In the previous article in this series we addressed the
influence of punishment on the environment, whereas this
article focuses on the punished himself.
Before tackling the subject of punishment I read for the who-
knows-which time the book Sechar Veha'anosho Bechinuch
by Rav Meir Munk, principal of Toras Emes, a Bnei Brak
talmud Torah.
To tell the truth this is such an important work I should
really quote the entire book, but try as we may there is no
way to fit it in the allotted space. So I took a good look at
the table of contents, which proved quite an exhaustive work
by itself that will provide readers a taste of all the ideas
contained in the book. Where the listings do not elucidate
the matter, I have added a few words from the text itself to
provide more depth.
*
Chapter 1 -- Reward and Punishment
Without the power of tefilloh and tzedoko they
are useless.
Chapter 2 -- Before Administering Punishment One Must
Develop Fondness for the Punished
A positive relationship is a precondition for the punishment
to achieve its purpose.
Chapter 3 -- Special Tools of the Trade at the Educator's
Disposal
Encouragement and rebuke, reward and punishment, must be
balanced and integrated. Nevertheless, although punishment is
useful and necessary, the educator must be aware that the
need for it indicates weakness. Therefore one should avoid
reaching such a situation as much as possible and regret
having to make use of it. Praise and approval are always
preferable. Sometimes it is possible to achieve a state of
"punishing without a punishment," such as withholding praise
or expressing disappointment. This is effective only if the
educator normally has a pleasant countenance. Otherwise the
student will not note any difference.
The student must feel that punishment and reward are
determined exactingly and that nobody is glad to see him
punished. According to the Ramchal, anger toward the student
must appear on one's face, but not in one's heart.
Chapter 4 -- The Proper Form of Strictness
In Michtav MeEliahu Rav Dessler explains that being
"stiff-necked" is like applying pressure to a spring. The
more pressure the greater resistance. Therefore excessive
strictness brings opposite results. When strictness comes
from a likable rebbe his demands sound natural and
understandable. The idea is to create an attitude of self-
critique within the student. To give him an urge to want to
be well- behaved.
"Harshness generates harshness," writes Rav Munk in his book,
and in the classroom quarreling, tension and sinas
chinom increase. Moreover in an atmosphere of sternness,
refinement and derech eretz become the exception and
not the rule and people grow angry over nothing.
Chapter 5 -- Addressing the Sin and Not the Sinner
The student should not be punished unless he understands that
he erred. The punisher's mood has a great influence on the
punishment and can lead to inappropriate behavior by the
student (even in the absence of punishment).
This chapter discusses a highly sensitive point: rectifying
versus taking revenge. It starts with familiar scenarios such
as the silent student/child who does not respond to remarks
directed at him or to reproach. This type of behavior is
vexing and even in reference to Moshe Rabbenu the Torah says,
"vayichar leMoshe." Some respond by trying to break
the silence, even through severe means, because they perceive
it as chutzpah. Rav Munk offers various pieces of
advice on how to break the silence or cope with it in an
appropriate manner.
The author also addresses the reasons why parents and
educators punish, such as disappointment over the child's
achievement or the embarrassment the child causes his
parents, and in such cases it is not punishment but revenge.
This chapter also presents special approaches for dealing
with difficult or mischievous children, orphans and children
whose parents are divorced, and the importance of decent and
honest treatment by the educator.
Chapter 6 -- Punishing, How to Go About It
The educator must adhere to three guidelines before
punishing: a warning must precede every punishment, never
punish while angry and always be certain the child deserves
to be punished.
In this chapter the author enumerates types of punishments in
increasing order: a) commenting, b) warning, c) threatening,
d) reprimanding, e) noting the problem in writing, f) writing
a punishment, g) confiscating objects, h) forbidding
participation in simchos, i) sending the child to the
principal, j) removing the child from the classroom and
suspension, k) notifying the parents and calling them in, l)
corporal punishment. (Note how far down the list removal from
the classroom appears. Apparently many other steps can be
taken before having to make use of this painful punishment. --
C. W.)
Chapter 7 -- The Tender-Handed Approach (Yemin
Mekareves)
Contact after the punishment and dealing with the educator's
natural urge to continue treating the child strictly. The
student has the feeling he is under surveillance and had
better not get caught again.
The punisher must be aware that the source of the improper
behavior is an emotional blow that punishment cannot heal.
What does bring healing is positive treatment after the
punishment.
At the end of the last chapter the author presents several
guidelines for building a positive relationship:
a) Do not relate to the child based on your own
understanding, but based on his attitude, in keeping with his
middos. b) Everyone holds himself in high regard.
Agree with him. Give him the impression he is great and he
will love you. c) Do not try to force him unless he wants to.
d) Try to make him glad to do what you want him to do. e)
Listen to him, because he is more interested in himself than
in you. f) Do not reproach him excessively for his mistakes,
because this will only make him more stubborn. g) Acknowledge
when you're wrong ("havei modeh al ha'emes"). h)
Doctors say it is more important to understand the patient
than the illness.
*
The title of the book belies its contents, for it is actually
a guide to chinuch in general, not just reward and
punishment. It is brimming with real-life examples that can
teach us how to use reward and punishment to guide our
children/students along the right path.
