The first basic rule in communication: Listening.
Understanding the world of the child is acquired through
listening; this is the basis for a positive bond between him
and the parents and this, in turn, enables the parents to
educate their child and have him accept their guidance and
guide rules and to execute them in the manner which will
satisfy them.
If we examine ourselves and our conduct, we will find that
all too often, when children speak, we wait impatiently for
them to finish so that we, his parents, can have our say.
Sometimes we don't even have the patience to wait, and we
interrupt him in the middle.
Even if we are polite enough to let him finish, we find that
at the very moment a child stops talking, we already have our
answers pat. And all the while we are waiting for him to
finish, we are busy formulating those answers in our minds
and how best to impose our opinions upon him. Even in our
silences, we often do not hear what the child is saying. And
since he senses that we are not listening, he will not listen
to us, either. The result: broken communication. A child who
grows up with listening parents, will become a listener.
How can we train ourselves to listen, even artificially? We
must make a conscious effort and work upon ourselves not to
react immediately, even if the subject is familiar to us and
we have excellent answers or brilliant comments. If we put
this advice to practice, we will note some interesting
results. A person who feels impelled to answer right away,
thinks of what to say and how, while hearing, and cannot
absorb what is being said. He will only catch a few key words
while preparing his reply.
Another reason for not answering right away. Parents complain
about children who are `closed,' incommunicative. `Opening
up' a child is a process which begins with a child talking,
and his emotions finding their expression slowly but
progressively. If he is calm and at ease, he will continue to
talk, but if he is interrupted, he will close up immediately
and who knows when the opportunity will again arise when he
feels comfortable enough to bare his soul. He will feel he
was misunderstood, and will retreat into his shell.
For example: a child says he is sad. We explain that he has
no reason to be sad, at which he will feel we didn't
understand, and he will give up trying to express his
emotions. We may tell him it is foolish to be sad over such
petty things, but we are adults, and see things differently,
besides which we are downplaying his feelings, which are very
real. We must look at him as he talks, note his expressions
and his tone of voice, to see how deeply he is affected by
what he is telling us. And our facial expressions must
reflect a genuine interest as well. A child's world is very
different. R' Yisroel Salanter poignantly described it when
he said that someone who sinks a child's boat in a puddle is
hurting him as much as one who sinks a businesman's ship full
of merchandise.
As soon as one trains oneself to listen to children, he will
get accustomed to it very quickly and will realize that this
is the only way to reach them. It will become second nature
to him.
After listening, it is wise to recap the child's words in
your own, aloud, to make sure you understood, and then to ask
him if that is what he really meant. "Would you like to add
something?" This shows we listened, related to it seriously.
This will greatly enhance his self confidence.
Rules for Constructive Listening
1. INDIRECT APPROACH. This is always preferable to the direct
approach, whether in praise or criticism. An example: a
mother found that she made no headway in getting her children
to finish a slice of bread they had begun. She decided to
discuss this with her husband within their earshot. She told
him how she had once seen an old lady bending down to pick up
an apple that had rolled on the ground. She, the young
mother, had rushed to help her, but the woman had refused,
saying, "Such an apple could have saved my brother's life in
the concentration camp." The children heard this story from
the sidelines and arrived at the necessary conclusion on
their own.
2. Reply succinctly and to the point. Children don't need
lengthy lectures to repair all past sins.
3. Don't preach -- rather, offer your advice in the form of a
question. Describe a problem and ask: "So what do you think?
Could this help?" This shows the child you respect his
opinion and his ability to solve trouble spots.
4. Utilize quiet times in the day for communication, perhaps
during mealtime or before bedtime. Sit next to the child, hug
or caress him and `interview' him with questions that focus
on pleasant events: What was the happiest thing you did
today? Listen quietly, without reacting verbally. You will be
surprised at the results!
One can also talk, that is, communicate, without words. One
can show emotions, can express love for the child, can convey
that he is loved.
The correlation between proper communication and self
confidence in a child is this: when a parent listens, the
child concludes that the parent respects his opinion and his
feelings. He will feel important. This is the key to his
proper mature development!
