"You are a `poster child' for the sandwich generation," my
husband remarked as I hung up the phone for the third time in
less than ten minutes. First my daughter, a first-time mother
of just three weeks, called to see if it was normal for her
baby to be so cranky. Then, my oldest son called to let us
know he was on the road on his way home and was there room to
park in the garage? Finally, my mother called to let me know
that she thought she was coming down with some sort of flu,
and was not sure what to do.
How is it possible to feel being torn apart with frustration
at the constant intrusions into daily life, and yet maintain
both a sense of humor as well as the proper hashkafic
balance of kibud ov' veim?
As is so frequently the case, it is the baby boomer
generation that thinks it has invented all things — the
'sandwich generation,' being just one of many new terms it
has coined to define life for women like me, in our 40's and
50's. People seem to think that this phenomenon never existed
before and yet, when I was growing up, my mother was the
"filling" in the sandwich — but it just wasn't called
that.
My grandparents lived upstairs from us, and my mother raised
her family of four children, helped my father in his job, and
was always there to assist my grandparents in whatever way
was necessary — be it cooking, cleaning, taking care of
errands or just being an interested listener. My husband also
grew up in such a family constellation, and neither of us
thought this was in any way unusual.
Both my mother and my mother-in-law were shining role models
of how an adult child should behave towards their parent
— with love and more importantly, great derech
eretz. I can not remember either one ever losing her
temper or showing any kind of frustrations in caring for
their elderly and aging parents.
So, why do I get so tired? I have fallen victim to society's
concept of the 'me generation.' The sandwich generation
implies being a filling that is squeezed by both sides, with
no room left for self. But who said that is the Torah
concept? Today's woman is busy running a business, driving
carpools, micromanaging her home and family, often a very
large one. We are convinced by `society' that we either
should be 'super woman' and learn to fit everything in, or
that we must find time for ourselves to be able to be more
responsive to everyone else.
"Kabed es ovicha v'es imecha . . . — Honor your
father and mother in order that your days may be lengthened."
The Torah does not view honoring our parents as a burden
which must be endured — it is an honor, a privilege. We
need to look at this opportunity as a blessing — a
chance to not only do a mitzvah of the highest order,
but to instill in our children the same feelings, so they in
turn can show us this respect when we grow older.
I am trying very hard not to identify myself as a member of
the sandwich generation anymore. I am a daughter, a mother, a
wife, and hopefully a role model to my children and
grandchildren of the Torah ideal of kibud ov v'em. I
am a link in a chain that has endured for thousands of years.
I still get tired, but the fatigue is physical, not an
emotional reaction to the difficulties of being there for
everyone.
It isn't always easy to keep this perspective, and I can't
say that there aren't days that I struggle, but the feeling
inside when I accomplish my goal at each step of the way
keeps me motivated to try harder the next time I feel myself
slip.
