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12 Iyar 5762 - April 24, 2002 | Mordecai Plaut, director Published Weekly
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Home and Family
SPOTLIGHT ON SHIDDUCHIM

In reply to a letter some time ago, "Why aren't there any good shadchonim around?", we received the following:

I am a not-so-young woman with three sisters at home, likewise not-so-young. The subject of shidduchim is by necessity a daily topic in our home. The letter reminded me of the story of a bus driver who occasionally took his young son along on his route. When the boy repeatedly begged his father to let him drive the bus, the father duly bought him a toy steering wheel and placed him up front next to him. "Turn the wheel to the right," he would say before he made a right turn, or "Put on the brakes," and let him pretend he was making the bus stop or move.

Sometimes we're just like the little boy, certain that we're running the world. If we try harder, things will go better. We all know that Hashem is running the world, and yet, we deceive ourselves.

I feel in the flesh that emuna is something that needs constant strengthening, especially with something as delicate as shidduchim, for those of us who rely a bit on shadchonim and a bit on relatives and friends and are continually being disappointed.

We had an interesting story. An excellent match came our way and we were very enthusiastic about it. The other side was also willing and eager. What went wrong? We could not see eye to eye on finances and the shidduch went down the drain. One of our relatives was very disappointed and decided to promote the matter. According to the letter you printed, what could be better? He interceded: veiling the exact terms on the one side, feathering the sum for the other, he got the two sets of parents to actually agree to meet.

What can I tell you? It was a disaster. The gap was far too wide to be bridged, or rather, the bridge was too narrow to hold both sides...

We resigned ourselves to it, but not without stormy arguments in the home that at our age, shidduchim are not turned down because of money. But it was too late.

Another shidduch was soon suggested and my father agreed to provide a whole apartment, much against his better judgment. We expected this shidduch to zip through but it got stalled in the middle for reasons still not clear to us...

True, there are shidduchim that are pushed almost by force to their conclusion but do they always end up happily? In my opinion, things can sail smoothly even without pressure from all sides. Does Hashem lack messengers and ways to see things through to a happy conclusion?

The letter stated that "there are plenty of good boys, and no lack of good girls. What there isn't enough of is good shadchonim to see things through." In my opinion, this is not a proper approach or attitude.

We must hope that we have the wisdom to know what is truly the right way of promoting a shidduch. I heard it said in the name of R' Chaim Kanievsky shlita that hishtadlus (effort) in shidduchim is ONLY through prayer!

M. from the North

*

Yisroel M. from Bnei Brak, a former shadchan, has this to comment:

"Why aren't there enough good shadchonim who will see a suggestion through to a happy conclusion?" In my opinion, the fault often lies with the parents. Suggestions come their way but they don't accord them the proper attention, or the shadchonim -- their due respect. True, some shadchonim whip out long lists and will pick from them at random. But many others invest a great deal of time and effort in checking out a suitable match before proposing it.

"I went to the home of a girl of twenty-six and asked the father if he had a minute for me," a shadchan told me. "Just one minute, no more," the father replied. "I have to go somewhere." "I felt as if he were doing me a favor," my friend said, "instead of the other way round. He didn't even ask me to sit down."

Some people give the shadchan a brushoff, not realizing that he checked out many details in order to present a full picture. Instead of "It's not suitable" right off the bat, a parent can say, "It sounds good but because of this and this it isn't suitable at the moment."

I heard that in one particular Jerusalem neighborhood, the father of an elderly daughter collected information on all the older singles in his area and presented it to the local shadchonim. It is even said that he paid them a monthly stipend, whether their suggestions were good or not, since they invested much effort in their job and did not always see results. This was to encourage them to keep plugging away.

"There was one certain rabbi that I had great pleasure working with," another shadchon told me. "Whenever I made a suggestion for a shidduch, he would get back to me the very same day, and call me before I had a chance to call him. `You're doing ME a favor,' he would explain. And if any of the matches proceeded as far as a meeting, he would get back to me that very night, after the date, to give an answer regarding continuing. If it was positive, he would urge the shadchon to let the other party know so as not to keep them in suspense, even though it might make them seem too eager."

In short, if parents treated shadchonim as they should, they would have an easier time all around.

 

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