Company's coming? You're not ready?
Heartbeat rapid? Pulse unsteady?
House a mess? You're tired and frazzled?
Don't despair! You'll leave them dazzled!
They'll say, "She manages so well!"
(And even your sheitel-macher won't tell!)
Here goes:
Yell at kids to hide the clutter,
Don't serve margarine -- just butter,
Don't rush out for something new,
Wear your faithful tried-and-true
In any shade of navy blue.
Here's how to dispose of messes,
Shoes and toys and books and dresses:
Sweep them, quick, beneath the bed,
Hide them all beneath the spread!
Put a slice of cake to toast...
Takes a second or two at most.
"Oh, she must have baked all day!"
That's what your grateful guests will say.
Just use the hints we give you here,
And you'll be voted Hostess of the Year!
MORE GOOD HINTS:
Quickly wipe bathroom fixtures and floor with rubbing
alcohol. Put in a new cake of soap, fresh tissues and towels.
This gives your bathroom that `company' look.
My goodness! They're staying over? Clear out part of a closet
and a couple of drawers for their things. (Hide your stuff
anywhere -- in the attic or the basement/miklat. You
may not find them again for a couple of months, but remember,
this is in emergency.) Put nice matching hangers in the
closet and line the drawers with gift wrap. Sheer luxury!
Last, but most important: SMILE, SMILE, SMILE!
Now, if you don't want them to stay, try these
methods:
1. Describe your famous casserole, consisting of boiled
celery, prunes, wheat germ and brewer's yeast, topped with
alfalfa sprouts. Explain that it contains everything needed
for human nutrition, and that you serve it three times a day:
for breakfast, lunch and supper.
2. Invite your neighbor's little girl, the one that always
makes such cute comments, like: "I really like your dress. It
looks just like Jolene's. She comes on Thursday to wash the
floors."
3. Last resort: Explain that your baby just loves this
record, and that you play it all day, except at nap time,
between 1 and 2. Put it on the record player and make sure
that it stops and repeats at, "And then the mouse squeaked
EEEEEeeeee, and then the mouse squeaked EEEEEeeeee, and
then..." This will surely have the desired effect...
effect... effect...
[All this is strictly in fun, of course. Anyway, who has
record players these days...
You all know that we really love guests 'cause if they've
come, it means they love us too. So enjoy them and they'll
enjoy you.]
