Question:
Every Shabbos, as I relax sitting in my couch right after
lighting candles and Kabbolas Shabbos, I look forward
to your articles. You have an original, thorough way of
tackling important subjects which many avoid commenting
on.
We have a question regarding our next child in line. His
peers are getting married quickly. Since we feel our son is
still quite immature, although we get suggestions, we are not
in a rush to start the process, but perhaps we are being
overly cautious. Could you comment on readiness for girls as
well?
Anonymous
Answer:
Growing Pains
I am not sure what you mean by "immature." People could use
the same word and mean different things . . . A youngster can
be "unripe," a late bloomer where, simply, time and
experiences must take their course and eventually prepare the
person for future commitments.
It reminds me of the term "growing pains." A child can have
an ache that is real but upon examination, the doctor finds
that everything is okay. Rather than a psychological symptom,
there is the discomfort of the body rapidly developing and
causing temporary soreness at a certain spot.
Along those lines, I have also heard the Talmudic expression,
"moom oveir," a temporary blemish that will correct
itself with time and life experience; a slightly immature
person, once thrown into marriage, will grow up and learn to
stand on his own two feet. This is very common, especially
with young couples who certainly need a lot of guidance.
Torah responsibility is largely dependent on self-
motivation, and people who are pressured into marriage when
they aren't emotionally ready for it, could end up harming
their marriage partner.
Parents have to be very careful when their children might not
be motivated to start dating. Sometimes all they need is a
gentle nudge and encouragement, since, in general, the boy or
girl will on his/her own want to date, as it is healthy to
feel the need to get on to the next step in life, the
excitement to start building a family.
Beyond age, we all know of immature and perhaps eccentric
bachelors . . . But even they, with the right counseling,
usually get their act together . . .
Some might do well in all areas, but lack the decisiveness to
make a marriage commitment. I've learned not to be quick to
judge people. A difficult background and hard-core issues can
be some of the common blocks. Some young people are so
negative that they look for faults in every suggestion as
excuses not to settle down.
Not dealing with the issues and expecting them to just
disappear won't take them anywhere. The added frustration
only hurts them more and the automatic ruling out of good
candidates for an unjustified reason or mere excuse only
increases their frustration.
Responsibility
Getting back to the original question, I also asked myself in
seminary, how will I know when I am ready? I remember asking
that of a wise teacher. She thought for a minute, then told
me to picture the following scene: "You're holding one child,
another is crying, the phone is ringing, etc. Are you ready
to give?"
Although the description of what awaits a woman might seem
like an exaggeration, it is not. It could and will easily
happen in the busy schedule of a mother and housewife.
Besides the physical tasks that are time-consuming, like
cooking, shopping, laundry, etc. there are no less important
spiritual responsibilities. Davening is the straight
connection to The One in charge. Some prayers with
concentration can make the day, the future and my life in
general run smoother.
A shiur, Torah tape and/or sefer can inspire me
to do my daily task with more joy. And even a kosher music CD
can lighten up the home atmosphere, adding to the
ambiance.
The woman is like the "barometer of the house," being
responsible to create the right tone. Her commitment to the
correct values will set the pitch for the family. And
primarily, she will be the one to spend the most time
educating the children.
A girl has to know with wisdom that unless she respects her
husband, they will be set for disaster. There is a famous
saying that if a wife treats her husband like a king, he will
relate to her like a queen. But if she bosses him like a
servant, he will affirm his authority accordingly.
She needs to be able to appreciate and admire another person.
And consequently be able to look up to him so as to mobilize
her energies to being an ezer knegdo. A girl who is
self-centered will have difficulty in knowing how to build
up, complement, and nurture another person, rather than
keeping only herself on the front lines.
For a young man as well, there is a general maturity of being
able to take on responsibilities. The husband is expected to
be the head of the household. Even if he is working, it's
essential that he make an effort to maintain a set learning
schedule, esepcially since asking halachic questions and
making spiritual decisions will be in his realm. His Torah
knowledge and joy in fulfilling mitzvos will inspire
and guide his family.
In addition, the husband needs to have a sense of direction,
of where the couple is heading to, what are their aspirations
and priorities. Obviously, since in life there is always the
unknown, a person needs to have a certain awareness of his
goals. Especially in a Torah home, Torah values take on
priority and there is a constant striving to be better
servants of Hashem.
