Part II
In Part I we explored the three different levels of shyness. We spoke
about accepting the shy child as he is and being attuned to when he needs
help.
How to Help
In order to help your shy child most efficiently, it is important to
pinpoint the problem. A shy child may tell you that no one likes him and
therefore, he plays alone. This may simply be the result of his anxiety or
poor social perception. A parent needs to know what social situations
frighten his child. Perhaps he is afraid to speak in front of large groups,
or to ask to be included in a game. [Perhaps his hearing is not up to par
and this causes shyness!] It is also important to determine which
situations reduce the child's anxiety: for example, will it help him feel
less anxious if he asks to play when a friend is part of the group? To get
an accurate picture of your child's social interactions, speak with
teachers or after school activity leaders to find out what social dynamic
is occurring with your child. Is s/he doing something which is repelling
other children? Does s/he seem to have any friends or any interaction with
the other children? Do children seem to want to play with your child or
have they given up as a result of your child's rejection of them?
Additionally, try to find opportunities to observe your child in groups of
children. Look for patterns in your interactions. Is s/he embarrassed to
play games that he is unfamiliar with or afraid to ask for a turn?
In order to fully help your shy child, it is vital to build trust between
you and him. If a child feels a strong and trusting bond with his parents,
he will be more likely to be open about his social problems. A shy child
will especially benefit from a close relationship with his parents because
it can help build his confidence, which in turn, can affect his shyness.
When parents set aside time to spend with their child and build their
relationship based on mutual interests, the child learns social
interactions that he may not learn elsewhere. Private time with the shy
child should be very accepting, nonjudgmental time in which a parent and
child enjoy each other's company by either just talking and/or cuddling, or
doing a mutually enjoyable activity. It is important for the parent to
accept the feelings that the child may bring up and not dismiss or
belittle them. If a child's feelings are belittled, he may not bring up his
feelings next time. The time that a parent invests in relationship-building
is always well spent, but with a shy child, it is a vital first step that
can build his confidence and allow him to open up and confront his social
difficulties.
Once parent and child have established "alone time" and a trusting
relationship has been built, the two may try to determine the root of the
child's social problem. This can be done in several ways. During private
time, parent and child may choose to draw together or separately. A parent
should look for themes in their child's drawings such as a child teasing or
exclusion from play with other children. Later, the parent can ask the
child gently about the picture, avoiding interrogation and over-reaction,
both of which will cause the child to shut down. When a child does confide
a difficulty to his parent, the parent should listen empathetically and ask
the child if he is willing to work on improving the problem with his
parent's help. If the child is reluctant, the parent may decide to offer
incentives such as treats during shyness work, and rewards for progress
towards a goal and to overcome anxiety.
When the parent has succeeded in identifying the source of the child's
problem, either through discussion with the child, through his artwork, in
discussions with teachers or through direction observation, it is time to
set a goal with the child. Progress towards the goal will include
theoretical work such as role-playing, discussion, artwork and
restructuring self-talk as well as tangible steps to help the child
overcome his social anxiety.
If your child's problem is fear of asking to be included in group games,
you must first determine under what circumstances this is problematic. Is
it more difficult when the child doesn't know the game or the children, or
when the game is already in progress? What would make it easier for your
child to ask: to be included in a small group?
You can begin to approach the problem with your child by drawing a picture
of your child and a group of children playing (the worse you draw, the more
relaxed your child will feel, so don't worry). Have your child discuss the
negative thoughts he may be thinking and draw them in a bubble above the
picture of himself in cartoon style. Try to elicit as much of his negative
self-talk as possible. Discuss the accuracy of his feelings without denying
them. Ask him if the other children are really thinking badly of him, or is
it partly his anxiety? Explain that when people tell themselves positive
things, it can help effect how they feel and even how others feel about
them. Draw the scene again and ask him to write in more positive self-talk.
Give some examples such as, "I can do this. I'm fun to play with. I'm a
good friend. I don't need to be scared."
The scenario might go something like this: Your child fills in his thoughts
in the thought bubble, saying, "No one likes me. They don't want me to play
with them. I don't know this game. I'll look stupid if I make a mistake and
then I'll be so embarrassed. I can't take it." After your child fills in
his negative anxious thoughts, ask him to argue with himself. Maybe his
anxious thoughts do not represent the objective reality. Ask him how he
could answer and feel more confident. A more positive response might be
something like: "Maybe they don't know I want to play. I think one girl
likes me. Maybe I can ask her. I bet I could learn the game and even if I
make a mistake I could still have fun."
Children as young as seven or eight can change their anxious thoughts on
paper, but they will need help. You can help guide your child by asking
him, "How can you argue with your fear? What could you tell yourself to
feel better and be more able to cope?" With time, this technique becomes
natural and easy to do.
[Final part next week.]
