Part One
My son is very shy. When he's around people he
doesn't know well, he won't speak at all. I'm very
worried about his future. How can I help him?
Shyness is a problem that affects a large part of the
population. If you have a shy child, you are not alone.
There are many things that you can do to help your shy
child.
The first and possibly the most important thing to do is
to learn to accept your child as he is and to
understand him. Many shy children are introverts and
introversion is not a bad trait at all, simply a
personality type. Introverts often prefer to be alone or
with small groups of close friends. They will often have
one or two very close lasting friendships rather than
many superficial ones. While extroverts may feel
energized by being wtih people, introverts feel drained
by too much socialization and need to be alone or need
down time to recover. The exhaustion introverts feel in
social situations may be a result of their social
anxiety or it may be the effort they expend when they
act against their natural tendency to want to be alone
and quiet. There are many positive traits that often go
along with being introverted. Introverts tend to be deep
thinkers and are often sensitive and loyal friends.
Shy children tend to be more anxious around others than
outgoing children. Although many factors may affect
shyness, research seems to indicate it is an inborn
trait, which is actually affected by a part of the brain
called the amygdale. This can explain why very outgoing
parents may have extremely shy children. Parents who are
extroverted need to learn to accept the fact that their
child is not like them but that he has unique traits
that make him a very valuable person even if he is very
shy.
Introverted parents need to recognize that their child
is NOT them, and that their child may be comfortable
with things the parent was not comfortable with and
anxious about things the parent was not anxious about.
Both kinds of parents need to control their anxiety
about their child's future and their desire to pressure
him to change. Pressure and pushing will not help and is
usually harmful. A parent who scares his child and
belittles his fears by telling him, "Just go and
speak to the person," will make him feel that his
anxiety is very real and it needs to be accepted and
understood before it can be changed. Later, we will
discuss interventions which can help the shy child to
function better in his world.
Recognizing the Shy Child
A shy child has some typical behaviors that identify
him. He may tend to avoid eye contact, avoid stressful
situations, have temper tantrums, be closed, not talk in
class, have red cheeks, sweaty palms, dry mouth or
stomach aches, and he may feel that no one likes him
even if this is not the case. A shy child can have all
or just a few of these symptoms/behaviors.
Dr. Ward Swallow, author of The Shy Child,
recommends assessing the degree of shyness by using his
Shyness Spectrum. I have adapted the questionaire and
included it below.
Is your child uncomfortable with other children? Does
he fear new situations or people and avoid activities
that would bring him in contact with unfamiliar people?
Does he experience anxiety when speaking in front of a
group? Does he: misjudge how others view him; refuse to
separate from family; prefer to play alone; show
physical signs of anxiety in new social situations;
worry excessively about upcoming events or
activities?
Does he: freeze in normal social situations; need
recovery time; over-react with feelings of shame or low
self worth after social interactions; depend on others
to communicate his needs and wants? Does anxiety
interfere with school work?
Although children can be more or less shy at different
stages of their lives, this questionnaire may help a
parent to decide how much help a child needs and how to
give it to him. Swallow describes three types of
children on the Shyness Spectrum: the moderately shy
child, the strongly shy child and the severely shy
child.
The moderately shy child may be quiet and may
need more time alone but does have a few good friends.
He may become anxious in social situations but the
shyness does not interfere drastically with the child's
performance in life. On the Shyness Spectrum, he may
exhibit some of the behaviors on the questionnaire but
not all of them and not all the time.
The strongly shy child may avoid many stressful
situations that are necessary in normal social
functioning. For a strongly shy child, shyness
interferes with his life and functioning in society.
The severely shy child may display anxiety that
is very severe. The anxiety may have progressed to a
disorder such as social phobia, panic disorder and
selective mutism (a child who speaks only with selected
individuals -- usually the immediate family -- and does
not speak otherwise) or clinical depression. The
severity is usually quite obvious due to the child's
almost complete inability to function in a given social
situation. He may display complete reluctance to speak
to people he is not fully comfortable with or he may
refuse to leave family members to go to school. A child
who is severely shy according to the above criteria
should have professional help.
Children who are either moderately shy or strongly shy
can be helped to live happier lives and made to feel
better adjusted with the framework of their shyness with
the help and support of their parents. Hopefully, with a
bit of work and love, some of the techniques in this
article can help a parent help his or her shy child.
Shy children are naturally anxious in social situations
and may tend to perceive social situations poorly as a
result of their anxiety. They also experience a
heightened degree of critical self-talk, which further
reduces their self confidence. Self-talk is an ongoing
sub- or semi-conscious dialogue that takes place in the
mind. If one pays attention, it is usally quite easy to
tune into self-talk. Even young children can be taught
to listen to their self-talk with the proper guidance.
Self-talk is a very important component in shyness work
because it can be controlled with time and can help
guide a child in overcoming significant hurdles in his
anxiety by helping him view himself more positively.
NEXT WEEK: Shyness: How to Help
