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Home
and Family
Empathy in Children
by A. Ross, M.A.
During the past few weeks, we have been made aware of Maran
HaRav Shach's great love of humanity, his selflessness and
his loving approach to people of all ages and all walks of
life. Hundreds of people think that they and their own
particular family were closer to Rav Shach zt'l than
many others. Stories and anecdotes abound about his youth and
early childhood as well. When did he acquire this empathy for
all his fellow Jews, and how can we help our children to
attain this attribute, even if not to the amazing level that
he had it, at least to a lesser degree?
Every person has some feeling for others in his genetic code,
but without nurture and education, this feeling is not likely
to develop, unless the child is one of those rare people who
are kind to others instinctively as soon as they can speak.
As with most traits, some children are born with more
potential to acquire the ability to empathize than others. It
also depends on the example they see at home. If they see
their mother doing things for them all day with pleasure and
with a smile, that is the way they will grow up, too. Just
listen to your children talking to their dolls or to their
small friends and playing make-believe, and you will hear
yourself. Furthermore, if children see their parents helping
others [especially if the family runs some kind of
gemach, no matter how small -- or avails itself of
some local gemach, not necessarily a free- loan!],
that, too, will make an impression to them. How do parents
treat the people who come to the door to solicit funds? This
has nothing to do with the amount they give; it is the way it
is given. Besides parents' example, children can be motivated
by outsiders, teachers or anyone whom they admire.
The definition of `empathy' is the power of entering into
another's personality and imaginatively experiencing his
feelings. A small child thinks only of himself, and assumes
that everyone else is also only thinking of him. The maxim
"The world was created just for me" is kept well by a
toddler. He is a totally selfish creation. Yet, on the other
hand, a baby might watch another baby crying and after a few
minutes, begin to cry in unison. Is he empathizing with the
other baby? Researchers claim that he is identifying
with this other `creature' in distress and feeling his
pain.
When the child is perhaps three or four years old, one can
see the first signs of a real urge to help others. A little
girl might see another child crying in her kindergarten
class. There is no teacher around. She will bring her one toy
after another, in an effort to comfort the child. She tried
to help the other child in the way she felt was intuitively
best, but it doesn't seem to be working. Now she stands
there, at a loss. The other child seeing this, will
tentatively pick up a teddy or doll and begin to stroke it,
whilst her crying will gradually ease off.
At this age, research has divided children into three groups.
The first group to which the child in the above example
belongs, will empathize and try to help the child who seems
to be in trouble. The second group will watch the troubled
child but will not attempt to help in any way. The third
group of children, interestingly, will either move away from
the scene, or even hit the unfortunate child to stop him from
crying. Are they copying this sort of reaction from something
they have seen?
By the age of six, a child's cognitive ability is beginning
to develop. He will know when to offer help and will often
know instinctively when a friend prefers to be left alone. In
fact, it is one of the telltale signs of a mildly autistic
child if he will stand by immobile while someone with both
hands full is trying to open a door. Normally, most children
over the age of six or seven will run to open the door
without being asked. This is social awareness without the
need for speech.
Although most children enjoy helping around the house, Mother
does not always appreciate the `help'. It is worth letting
children help (and always thanking them for it) even if the
help is not up to our standards, or even if it is no help at
all. If your young child climbs onto a chair to wash the
(unbreakable) dishes, let him. There will be a mess on the
floor, and you will probably have to do them again, but he
will get a great feeling of satisfaction [of getting the job
done and of being helpful]. The first few times a child
sweeps the floor, she may not be at all successful. Thank her
all the same [perhaps provide her with a smaller broom] and
DON'T sweep again till she is not around. When she knows how
to sweep the floor and it is actually her `job' to do it
every evening, don't forget to thank her for her help. The
child will grow up appreciating others and not taking them
for granted. Why is it that so many girls enjoy helping
others outside the house, as chessed projects, and not
even getting paid for it? It is because they are appreciated.
They are appreciated at home, too, but mothers often forget
to express it. Some mothers feel that their daughters will
have homes of their own soon enough, and that it is unfair to
expect them to help. This is a false premise. Daughters
should learn to see that mothers are also human beings and
that helping at home is just as important as school work.
Tell, or read your children stories about great men and
women, past and present, who lived their whole lives in the
service of others and of the incredible sacrifices they made
in order to help others. Most of us can never hope to measure
up to these standards, but hearing and reading about them
makes even adults who are set in their ways want to emulate
them. Sensitive idealistic children will be fired by an even
stronger ambition to be like them. [These are the future
candidates for klall work! Nurture them!]
As children are growing up, they often do not have the
sensitivity to assess a given situation. The four-year-old
has spilt a bottle of milk; the toddler has just forgotten to
go to the toilet and the results are on the floor besides the
spilt milk. Baby is screaming for a bottle while the soup
boils over. Just then your seven-year-old asks, "Mommy, can
you teach me how to tie shoe laces?" He is just not aware of
what is going on. Screaming at him will not help. Take a deep
breath and ask him if he could help you for a few minutes and
later on tonight, or maybe tomorrow, you will have time to
show him how to tie his laces. Examples like this one occur
in every household frequently. Often, a child as old as
eleven or twelve will make an unsuitable request at an
inappropirate time, and Mother believes s/he ought to know
better. Deep down, he certainly knows, but at that particular
moment, he is only thinking of himself. It takes a lifetime
to perfect middos.
Parents are most likely to get irritated by personality
traits in their children which they recognize to be similar
to their own. They have tried to improve their middos
through the years and now see them in a child in their
`unimproved' state. Have patience, remember that example is
the best teacher and, hopefully, our children will grow up to
be caring people spending their lives doing
chessed.
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