Question:
Dear Shadchente,
Although I am not the little boy standing with his finger in
the hole in the dam, I wonder how we can plug up some of the
"leaks" when it comes to keeping info confidential in
shidduchim.
I refer to the known phenomena of feedback in
shidduchim, i.e, if I ask a boy questions about his
roommate, I can be pretty sure that the subject of the
inquiry will hear all about it, including all my "brilliant "
questions. For obvious reasons, I do not want the family or
the candidate to hear all my questions which may sound
intrusive, or may be too revealing about who I am.
On the other hand, it is not always practical to send
messengers to check out the candidate. It's always better to
hear the report first-hand...
Any suggestions?
Anonymous Mother
Answer:
Revealing a Secret
Your question is very valid and I'm sure it's on the mind of
many of us. Here you are, a mother that wants the best for
your child. You want to find out facts for a valid reason, to
figure out if the suggestion is suitable. Also, you don't
want to cause any harm or make any findings public.
I consulted a Rov and he said that if once you warned the
roommate to keep the information private, if he reveals your
conversation to the boy in question, the roommate is
transgressing the prohibition of megale sod (revealing
a secret). I would suggest to stress to the reference that
your queries are confidential, to please not reveal them, and
if he does so, he will be violating the halochoh.
The Rov said that it is a matter of trust. . . True, you
don't know if he will keep his word. But what are the
choices? You can't avoid inquiring about what you need to
know, what is important for you. Moreover, the Rov said that
even if there would be violation of privacy, it's very
unlikely that a shidduch would be broken if the
candidate hears what has been asked about him and his family.
Unfortunately people are not surprised when others snoop on
their lives. . .
These issues of trust also apply to whatever is told to the
matchmaker. What is wanted to be kept private should be
stressed, although the shadchan must also use good
sense not to reveal more than necessary even when the
information is not secret. I was the shadchan for a
family that asked a friend who lives locally to check someone
out for them. The acquaintance wanted to know not just about
the immediate family, but also about aunts and uncles and
even grandparents and great-grandparents in detail. She
requested that I ask the girl for the minutiae. The girl
thought that such an attitude meant that the shidduch
is not for her. But at least I could honestly propose that it
wasn't coming from the parents, but from their friend.
Pinpoint Precise Questions
At the same time, you have to feel more confident about who
you are. If, let's say, it's important for you that the boy
fits certain requirements within reason, you have the right
do so. Your children are at stake, you know them well, and
hopefully recognize what is best for them. If your
examinations will reveal too much of whom you are, how can
you avoid it? You can't hide your priorities. And if others
think you are intrusive, what can you do? Some people are
more discreet and have a talent with words. Others might be
more, or less, blunt. Obviously you do what you can to be
tactful. You might want to stress that you are trying to get
a picture of who they are and do not intend to pass on the
particulars given.
The answer follows the question. So there is no choice, you
have to be clear and often even precise. I once asked someone
if he has any health problems and he answered negatively.
Later on, a reference revealed that five years earlier he'd
had a brain tumor and he seems to have recovered well but has
periodic check ups and follow up medications. Later on, when
I asked him about the brain tumor, he defensively explained
that had I asked if he had past problems he would have
revealed this, but since the question was regarding the
present . . . I learned the lesson to be more specific about
what exactly I want to know.
I was put in an uncomfortable position many times by the
information people wanted me to find out as a matchmaker. For
no convincing reason, the parents of a certain boy were
overly concerned about the lineage of a girl. The
apprehension went as far as their religious background with a
demand to be acquainted with their mesader kidushin. I
was in a rough situation, for I am friendly with the girls'
family. I could not believe, knowing them well, and since
they are respected in their community, that there could be
invalidation in their wedding ceremony. I couldn't possibly
ask the question directly. But an opportunity presented
itself when the girls' mother mentioned that they haven't
been in touch with friends from their hometown since they
have been living abroad for over thirty years, nor with their
rabbonim. from then, and that her husband's Rosh
Yeshiva from then passed away. I quickly thought to comment
casually that most probably he officiated their wedding
ceremony. And she agreed. Unexpectedly, I had the needed
reply . . .
Another touchy state of affairs is regarding children of
baalei tshuvah. Many times the other side wants to
know in detail how observant was the parent's upbringing,
when and even how they became religious. Although when the
parents are very integrated into the frum society, one
can hardly tell and could be a removed past when over thirty
years passed . . .
Priorities Obviously you should avoid superficial
questions. What is reasonable is what is important for you
— your priorities. And it's certainly harmful to dwell
on the human mere curiosity that could lead to slander and
gossip external superficial matters.
Included on the "need to know" list are such issues as the
young lady's dress size; the kind of table cloth used in her
home on Friday night; whether the meal is served on silver or
plastic cutlery, china, or paper dishes. Are there slipcovers
on the sofa? Is she a good cook or a bad cook? I used to view
these questions as silly aberrations, but it is clear that
they have become more common than we would like to admit.
These types of nosy questions do not show the character of
the questioner in the best of lights,
People feel exposed about probings that could be avoided. I
once asked a tall girl what her height is, not out of
curiosity, but because most boys prefer to be taller than the
girl. She was quite offended and answered that only her
dressmaker needs to know that. I felt bad — she must be
asked that often and it makes her uncomfortable . . . At the
same time, in a society that praises the thin —
overweight girls also need to be treated with sensitivity. In
a different situation, people with health problems or
divorcees prefer to keep their privacy as much as possible. I
try to ask for general information only and leave the rest
for the family involved. The matchmaker doesn't need to know
all the details!
The more appropriate questions are hopefully still asked
about schooling, aspirations, family relationships, religious
commitment, etc. However, an observant psychologist wrote
that " . . .when I am called about prospective mates whom I
know, I am almost never asked about their acts of
chesed, how much charity they give, if they are
respectful to parents and friends, if they visit their
grandparents, if they are honest in business, if they pay
their taxes, if they swindle the government, if they are
kind, etc."
Privacy According to your child's individual needs,
you must assess what exactly you need to ask. Rather than
"What can you tell me about the Cohens," ask specific pointed
questions. Even if your son is looking for a thin girl, you
don't need to know exactly what her size dress is. Even if
you would like a financial contribution towards the support
of the young couple, you don't need to know exactly what
their salary is. Does it matter where they shop or if her
siblings are A students? And what of the privacy of the
family being discussed? Are there no limits as to what is
fair game? The Jewish people were blessed by G-d through
Bilam in the desert precisely because we did not look into
our neighbor's windows. Can those who ask these shallow and
foolish questions really be trusted to keep the answers
confidential?
Rebbetzin Travis has many years of experience and success
in helping people through shidduchim. Please note that
all names have been changed unless specified with the
exception of well-known public figures like Gedolim
and educators. Any comments, questions and stories can be
sent to: dytravis@013.net or at (02) 656-3111
