We all agree that chutzpa is rampant today. Teachers as well
as parents express concern over this phenomenon. I'm not sure
how true this is or whether it's more publicized today than
ever before, but what is clear is that parents often give up
on children who are full of chutzpa. They claim that "We gave
him everything; we tried everything. What can we do with this
little `brat'?"
1. Let the child express his feelings in a positive
way.
Often, we mix up two different things -- real chutzpa and
verbal expressions of feelings. A child who voices his
opinion and disagrees with what we say or with certain rules
we set in the house is not necessarily a chutzpanik. He might
be an extroverted child who is set on expressing his feeling
openly, while we might be quick to judge him and pin that
label on him. In this way, we can really cause him to be one,
if we're not careful in our appraisal. However, by making a
distinction between real chutzpa and outward expression of
feelings, we can avoid many confrontations with our
children.
We can let him understand that what he is expressing or doing
is fine, but that he should choose his words more carefully.
An open child is a positive child who doesn't bottle things
inside. But it IS up to us to temper his outbursts. As soon
as we distinguish between the two, we will discover that most
of our children's chutzpa disappears and that it is almost
non-existent, since we took away the derogatory label. We'll
be able to manage better with the leftover chutzpa. How?
We'll explain to the child that he, himself, is not a
chutzpanik, even if certain words and phrases escaped from
his mouth, but that these expressions are not allowed. They
do not befit him! Once the child does not feel threatened,
and doesn't have a negative nickname, he is free to change
direction, to understand and to improve.
2. Don't let the child say anything/everything he
wants.
Children have to know that at home there is order and there
are limits. He should not be allowed to say anything that
comes to mind. It is permitted to say what one thinks so long
as it does not hurt anyone, or bother anyone, and it doesn't
disturb the atmosphere at home. This has to be strongly
emphasized and enforced completely. Just as in certain homes
there is a rule that eating takes place only in the kitchen
and brushing of teeth is done only in the bathroom, we have
to stand firm and not let certain speech, words or
expressions enter our home!
3. Don't do unto your child what you hate having done to
you.
Parents try to `neutralize' their child's chutzpa in every
way possible. The most popular way is to yell at the child
that `this is no way to talk.' Without realizing it, these
parents are doing to their child what they, themselves,
cannot abide. They are treating him without the proper
respect! Afterwards, when the children assimilate this
behavior, they relate to the parents in the same way. They
yell and give orders and sometimes add unacceptable words and
expressions.
4. Empahsize the child's positive speech.
In order for children to learn to speak nicely and properly,
it is not enough to teach them what is forbidden. We must
stress what is allowed and teach them how to speak at home.
For this reason, it is very important to catch them in their
good moments. "I heard you tell your little brother to put
away his things. You spoke so nicely to him. I'm proud of
you. You could have said it in a different way but you chose
to use nice words." If most of the day we sound like this and
don't spend our time giving mussar on how not to talk,
the child will get the message in a more positive way.
TIPS
Who says we have to talk about things only when they're
happening? Make a game of "Let's change it around." Give the
children a sentence said with chutzpa and together work out
ways to say it differently. Write down the ideas and remind
them of this with good humor, once in a while.
