From the word go, the intricate process of shidduchim
is nothing short of a miraulous meshing of two worlds, which
will in turn create another link in the chain of creation.
Since every person is a microcosm of the entire universe,
marriage represents the effort of two distinct universes to
mesh and not crash. Hanging on to this thought can be very
helpful for all the participants and bystanders in the
Immediate Family Expansion
As long as a single person is part of their immediate family
or is a self-contained single unit, their options are open.
Single siblings differ from one another in their temperament
and personality but the shared experience of growing up
together blurs the distintions to a great extent.
When the single steps out of the protective cocoon of the
family home to marry, the new family unit created must sink
or swim on its own merits, and an entire new set of rules
maintain. The hashgocha protis will determine the
myriad details of the new couples' frame of life references.
Rich/poor, health/sickness, stability/instability and all
options in between. The climate in their new home will be
largely determined by the couple's combined coping facility,
and past emotional and social history.
New chapters in the family history are in the process of
being written every moment and the initial shidduch
search plays a crucial long range role in the couple's future
sholom bayis. The screening process, prior to actual
dates, and the weeding out process, when the potential couple
meets, may at times be complex and painful, but both
processes go a long way towards maximizing the ultimate
compatibility of the couple. Evven mo'asu habonim..." -
today's rejection can be regarded as a stepping stone for
Part of the success of the selection process hinges on the
emotional maturity of the singles and their families.
Bitochon is the anchor that can keep many afloat in
the midst of confliting emotions, and this can help balance
the single's experience. This most basic elements of
bitochon and character improvement come into strong
play as the single is prodded to internalize a message which
he knows intellectually but perhaps not emotionally, that
`whatever Hashem has planned for me is good', as compared to
`I must get whatever I think I need'. If a person hasn't
worked on developing real bitochon, the matchmaking
process is a great boon for this work.
Unraveling the Secret
At times, it may seem that extraordinary effort must be
exerted in the pursuit of one's mate, but if we take the long
view and appreciate that every new family unit is a link to
eternity, this may improve our state of mind, and help us to
practice patience, and to stretch our tolerance, two traits
that will certainly help build the future nest.
If we keep in mind that shidduchim represent one of
the most mysterious aspects of life, we can easily conclude
that fortunately, only Hashem knows the secret. Some of the
missteps taken in the process, some of the pressure and
indecision can be handled more rationally when we internalize
the fact that the outcome of our decisions in this realm,
plus the overt hashgocha protis surrounding, will have
everlasting implications in building a binyon adei