HOW TO TEACH POSITIVE EXPRESSION
Research shows that children who express themselves
positively are better liked by peers and adults. People
gravitate towards positive people and shy away from those who
express negativity, either verbally or nonverbally.
A child's outlook is partially learned in the home and
partially a result of temperament. Even the most negative
person can be trained to think positively, with hard work.
Parents who teach their children to think positively from a
young age will save them the hard work of overcoming a
negative outlook in the future.
FINDING THE POSITIVE
Happiness is not a function of a person's future in life, but
how he views it. Children who are taught to see and focus on
the positive are happier adults.
Opportunities to teach positive thinking are many and
varied.
Conduct a simcha search from time to time with your
whole family. This is similar to a scavenger hunt except that
participants search the house and their hearts for as many
things as they can that make them happy. Each family member
tries to generate as many things as they can find that bring
them joy. These can be physical possessions, people,
character traits in themselves and others or anything they
can think of. Culminate the simcha search with a
simcha party in which everyone shares their joy and
enjoys special treats with total amount of simcha to
encourage more thought. Ideas can be written down in a
simcha journal by the child or by a parent (if the
child is too young) or recorded on a tape recorder. Shabbos
is a nice time for each family member to discuss his sense of
gratitude to Hashem for different things in his life that
make him happy or to discuss examples of hashgocha
protis in his life.
A simcha box can be placed somewhere in the house for
family members to write out things that give them joy. It can
be opened at set times or whenever someone is feeling low.
Have each family member make a list of pick-me-ups (things
that help him dispel a negative mood) to use whenever
necessary. This can include happy music, a special dance, a
walk, or a hug from a parent. Encourage children to lift
themselves out of the doldrums with the pick-me-ups.
CHANGING NEGATIVE THOUGHTS
Draw two thought bubbles (as used in cartoons). Fill one in
with a happy smiling face and the other with a sad frowning
face. Write down a list of negative thoughts from your own
life and your child's life. For example: FOR YOURSELF:
I'll never have a clean house; nothing I make comes out
right; I look so fat. FOR YOUR CHILD: No one likes me;
I'm so stupid; I'm ugly. The above examples could be
made more positive in the following ways: for example, choose
one of your child's favorite board games or create one that
has a start and finish with spaces in between. Create two
categories: 1) a set of spaces or cards that require your
child to recall something positive in his life, or 2) a set
of cards containing negative thoughts that you create with
him. When a player chooses a negative thought card, he will
need to change it to a positive thought. Taking the above
examples, they may be changed to read: I can work on being
cleaner. I bake good cakes; I'll lose weight; I have some
friends; I'm good in limudei kodesh -- or -- I have
nice hair.
Negative thoughts can be changed with a focus on partial
success, constructive solutions and realistic evaluation of
facts. Negative thoughts usually contain an element of all-or-
nothing assessment of fact. A child may feel he is completely
stupid or has no friends. Help him see that he has some
friends and that he has strong intellectual capabilities in
certain areas. Help him to find solutions to problems instead
of doom-saying or dwelling on the problem.
A pair of `rose-colored glasses' can be kept handy to change
gloomy thoughts to more positive ones. Ask a family member
who is feeling blue to put on the specially designed rose-
colored glasses. Then ask him how he can look at things
differently. The glasses can be ordinary or any silly variety
including giant-sized Purim sunglasses. [Or the child can
make them himself from cardboard and cellophane.]
USING IMAGINATION TO TEACH POSITIVE THINKING
Children often have rich imaginations. Unfortunately, they
sometimes use their imaginations to `awfulize' difficult
situations, imagining and expecting the worst possible
outcome. The imagination is a powerful tool that can be used
to access and develop positive memories and expectations.
Relaxation and Imagination
A relaxed person is more receptive to positive messages.
Relaxation techniques are widely used together with imagery
for this reason. Exercises that utilize relaxation and
imagery are usually very enjoyable to children. Imagery can
be used to help children improve self esteem, reduce tension
and reach chosen goals. Through imagination, children are
taught to focus on positive statements and memories, and see
themselves succeeding at a chosen goal.
Basic Relaxation and Imagery
Have your child get comfortable and practice deep breathing.
Next, have him relax all the muscles in his body as he
continues to breathe deeply. Take him step by step on a
relaxing trip to a place of his choosing (to be decided
before you begin) such as a beach, pool or a beautiful
mountainside. Narrate the trip in every detail. Describe what
he might see, smell and hear, and each scene he passes. Have
him get comfortable next to the pool, ocean, or wherever he
chooses to be. At this point, you can suggest positive
messages. If he is low in self esteem, discuss his positive
character traits and his successes. Describe the good feeling
he has from realizing his successes. You may tell him how
proud you are of him or have him imagine that his father or
teacher express pride in him. If he is having school
difficulties, have him recall a time when he felt successful
in school and help him to remember how good he felt. Remind
him of other positive qualities and skills he can draw from
to imagine himself doing better in school.
These exercises should not be used unless your child is
enthusiastic and a full participant. The desire to succeed in
a given area should come from the child. Thought and
imagination are very personal and should not be invaded upon
without willful consent.
A shy child can be reminded of times when he felt strong and
accepted by friends, and reminded of his strong points.
Model of Positive Expression
Practice the exercises in this article yourself! If you find
yourself thinking negatively, show your child how to
transform negative thoughts by verbalizing your own (find
examples that you don't mind sharing with your child). A
burnt cake is a perfect opportunity to model positive coping.
Self-statements such as "I'm so frustrated but at least only
the top is burnt," or "That's upsetting, but I can always
make another cake."
The goal is not to model perfection, but to model positive
expression and the ability to cope effectively with
challenges. Use of imagery, positive self-talk and parents
who focus on the positive and model coping statements will
help a child become a happy positive child.
[Masha Wolf M.A. is available for consultation with parents
and for play therapy. 02-656-2172]