In the emotional department, his task is challenging . . .
To put it mildly, dealing with a woman is not always easy . .
. A woman needs to feel appreciated, respected and loved.
Her sensitivities can puzzle the most emotionally aware of
men. It takes more than good intentions to understand and
give a wife what she needs.
Marital Harmony Entails Compromise
If I only love myself and my opinions, I can get stuck in my
set of circumstances. That is being a mentsch only to myself,
but not to others around me. On the scale of closeness, my
family gets the priority. Our partner is the one we see
constantly, also when we are in a bad mood, had a hard day,
or didn't get enough sleep. Automatically, a human being can
be self-focused and deal only with his own convenience, but
marriage is a partnership. There are many prerequisites, such
as being able to focus more on giving then taking, which
invariably touches on having the capability of being
responsible and caring for another human being. The only way
to do it is by valuing the partner and holding him or her in
the highest esteem. Therefore, the Rambam and Tur stress that
a couple is obligated to give one another enormous honor and
respect. This utmost appreciation and admiration create a
truly loving bond, much stronger than most family ties. When
"I" becomes "we," the needs of the partner become dear and
close to heart. A well-known Rabbi of a recent generation
wrote that marital harmony is imperative and requires a
marked effort. It is therefore necessary that both give in
and compromise a bit: not to insist on "winning" and
"vanquishing" the other, and being "right all the time."
Therefore, learning to compromise is the maturity in
accepting that things won't always go my way, because
marriage is not a monologue, one-way relationship, but a
bond, a partnership.
On paper it sounds easy: give, give, and give. But in
practice, we all have certain preferences and feel strongly
about them. The only way to do it is by learning to forget
and forgive. A respected rebbetzin told me that she
prays daily to be able to overlook her husband's faults. This
constant work focuses on the successes, on the positive, and
overcoming the daily challenges. Marriage is about building;
both partners have to be willing to work hard. It doesn't
come naturally. But even that giving should be focused not
only on what I want, but also what the other needs.
My husband I still laugh when we remember a strange present
he gave me once; it was a piece of modern art: an original
flower vase. He liked it and bought it for me. I politely
said `thank you,' but he understood that the next present
would be something more typical, more to my taste than his .
. . A well known wife of a talmid chochom told me that
her husband used to give her pots for Yom Tov when they were
first married. He was practical — "We need pots." He
eventually understood that what she really wanted was jewelry
or new clothes . . . Before I started shidduchim, I
thought that if I married the right person, everything would
certainly turn out alright. But life has taught me that all
the accomplishments my husband and I have in our relationship
came from praying and working hard on ourselves.
Trust
Eventually, once two young people decide to get engaged, the
commitment brings a certain bond. The base is there, but a
real relationship can only be developed in marriage. At least
there has to be the potential that both sides are prepared to
nurture the connection. There has to be mutual trust that
both want the best for each other and are committed to their
common goals. This reliability, the Maharal said, is the
essence to maintaining a marriage. When two single capable
people are ready to fully invest in that relationship, the
results will certainly be blessed, so that beyond age, there
is a certain quotient of being prepared to erect a home, of
passing on Jewish tradition to children together with a
spouse. But at the same time, with one supporting the other,
both can feel much stronger and fulfilled.
A frum counselor wrote that the " . . . marital
success of the Torah-true Jew is to marry someone committed
to Torah law. Find out early on before marriage if the person
has one or more rabbis who (s)he goes to for halachic and
life questions. Find out from the rabbi(s) if the person
obeys faithfully; especially when doing so is a test of will,
character or self-discipline. If you were only to marry
someone who has a consistent history of uncompromisingly and
steadily obeying halochoh and daas Torah, and
of having refined character traits, the chances are much
greater that you will not be harmed. Because the Torah tells
the mature person who is truly devoted to the will of G-d
what to do in every single situation of life."
Rebbetzin Travis has many years of experience and success
in helping people through shiduchim. Please note that
all names have been changed unless specified with the
exception of well-known public figures like gedolim
and educators. Any comments, questions and stories can be
sent to: dytravis@013.net or at (02) 656-3111
