Part III
Shyness is a problem that affects a large percentage of the
population. With love, understanding, and a close parent-child
relationship, children can be taught to overcome many of their
anxieties.
Last week we discussed ways to help shy children.
Children as young as seven or eight can change their anxious
thoughts on paper but they will need help. You can help guide
your child by asking him, "How can you argue with your fear?
What could you tell yourself to feel better and be more able
to cope?" With time, this technique becomes natural and easy
to do.
After you have worked on self-talk with your child, you may
begin to discuss options for problem-solving. Ask your child
to give you as many solutions as he can to a given problem,
even if it is completely unrealistic. This is how children
learn to brainstorm and search for solutions. You may decide
to draw out each solution or to write them all down. Children
also love to act out the solutions. This should be done with
as much fun and creativity as possible. As the child begins to
act out or draw out his solutions, he is visualizing his
success. This gives him the confidence to actually carry out
his goal.
A child may practice newly acquired skills through drawing and
role play but this alone will not be enough to help him
overcome his anxiety. Concrete reinforcers are necessary to
help a child progress towards his chosen goal and overcome his
anxiety.
A shy child needs a lot of motivation to overcome his anxiety
and confront it in concrete ways. It is important to set very
small reachable goals, and reward the child for each step he
achieves. The smaller the steps, the easier it will be for the
child to ascend each one without having to retreat in fear.
The goal should be broken up into about six to eight steps and
each step should be completed two to three times. This helps
the child to become desensitized to the fear and to become
more confident with every step. If your goal is to have your
child ask to join in a group game, ask him under which
circumstances it would be easier to ask (as discussed in Part
I). Does it help if he knows the game?
LADDERS TO SUCCESS
Draw a ladder. Make the bottom step on the ladder something
that evokes very little aniexty. For example: let you child
ask one friend he knows if he can join his game while no one
is around. Next, let him ask one friend while the other child
is watching, then have him ask two children who are playing if
he can join in. The next time, he may call three children
together to play a game that he has in mind, then he can ask
four children to play a game he knows. Another time, he may
ask three children if he can join in a game they are playing,
and then four children, and finally, a larger group. He should
be strongly encouraged on each step on the ladder because it
is extremely difficult to overcome anxiety and incentives are
necessary. I recommend small rewards for each step on the
ladder.
The most effective way to determine how to take steps towards
the goal is to ask the child as many detailed questions as
possible about what makes the anxiety worse and what lessens
it. By understanding what reduces the anxiety you can begin
the first step on the ladder towards reaching the goal. Some
examples of step-by-step goals in shyness, with the most
difficult rungs at the top, are as follows:
SPEAKING PUBLICLY
* Answer questions in front of the whole class when unsure if
the answers are correct.
* Answer a question you don't know the answer to.
* Answer a question in front of the whole class.
* Answer a question in front of five children.
* Answer a question in front of four children.
* Answer a question in front of three children.
* Answer a question you know in front of the teacher and two
children.
* Answer a question you know in front of the teacher and one
child.
* Answer a question you don't know and answer just in front of
the teacher.
Often the steps towards the goals need to be created
artificially, but with cooperation, this can be achieved
relatively easily.
ASKING FOR HELP (Top rung of ladder being the most
difficult)
Ask the teacher to re-explain something you don't understand
in front of the whole class.
Ask the teacher to re-explain something you don't understand
in front of a few children.
Ask the teacher to explain a worksheet quietly at the
teacher's desk.
Go to the store and ask where the cereal is when the store is
full of people.
Call a neighbor and ask to use their computer.
Call a neighbor on the phone to borrow some sugar.
Ask to borrow something in person.
Ask a friend for homework on the telephone.
Older children may be reluctant to use role-play and artwork,
but self-talk work can be very helpful for them. They are old
enough to utilize the learned skills in their everyday lives.
Hopefully, adolescents who have trusting relationships with
their parents will be willing to discuss problem solving
options that can be written down. Each step in reaching a
social goal can be brainstormed and planned. For instance, an
adolescent who is embarrassed to speak with people he doesn't
know well may make a plan of activities and subjects to be
discussed with various individuals. Together, you can then
draw the ladder of steps towards the goal and have him close
his eyes and imagine doing each step. This can help him
visualize himself succeeding at the goal and also help him to
reduce his anxiety as he accustoms himself to overcome his
fears. In between each step he should practice deep breathing
and imagine something he finds pleasurable.
Shyness is a problem that affects a large percentage of the
population. With love, understanding, and a close parent-child
relationship, children can be taught to overcome many of their
anxieties. A shy child will rarely become an extreme
extrovert, but he can learn to cope and use his talents to
reach his full potential, which is often quite
considerable.
