How would we want others to react when we tell them about
something that hurts us, how someone insulted us, or how
disappointed we were concerning an important matter? It's
easier to say how we wouldn't want people to react, but we
can also try to pinpoint how we would like others to
respond. In order to better understand our children, our
reaction towards our children's feelings should be based on
the response we would like to experience in similar
circumstances.
1. Don't judge the child's behavior
When a child comes and tells us how terribly afraid he was
when he saw a strange man in the street, he surely expects
us to listen. He certainly doesn't want us to cut him off
with a blunt, "That's silly! There's nothing to be afraid of
on our street." Or, "So why didn't you run home right away?
I told you not to go there!"
When we give the child these kind of answers, we deny the
legitimacy of his feelings. Every person has the right to
feel as he does. A sharp word, or simple statement will not
cancel out or negate these feelings. When we ask a child,
"Why didn't you run away?" we are offering rebuke. Instead
of listening as parents, we are judging the legitimacy of
his feelings.
2. Listen to what the child tells you
Our child came home safely. All he wants to do is to tell us
what is on his mind, to share his feelings with us. He just
wants us to listen. No criticism and no counseling, no
advice, opinion or meddling. If there is something we want
to say about what happened or if we want to give him advice
on how to protect himself from strange people, it is better
to do it at a different time and not at the moment when he
is feeling afraid and needs to talk about it to get it off
his chest.
The more we allow our children to express their feelings,
the less pressured and the more open they will be.
Even when the child's perspective is completely different
than ours, or seems surprising, strange or incomprehensible,
we will have to accept it because this is his way of seeing
things. Reactions such as: Don't be afraid! Don't pay
attention! Why did you do this? are all logical
arguments to convince the mind, but in the meanwhile, the
child is trying to get things off his chest, and is in need
of sympathy. He wants the kind of sympathy which will show
him that we understood, as if by listening we were saying:
Yes, I understand your feelings and I accept them.
(We can also say this in so many words.) Of course, this
does not mean that we agree with his way of thinking or with
other things he might have said.
3. Understanding the child
Children of all ages, as well as adults, are sensitive, feel
afraid, become discouraged or confused. This doesn't
indicate personality problems, but just the opposite:
normalcy (unless the problem is extreme or long- lasting).
If we let the child understand that fears are normal, that
his confusion is acceptable, he will feel that it is
legitimate to feel as he does and the very fact that he
knows that he is allowed to cry, or feel a certain way, will
help him get over these feelings.
Encouraging words, "You're right, it's really very
difficult" or "I understand that this gets you really
upset," coupled with friendly facial expressions and
positive body language will get the message across and
really help them feel better. These words proclaim: "I'm
with you! I understand you! I think your feelings are
legitimate."
4. Setting aside time to listen
It takes a lot of patience to listen and tune in to the
feelings of every child, but it is worth it. This is an
ongoing project that cannot be cast aside. However, a busy
parent cannot be constantly available to listen to his
children. Even a parent who is not busy does not have to be
a slave to his children's requests for attention. There must
be clear-cut lines. A child has to know that there are times
when he can tell us things and we can listen to him, and
there are other times when we are busy, or tired, and cannot
pay attention. [Mealtime or bedtime are good, steady
appointments-in-time.]
A child must know that we are available only when this is
possible for us, since if every child wanted our attention
at every moment, we would never be able to accomplish
anything during the day, or listen to him and his siblings
with full concentration. Using our intuition, we have to
decide what is most important at the moment, or less, what
can be postponed and what cannot; which child develops a
greater dependency on us when we listen, and which child
talks more to the point.
A parent cannot be available at every moment, but with a
good word, a smile, and an understanding attitude, the
golden mean can be found so that we can listen correctly and
understand the child's feelings.
Tips:
Never ignore a child who is in pain. Every complaint must be
examined, but without excitement, otherwise he might
complain every day about another pain. Emotional pain is
not any easier to bear than physical pain -- let us remember
that!
