Parents
have to know how to talk to the child, and at the same time,
to listen and to keep quiet. Sometimes just when we don't
ask, when we don't demand or prod but are in a relaxed and
patient mood, our child will be encouraged to express himself
verbally and he'll feel that in his house there's someone
worth talking to.
Conversations with our child mean listening to him and
reacting to him as well. We can also try to let him in on
what we're doing and include him in some of our projects. We
can also play the game, "My dream house" and what he would
like to have in it. A person can always dream and this will
be a good way to find out more about your children.
