Dei'ah veDibur - Information & Insight


A Window into the Charedi World | Mordecai Plaut, director Published Weekly

















Home and Family
The Splitting of the Sea
Supportive thoughts to help people engaged in the splendid occupation of finding a `shidduch'
by Leah Weisman

From the word go, the intricate process of shidduchim is nothing short of a miraulous meshing of two worlds, which will in turn create another link in the chain of creation. Since every person is a microcosm of the entire universe, marriage represents the effort of two distinct universes to mesh and not crash. Hanging on to this thought can be very helpful for all the participants and bystanders in the matchmaking drama.

Immediate Family Expansion

As long as a single person is part of their immediate family or is a self-contained single unit, their options are open. Single siblings differ from one another in their temperament and personality but the shared experience of growing up together blurs the distintions to a great extent.

When the single steps out of the protective cocoon of the family home to marry, the new family unit created must sink or swim on its own merits, and an entire new set of rules maintain. The hashgocha protis will determine the myriad details of the new couples' frame of life references. Rich/poor, health/sickness, stability/instability and all options in between. The climate in their new home will be largely determined by the couple's combined coping facility, and past emotional and social history.

New Chapters

New chapters in the family history are in the process of being written every moment and the initial shidduch search plays a crucial long range role in the couple's future sholom bayis. The screening process, prior to actual dates, and the weeding out process, when the potential couple meets, may at times be complex and painful, but both processes go a long way towards maximizing the ultimate compatibility of the couple. Evven mo'asu habonim..." - today's rejection can be regarded as a stepping stone for future success.

Part of the success of the selection process hinges on the emotional maturity of the singles and their families. Bitochon is the anchor that can keep many afloat in the midst of confliting emotions, and this can help balance the single's experience. This most basic elements of bitochon and character improvement come into strong play as the single is prodded to internalize a message which he knows intellectually but perhaps not emotionally, that `whatever Hashem has planned for me is good', as compared to `I must get whatever I think I need'. If a person hasn't worked on developing real bitochon, the matchmaking process is a great boon for this work.

Unraveling the Secret

At times, it may seem that extraordinary effort must be exerted in the pursuit of one's mate, but if we take the long view and appreciate that every new family unit is a link to eternity, this may improve our state of mind, and help us to practice patience, and to stretch our tolerance, two traits that will certainly help build the future nest.

If we keep in mind that shidduchim represent one of the most mysterious aspects of life, we can easily conclude that fortunately, only Hashem knows the secret. Some of the missteps taken in the process, some of the pressure and indecision can be handled more rationally when we internalize the fact that the outcome of our decisions in this realm, plus the overt hashgocha protis surrounding, will have everlasting implications in building a binyon adei ad.


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