Parents read articles and ever more articles, teachers
attend extra lectures and utilize what they have learned,
and at the end of the day they say, "Why doesn't it work for
me? I've done my best but it is not good enough. I spend the
day shouting at the children and it doesn't seem to make the
slightest difference."
Let's begin at home. First, the fight to get the children
out of bed, washed, dressed, breakfasted and ready for
school. Why must it be a fight? A mother of a seven-year-old
girl who was constantly late in my class, approached me one
day and said she was not prepared to rush her child each
morning. If I wanted her on time, I would have to deal with
it myself. Children are often prepared to obey or conform to
a teacher's rules, while they don't even hear the mother's
requests and urgings. In this case, I offered the child a
star for every day that she arrived on time and a small
prize at the end of the month if she was never late. It
worked very well. Let me hasten to add that stars work for
young children; teenagers need an alternative suited to
their needs and desires.
Then we come to tidiness. Even toddlers can be trained to
put their laundry into the hamper and to prepare the next
day's clothes for themselves. In fact, if a mother
perseveres, this training in the early years will become a
lifetime habit. It will save on frayed nerves if each child
has their underwear and socks, not to mention two shoes,
ready in the evening. It can certainly be done quite easily
if bedtime routine is begun early enough before the children
are too cranky. They can have their bedtime story after
everything (including a note for teacher if one is required)
is ready for the morning. Incidentally, once children can
read, a notice pinned outside the bathroom door is a great
help. E.g. Have I 1) Done my homework 2) Got my books ready
for school 3) Put dirty clothes in hamper 4) Got tomorrow's
clothes ready 5) Brushed my teeth 6) Asked Mommy to comb for
lice etc. When the novelty wears off, let one of the
children change the wording or add some of their own ideas,
including illustrations.
Many mothers are so tired when they awaken after maybe a
sleepless night with a teething baby, that they find it
difficult to be bright and cheerful first thing in the
morning. Especially if they have to go out to work
themselves. The evening routine all takes time, but that is
a mother's job. Once the routine is established, if one
starts when the children are very young, it becomes part of
their lives. Believe me, it really works and rushing them
out in the mornings after frantically searching for that
lost shoe and hastily scribbling a note is not conducive to
a relaxed peaceful day for parents or children.
However, there are overcrowded homes where a dozen beds come
out at night and there is absolutely no room in the bedrooms
to prepare the next day's clothes. I personally have not
lived in these conditions, but would suggest that the shoes
and everything else be put in a neat pile under the
foot of the bed (or mattress). If they are ON the bed, they
are likely to fall off and the search begins in the
morning!
Now the children are at school and inevitably, there is the
boy who has left his pencil case at home. Any teacher worth
his salt will have a small stock of pencils ready at hand
and sheets of paper for those who have left their exercise
books at home. But what about discipline? Can we just let
them get away with such carelessness?
It won't help you to shout, or threaten a visit to the Head,
or exclusion from the classroom next time. There will always
be forgetful and disorganized children, just as there are
forgetful adults! A mild rebuke, "It is much nicer when you
have your own things, isn't it?" And "When you remember to
bring your book, you won't have to copy all this stuff out
twice," will probably be far more effective.
A child who constantly scribbles on the desk -- let him
scribble on some paper or in an old exercise book. It may
disturb the teacher somewhat that the child is not being
disciplined, but there are some things we can't change.
Gone are the days when children sat in tidy, well regimented
rows in the classroom. I often wonder, were they the good
old days?
When a teacher is really well prepared, and the lessons are
interesting and geared to the age group she is teaching,
there will be less problems of discipline. In some English
schools where they still have a weekly assembly, I have
heard children say, "You don't need to listen in assembly
today. He is going to tell us..." Apparently this Head has
been giving the same assembly year after year, for that
particular week. Even if a teacher teaches the same
gemora or perek chumash year after year, s/he
has to find some new slant or idea. Otherwise, the children
(and, I dare say, the teacher) will be bored. A teacher must
have 100% of his mind on the job, and not be waiting for a
telephone call, even if it is one concerning a school
matter. There is one unusual rebbe who has been teaching the
same thing, year after year, for half a century. I listened
in on one of his exciting lessons about ten years ago. It
was as if it was the first time he was teaching it!
Now what do we do about the homework which haunts so many of
us, parents and teachers alike? Mothers ask their children
if they have any homework. Quite often, the children don't
even know! Or they will remember at bedtime. Or,
occasionally, when they are already in bed, there is this
wail, "I haven't done my homework and we have a test
tomorrow." A daily battle about the homework is a sheer
waste of time. Punishments will not motivate him, either. If
a child can't do the work, I am all for helping him. As a
parent and a teacher, I feel that often children don't know
where to begin at all. By all means, sit down and help them,
or discuss it in the kitchen in a friendly manner while you
are preparing the meal.
But what if the child frequently "forgets" to hand in
homework to the teacher? Each teacher must find his or her
own way of dealing with the problem. The really intelligent
child who just can't be bothered, will usually listen to
reason. Or the teacher might even suggest that they sit for
a short while after school "to get it over and done with,"
if the school has facilities for this. The really slow child
can't do the homework alone, anyway.
When a child comes home with a very low mark on a test, it
will not help one bit if he hears remarks like, "It is not
as if you don't know it; it is just that you do not apply
yourself. You have to change your whole approach, and decide
that you really can do the work." Or, "Don't let it get you
down; just keep trying." And, "I really am sorry. Next time
you will do better. It's not the end of the world; there
will be other tests."
If the parent listens and just nods or says, "I understand,"
or "I understand how annoying it is when you worked so hard
and knew all the answers and then get low marks because of a
few careless mistakes," it shows that you understand.
Children, like adults, do not want criticism and even well
meant advice at a time when they are down. There are,
unfortunately, weak children who cannot get more than an
average mark. It is up to the teacher to make them feel good
about themselves, and then the parent can reinforce this.
School prizes should be awarded for effort and good
middos more than for brain power, which is, after
all, a gift from Heaven.
