Hardcover, 364 pages
New books on the subjects of sholom bayis and
interpersonal communciation appear every season at English
language bookstores. This year, a new entry shines in its
own right as a most refreshing and novel approach to marital
and other personal relationships.
Its secret? "What Did You Say? Making Yourself Understood
in Marriage -- A Jewish Perspective" carries the
original and creative voice of a Hebrew-speaking author.
Buoyed by twenty years of experience as a Rosh Yeshiva,
marriage counselor, prolific writer, international public
speaker, and frequent guest on radio talk shows and call-in
question and answer sessions, Rabbi Simcha Cohen published
"Habayit Hayehudi (The Jewish Home)" in 1995. The
Hebrew volume became an overnight bestseller. As one
newlywed told this reviewer: "Habayit Hayehudi" is
the bible for young couples -- it's on everybody's coffee
table!"
Now, in an attractively designed and updated English
language edition, this book is sure to become a fixture on
our coffee tables, too.
Several outstanding features give this book its universal
appeal. Its most striking quality is a penetrating
directness. As Rabbi Cohen discusses topics such as
compliments, criticism, dialogue, "making up" and giving and
receiving, he never resorts to generalizations or
stereotypes. Instead, he probes, clarifies, and explains
each issue precisely and incisively, demonstrating how
effective communication techniques can strengthen and
enhance the marital bond.
In one chapter, for example, he describes in detail the
nature of, and reasoning behind, the inborn "needs" which
Hashem implanted into men and women to help them form the
ties of marriage. He then vividly illustrates how husbands
and wives can unwittingly ignore each other's needs in
everyday interactions.
He devotes three full chapters to the subject of compliments
-- a tool so powerful that it can motivate, persuade, and
forge bonds of love and affection between spouses who may
never have realized how much they admired each other.
When the author offers an occasional case history to
illustrate a point, he prints the couple's dialogue in its
entirety. This presentation allows him to uncover the hidden
issues and unspoken needs embedded in a spouse's complaint,
and shows readers how to sift through what a person
says to find out what he or she really
means.
It is hard to read this book and not get the feeling, "He's
talking about me." Rabbi Cohen touches on emotions and
aspirations so close to the hearts of husbands and wives
that readers easily identify themselves in these pages. And
the author's clear explanations and directives make his
suggestions very `do-able' for every couple -- including
those who are dating, engaged, newlywed, and long
married.
With sparkling originality, Rabbi Cohen guides his audience
towards an acceptance of his approach. He strips many ideas
down to their familiar essence by comparing them to
experiences from everyday life (e.g. riding a bus, clocking
in at the office, attending a speech).
For example, the chapter entitled "Giving and Receiving"
opens with the everyday scenario of a customer entering a
grocery store. The readers nod along in agreement as the
author describes the familiar dynamics of the grocer-
customer relationship: how the storekeeper lets the customer
take goods off his shelves in exchange for payment, and how
the customer gives his money cheerfully because he gets
something in return.
After a page or two of this thoroughly detailed, thoroughly
common scenario, Rabbi Cohen turns the tables and casts the
marital relationship in the same light, showing the exact
same dynamics at work... But do husbands and wives follow
the same rules?
"What Did You Say?" contains rare gems of advice to
help a couple achieve their ultimate goal: making their home
a permanent dwelling for the Shechina. By practicing one of
his suggestions for two weeks, the author claims, spouses
can not only ensure the success of their own marriage --
they can ensure that their children's marriages will be
successful, too!
Rabbi Cohen's entire approach is firmly based on the
teachings of Chazal and modern day gedolim. He does
more than quote the sources. As he explains, elaborates on,
and embellishes their words, readers will gain a richer
understanding and appreciation of many well known sayings.
This book earned the haskomos and blessings of Rabbi
Shlomo Wolbe shlita, and Rabbi Shmuel Kaminetsky
shlita.
A welcome addition to every English speaking home,
indeed.
