In reply to a letter some time ago, "Why aren't there any
good shadchonim around?", we received the following:
I am a not-so-young woman with three sisters at home,
likewise not-so-young. The subject of shidduchim is by
necessity a daily topic in our home. The letter reminded me
of the story of a bus driver who occasionally took his young
son along on his route. When the boy repeatedly begged his
father to let him drive the bus, the father duly bought him a
toy steering wheel and placed him up front next to him. "Turn
the wheel to the right," he would say before he made a right
turn, or "Put on the brakes," and let him pretend he was
making the bus stop or move.
Sometimes we're just like the little boy, certain that we're
running the world. If we try harder, things will go better.
We all know that Hashem is running the world, and yet,
we deceive ourselves.
I feel in the flesh that emuna is something that needs
constant strengthening, especially with something as delicate
as shidduchim, for those of us who rely a bit on shadchonim
and a bit on relatives and friends and are continually being
disappointed.
We had an interesting story. An excellent match came our way
and we were very enthusiastic about it. The other side was
also willing and eager. What went wrong? We could not see eye
to eye on finances and the shidduch went down the drain. One
of our relatives was very disappointed and decided to promote
the matter. According to the letter you printed, what could
be better? He interceded: veiling the exact terms on the one
side, feathering the sum for the other, he got the two sets
of parents to actually agree to meet.
What can I tell you? It was a disaster. The gap was far too
wide to be bridged, or rather, the bridge was too narrow to
hold both sides...
We resigned ourselves to it, but not without stormy arguments
in the home that at our age, shidduchim are not turned down
because of money. But it was too late.
Another shidduch was soon suggested and my father agreed to
provide a whole apartment, much against his better judgment.
We expected this shidduch to zip through but it got stalled
in the middle for reasons still not clear to us...
True, there are shidduchim that are pushed almost by force to
their conclusion but do they always end up happily? In my
opinion, things can sail smoothly even without pressure from
all sides. Does Hashem lack messengers and ways to see things
through to a happy conclusion?
The letter stated that "there are plenty of good boys, and no
lack of good girls. What there isn't enough of is good
shadchonim to see things through." In my opinion, this is not
a proper approach or attitude.
We must hope that we have the wisdom to know what is truly
the right way of promoting a shidduch. I heard it said in the
name of R' Chaim Kanievsky shlita that
hishtadlus (effort) in shidduchim is ONLY through
prayer!
M. from the North
*
Yisroel M. from Bnei Brak, a former shadchan, has this to
comment:
"Why aren't there enough good shadchonim who will see a
suggestion through to a happy conclusion?" In my opinion, the
fault often lies with the parents. Suggestions come their way
but they don't accord them the proper attention, or the
shadchonim -- their due respect. True, some shadchonim whip
out long lists and will pick from them at random. But many
others invest a great deal of time and effort in checking out
a suitable match before proposing it.
"I went to the home of a girl of twenty-six and asked the
father if he had a minute for me," a shadchan told me. "Just
one minute, no more," the father replied. "I have to go
somewhere." "I felt as if he were doing me a favor," my
friend said, "instead of the other way round. He didn't even
ask me to sit down."
Some people give the shadchan a brushoff, not realizing that
he checked out many details in order to present a full
picture. Instead of "It's not suitable" right off the bat, a
parent can say, "It sounds good but because of this and this
it isn't suitable at the moment."
I heard that in one particular Jerusalem neighborhood, the
father of an elderly daughter collected information on all
the older singles in his area and presented it to the local
shadchonim. It is even said that he paid them a monthly
stipend, whether their suggestions were good or not, since
they invested much effort in their job and did not always see
results. This was to encourage them to keep plugging away.
"There was one certain rabbi that I had great pleasure
working with," another shadchon told me. "Whenever I made a
suggestion for a shidduch, he would get back to me the very
same day, and call me before I had a chance to call him.
`You're doing ME a favor,' he would explain. And if any of
the matches proceeded as far as a meeting, he would get back
to me that very night, after the date, to give an answer
regarding continuing. If it was positive, he would urge the
shadchon to let the other party know so as not to keep them
in suspense, even though it might make them seem too
eager."
In short, if parents treated shadchonim as they should, they
would have an easier time all around.
