To let the child cry it out or not. That is the question. No definitive
answer...
Part II
In 1986, the Institute for the Care of Mother and Child, in Prague,
published a report on children's sleeping patterns. They came to the
conclusion that infants vary tremendously in how long and how deeply they
sleep, how restless they are and how much they move in their sleep. They
decided that it depended on the child's personality. This study proved what
most parents already knew!
About fifty years ago in Chicago, a young physiology graduate used an EEG
(electroencephalogram) to record the impulses of the brain while his
subjects slept. He made an observation that people had regular periods of
Rapid Eye Movements (REM) throughout the night. He also found that people
who were awakened during these periods of REM sleep were far more likely to
report dreams.
Since that time, sleep has been analyzed in increasingly sophisticated
sleep laboratories. There are two main forms to sleep: orthodox and REM.
Orthodox sleep is divided into four categories, ranging from very light
sleep to the fourth stage which is a very deep sleep. The same person who
will waken at the slightest sound while in the first stage of sleep might
sleep through drawers being opened and closed and quite an amount of noise
during the fourth stage of sleep. In spite of all findings in research,
Hashem has given mothers an instinct to wake up from the deepest sleep if
their own child is distressed. Naturally, there are exceptions to the rule,
but on the whole, this instinct works.
Most people follow a regular sequence through the various phases of sleep,
about once in every 90 to 100 minutes throughout the night. Babies have a
much shorter sleep cycle of about fifty minutes, which would explain why
they are more prone to wake at night.
It has been found in these sleep laboratories that chronic insomniacs often
get as much sleep as everyone else, although they will claim that they
haven't slept a wink all night.
It seems that adults spend about 80% of their sleeping time in deep sleep,
and only 20% in light sleep; babies have a different ratio, with half their
sleeping time being light sleep. Some babies who wake up at night just turn
over and go back to sleep; others don't.
It is most frustrating when doctors, neighbors, friends and even
grandparents say that the sleepless child is the fault of the parents.
However, it is true that a parent's reaction to episodes of sleeplessness
can prolong what would perhaps have been a temporary problem. If a child
wakes up with an earache and you pick him up, take him downstairs, cuddle
him and perhaps give him a drink, he will calm down and go back to sleep
after a while. He might wake up again the next night, even if he has no
earache, and you might pick him up again. You are beginning to reinforce
his behavior. It is much more pleasant to be picked up and cuddled than to
stay alone in a dark room. By the time you realize that this has been going
on for quite a while, it is part of the child's way of life. In this case,
where parents themselves have unwittingly conditioned the sleep problem,
crying it out is probably the best cure.
The most common advice given to parents is to let them cry it out. This
works very well for some parents. For a baby who has never yet slept
through the night, this might work very well if parents' nerves can take
the strain. The first night, the baby cries for half an hour. The second
night, it may be twenty minutes and by the end of the week, the baby seems
to realize that crying is futile and he cries himself to sleep.
For the older child who has been mistakenly `conditioned' to wake up
regularly and demand attention, this method is also very effective.
However, this advice is unacceptable to many parents. They let the child
cry for half an hour or even more, and then cannot take the strain any
longer, so they pick up the child. They are right to do so, if they feel
they are being cruel. Letting a baby scream is not the only solution; there
must be other ways. Hashem has designed a baby's cry to evoke powerful
emotions in a mother and you can only follow advice which appeals to you.
A child of four wakes up at around one and wants to play for two hours. She
might even pry open Mother's eyelids with her little fingers for a story or
song in the middle of the night! Parents try everything they can and listen
to all the advice they hear from friends and relatives and naturally, also
from professionals. Nothing seems to work and they try the next thing. One
woman told me that she had never had a single night of undisturbed sleep
for over 25 years. She is now a grandmother and has seven peaceful quiet
nights a week.
There is so much controversy about being firm or not being firm at bedtime.
A child may refuse to go to bed at all, or may insist on one particular
person taking him. He may go to bed happily but scream the minute a parent
leaves the room. Some children insist on certain bedtime rituals: the door
must be open at a certain angle, or the door must be closed. The light has
to be on or off. The window must be open or closed and the same with the
curtains. These are obsessional requests and time consuming, but otherwise
really harmless, if you can summon enough patience to deal with them. In
the end, it makes for a happier secure child who will eventually grow out
of these foibles.
There is a revolutionary claim that children who sleep with their
parents are happier, more confident and develop more quickly than their
peers. Generations of children have always crept into Mommy's or Daddy's
bed and fallen asleep immediately (taking over the whole bed). Years ago,
we were told how dangerous it was to take a baby into bed and that we were
spoiling the older ones if we let them stay. Now it seems that if you can
stand the lack of space, you are doing a good thing!
Parental instinct is a wonderful thing. If you feel that you are able to
muddle through till your child gives you uninterrupted sleep, you are
probably doing all the right things.
