Children send us wordless messages even before they learn to
speak. Actually 97% of communication between people is non-
verbal. How can we know if the child is upset, confused or
afraid? How can we understand their thoughts by observing
their eyes, body movements, tone of voice? "Children's body
language" can help us understand children better.
Parents often feel that there is a sort of `short circuit' in
their communications which prevents them from understanding
their children's feelings. "Why don't you say what you want
?" "Maybe you'll talk instead of crying all the time?" A
frustrated mother will try to straighten things out without
realizing that this will probably cause a greater breach in
their relations.
Children cannot always express their feelings, pains, or
needs in so many words. Sometimes the only way a child can
make himself understood is through tears, raising his voice
and body movements.
Sogen Kiliam, a British specialist in the field of
`neurolinguistics' which deals with body language, claims
that most misunderstandings between parents and children, as
well as between adults, stem from the same source: an attempt
to communicate exclusively in a spoken language. No one makes
an effort to understand other `languages', i.e. body language
- movement of the eyes, the hands, etc. Yet, she claims, 97%
of communication between people is non- verbal. In school a
great deal of time is set aside for teaching linguistic
skills - reading, writing and speaking - while ignoring non-
verbal means of expression.
Even before the child learns to speak, he relates to the
world in various ways: with sounds, movement, facial
expression, posture, appearance and touch. Therefore, someone
who relates only to words will have difficulty understanding
what the child really wants. Ms. Kiliam authored "Children's
Body Language", a guide for every parent interested in
improving communications with his children. The book
researched in Europe and the U.S. with the participation of
many families, includes the writer's personal findings, as
well as photographs of children in `real' varied situations.
Kiliam promises far-ranging results to those who finish the
"accelerated course" such as: reading the child's thoughts,
knowing if he tells the truth, identification of problems,
ways to help him socially and with his studies. As with all
researchers who see the world through the eyes of their
research, we must not take her all-encompassing view as
necessarily true. One of the disadvantages of her system is
that parents have to be aware 24 hours a day of their
children's every movement - a near impossible task for most
parents who are busy with work, house, and other children.
However there is a certain amount of advice offered which may
really prove useful and widen our horizons.
As mentioned, the difficulty is that the parent is required
to observe every twitch, movement, sigh, etc. Awareness is
the key word. Even a laugh is considered significant. Changes
in skin color are also important and may express fear or
worry about something specific. Even a simple movement like
standing on one foot and then another can express confusion
or fear of someone. In other words, be aware and you'll
always be a few steps ahead.
Her first rule: gather information concerning movements,
through all the senses. Secondly: interpret the data
correctly. Thirdly: learn to speak with the child in the same
language. This will help gain his confidence and he'll feel
understood. Fourth rule: self awareness, meaning, set a
personal example - there's nothing more important to make the
delicate system work. Every facial expression and winning
smile has an influence on the child and gives him an example
to follow and imitate. Sometimes a loud voice, a long face, a
raised hand can ruin things more than a thousand angry words
or other mistakes which are commonly made in child
education.
If you as parents feel that all this is too high pressured
for you - you're not to blame. It takes above-average
strength to carry out the program. On the other hand, it may
be useful to adopt certain suggestions.
READING THOUGHTS
Every parent dreams of being able to interpret his children's
messages. Children give us clues already from a very young
age. The experts call them `sign symbols' - movements,
breathing and other expressions which represent thought
signals. A fist, for example, is a sign of distress according
to Kiliam. An open palm: readiness to cooperate. A child who
moves his hands slowly and erratically after being asked to
carry out a task and furrows his brow shows that the
instructions are not clear in his head and that he is
confused. It's enough to tell him: Come, let's see if we can
make some order here. Also move your hands erratically as he
did to show that you understood his non-verbal message and
he'll be ready to cooperate and organize his thoughts.
Kiliam mentions 3 main signs to look for: head and eye
movements signify the type of thought processes used by the
child. For example, if he culls information from appearances -
he is a visual type, if voices are important, then he is a
sound-type etc. Movements and gestures teach us about details
and organization of important information. The shape of his
eyes, eyebrows mouth and hands all express his feelings.
It's also possible to discover whether the child is creative
or `blocked'. Comfortable, open movements, a serious
expression and a healthy skin tone, as well as eye movements
to the right are gestures which show that the child is
imagining pictures and sounds, and inform us that this is a
creative child.
A stubborn posture, on the other hand, small, hesitant
movements, poor verbal communication or critical comments,
eyes cast downwards, show us blocked creativity and resulting
lack of self-confidence.
WITHOUT CONFLICTING EMOTIONS
Children are confused when there is a lack of harmony in
their emotions. This comes about when parents use two
different languages: the words express one thing and the eyes
another; the tone of voice isn't in accordance with the
message. A child who receives conflicting information will be
confused and frightened. Feelings have to be expressed
clearly. When a parent is angry and tries to hide the fact
behind a friendly face, this mixes the child up. And if when
he asks, "Ima are you angry at me?" and he receives an
embarrassed answer denying this, he feels lost altogether.
Children have difficulty understanding when people put up a
front, and may cry if they are confused.
Calm words and locked fists; happy words and teary eyes; eyes
which belie what the words express - like red eyes and a
smiling mouth, a guilty, shameful look and a forced smile,
when a body contradicts itself over and over again with
forced expressions or nervous outbursts followed by tears and
the like - all these show that the child is going through
conflicting emotions and is in need of help.
The tools for this are: 1. physical support: because his body
is in conflict, he needs the warmth and comfort of physical
reassurance in order to regain self-confidence. 2.
Information: if the child is aware that it is natural to feel
conflicting emotions, he will be calmed and encouraged even
at the height of confusing moments. 3. Exteriorization: pay
attention to non-verbal expressions. Ask the child, "What is
your fist saying?" 4. Decisiveness: in order to get rid of
the cause of these conflicting emotions, an active
conversation is necessary to ensure that all his feelings
have been aired out.
SELF CONTROL
Most frightening to the child are outbursts of anger,
thrashing about and unexpected attacks of hysteria. Some
children don't experience outbursts of anger regularly, or
otherwise. When anger is not expressed in a balanced manner,
this is a sign of distress. Feelings should not be
suppressed, but the child must know that there is a proper
time, place and manner, so that he doesn't turn into an
explosive `emotion bomb'. When a child is having a temper
tantrum it's important to stay next to him, without touching
him, and make sure that he doesn't harm himself. During
attacks of fright or grief, you should sit close, touch him,
calm and reassure him. If he loses control to the point of
frightening himself, you must look into his eyes, sit or lie
down next to him, and repeat his name over and over again in
a gentle voice. Raise your voice when his eyes focus again to
show that he is `with you'. Reacting to his tantrum with an
outburst can break him and cause him to repeat his behavior
the next time. Raising a hand when the child is very upset
will only achieve opposite results. A hysterical child needs
to feel warmth, a loving hug, a good word. Only when he calms
down can you listen to him and answer logically.
To be completed next week
