If a child is not asking for anything basically necessary,
there is no reason to give in. We can let him cry to his
heart's content and not give in to extortion.
How does a child express himself before he knows how to
speak? He simply cries! At first, he cries quietly, hoping
that help is on the way, but if his cries aren't answered
after a while, he begins to cry louder and to scream. A
screaming baby is hard to ignore. Within a short time, his
anxious mother is next to him soothing and cooing. She
bundles him up in her arms and slowly, he calms down. This is
a technique every baby knows, but, of course, as a child
grows older, he changes. He learns to talk, to express
himself in words and use expression which convey feelings. At
this point, most children reduce their use of tools such as
tears and cries. There are, however, some children who not
only continue with screams, cries and threats as they grow up
(sometimes even more than before, throwing tantrums) but use
these weapons every time something goes wrong or they don't
get their way. They do this until they get what they want and
it goes from bad to worse every time their desires are
thwarted.
1. When a child cries and asks for something from his
parents, the parents should check this out. Is he just
whining or does he have a real need -- does he really need
them to do something for him or does he just egoistically
feel his parents should do that particular thing?
A hungry child who is crying and screaming because his mother
isn't feeding him is justified in his demands. But if the
child eats regular meals and is crying because he insists on
chocolate spread on his bread, he is fussing not because he
needs it, but in order to force his parents to give in to his
demands.
Should the parent have sympathy for the child every time he
throws a tantrum? Of course, not! Children will often use
tears and screams in order to influence us to give in to
their demands. And it won't stop with a piece of chocolate;
he'll just learn to cry harder next time. He'll realize that
his tears win our sympathy and he will continue using this
strategy to get what he wants.
2. If parents normally need a lot of patience, with crying
children they must be twice as strong. Sometimes they give in
to the child just because their patience runs out, either for
the child or his screams. This is how they express
themselves: "Nu, take the money already and buy yourself an
ice cream. Who has the patience for your cries?"
The child obviously has much more patience and stamina than
the parent, who can't stand all the noise and the pressure.
But the child doesn't mind and the next time, he'll be even
more demanding. Therefore, if upon investigation, we conclude
that our child is not asking for anything basically
necessary, there is no reason to surrender. We can let him
cry to his heart's content and not give in to extortion.
3. If the parent has the choice of giving in to the child or
not, the child, on the other hand, has the choice of kicking
up a fuss or accepting the parent's refusal. He has the
option of reacting in any acceptable way he chooses, and we
have the right to ignore his crying, stomping or acting upset
and not giving in to something which we feel is not
justified.
A crying child is not necessarily a bad child. There is no
reason to hit him, ridicule him or to keep him at a distance
from us. We will just have to work on ourselves to continue
loving him and relating to him with sympathy and
understanding. Perhaps, we can caress his face or hug him,
but under no circumstances should we give in to him. Like
birds always returning to the same branch, children will try
time and again to play on our heartstrings, and we must learn
to be constantly on our guard for in the end the effort will
be well worth it, since the child will learn that his cries
and screams have no effect, that there are other ways to ask
for things and that he cannot always get what he wants.
4. Let us not forget that children are different than adults.
Sometimes a request which seems silly or unnecessary to us
will be of major importance to the child. How is the parent
to know? Only by keeping open the channels of communication
(being sensitive to body language etc.) to our children can
we understand them better. And when there is true
understanding, it is easier to deal with them, to help them,
or to stand up to their demands.
TIPS
Crying may well be a real need for humans in general. It is a
way to let out all of our frustrations and disappointments
and then get back to being our own pleasant selves, for our
own benefit and the benefit of those around us.
a. A baby's cry might be good for his lungs, as the saying
goes, but it's not good for his soul. We have to investigate
and see what is bothering him and deal with the problem
accordingly. Let us remember that this is the only way he can
express his feelings and pain.
b. A child cries. We have no patience to deal with this and
we run for the chocolate. BEWARE! He may get used to it and
expect to be pampered like this every time. He may become
attuned to your signs of stress. It is not healthy to give
in!
c. Parents get angry when a child cries without stop. They
should take turns caring for him and give each other a break.
It is not his fault that he is not feeling well and he has no
other way to tell us this.
