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Home
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Jealousy
by A. Ross, M.Ed.
Jealousy is a trait with which we are born. Like all other
middos, it is more pronounced in some people than in
others. We can use this trait as a tool to improve ourselves
or we can endeavor to weaken it. King Shlomo says in Shir
Hashirim, "Jealousy is as hard as the grave" (8:6). And
in Mishlei, "Envy rots the bones" (14:30). Then years
later, R' Elozor haKappor (Pirkei Ovos 4:28) said,
"Envy, greed and lust for glory remove a person from the
world."
Cain was jealous of Hevel. Korach was jealous of his cousin
Elzofon. It is a basic force which appears from infancy. If a
child does not learn to control and subdue it, he will be its
slave for ever. It will remove him from this world, i.e., it
will be with him until he leaves this world. How can we help
our children to overcome these negative feelings, and what
might we be doing wrong which could, chas vesholom,
foster even more feelings of envy?
In every family there are some children who seem to be more
gifted and successful than others. There are some fortunate
individuals who succeed in whatever they do. To begin with,
they have chein, an innate charm or charisma. When a
mother is out with two or three children, this child is
singled out for attention by passersby, who coo over her. In
addition, s/he is probably nice looking and when s/he starts
school, it is obvious that s/he is academically inclined. As
the child gets older, s/he achieves excellence in other
fields too, like art and music.
This child has a sibling who is just one year older. If there
is jealousy, it is often extant when siblings are of the same
sex. Nevertheless, I have seen families where the two are
good friends and exhibit mutual admiration. However, when the
less outstanding sibling is younger, parents frequently make
the mistake of comparing the two. "When he was that age, he
could already..." Later on, the child has to deal with
teacher expectations as well. A teacher might understandably
but unwisely comment on the difference between the two
children.
Two children often come home with exam results. The weaker
child got 75% whereas last time he had only achieved 45%. The
parents praise him to the skies. The other child's mark was
92% for a different exam, and the mother asks why he didn't
get 100% as he had the time before. This scenario might
encourage jealousy if it is repeated regularly. Perhaps the
mother could tell them both that she was delighted with the
achievement and only elaborate on her views later, when she
has each of them alone.
It might happen that the child who is academically weaker
than his siblings gets more time and attention from either
parent to help him with homework and studies. Some other
members of the family might resent this, although they do not
need or even want the help. I have come across a large family
where one of the boys has more than his share of this
negative trait. He has always been slightly resentful and
envious since he was a small child, always feeling neglected
and thus demanding attention. One of his brothers broke a leg
and sported a cast for weeks. The envious child was heard to
mutter, "It's not fair. He has glasses and braces on his
teeth, and now he even got a big cast." A little mild
ridicule eased the situation, but this boy has a long way to
go to learn to curb his envious nature.
One child in a family might be chronically sick. He may need
special treats or expensive food which is not available to
the rest of the family. Children will accept the situation
more readily if they are told that not even Daddy gets any of
it. The later R' Miller of Gateshead [as does R' Dessler]
stressed repeatedly that the very act of giving causes an
increase in love. Siblings cannot be blamed for thinking that
one particular child who needed so much time and attention is
more beloved. Incidentally, when there is rivalry outside the
family in school and one child is obviously jealous of your
son or daughter and lets out his feelings by bullying or
hitting, or maybe inciting others against him, it is a good
idea to persuade the sufferer to invite his tormentor to the
house and be particularly nice to him or her. The child will
obviously be reluctant to do so, but the fact that he is
giving and the other is receiving favors from someone he
wishes to emulate will foster friendship. There are several
true stories illustrating that this method really does work.
On the whole, attitudes in the family often mirror the
parents' feelings. Children are amazingly perceptive. They
know full well when Mother finds one teenager more easy to
live with than the other. Mother needs to work on her
middos, too. In many families there is a rota for
household chores. I personally do not find this system
appealing. Some children enjoy washing dishes, others detest
it. Some take a great pride in cleaning up a whole kitchen
and leaving it sparkling while others prefer to take the
little ones to the park or bathe them. Maybe a mother feels
that this is not fair. Perhaps she herself dislikes folding
or ironing laundry and feels that the one who does this
regularly is hard done by. Why not let each person choose
what they want to do?
We are told that Rochel Imeinu envied Leah's good deeds, not
the number of children she had. Looks and brains do not come
through our own efforts. We have to teach our children, and
reiterate the fact to ourselves constantly, that all gifts,
tangible or otherwise, come from our Creator. He distributes
them as He sees fit, therefore envy is futile.
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