The dictionary defines gratitude as "the state of being
grateful; a warm and friendly feeling toward a benefactor; or
kindness awakened by a favor received."
Most of us would assume that the more a person has, the more
grateful he will be. However, a study recently published in
the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology shows
evidence that the more positive events that a person
experiences each day, the less amount of gratitude he has.
Why? It could be that the more a person is given, the less he
can appreciate each gift.
Perhaps this is true, but the latest psychological studies
also show that some people are born with a grateful
personality! In "Gratitude in Daily Mood" (February 2004,
Journal of Personality and Social Psychology) we find:
"Grateful people are grateful under all circumstances; it
doesn't seem to matter whether something special happens to
them that day or not." However, not all of us are blessed
with this inborn trait.
For example, Kayla came to therapy with no pathological
symptoms. She had a caring husband, two beautiful children
and a secure financial situation. She was bright and
attractive with a charming personality. Kayla came in
complaining of lack of satisfaction in her life. I asked her
to name some of the positive aspects of her life, and she
couldn't think of any until I pointed them out to her.
Why?
False Self-Concept One of the most common reasons that
people cannot be grateful for or even identify their positive
attributes is the tendency towards self- deprecation. This is
not humility. Humility is awareness of one's talents and
acknowledgement that they are a gift from Hashem.
Self-deprecation is a complaint. It is a statement that you
feel like you don't have what you need. This self concept can
develop through careless words of parents and teachers like
"How could you be so irresponsible/lazy/stupid/ insensitive?"
These words sometimes haunt a person for a lifetime unless
they work to re-create a new concept of themselves. Sometimes
this type of self-concept grows because a person is
constantly measuring himself against more accomplished
siblings or peers.
If a child grows up in a family of geniuses, and he is "only"
bright, then he might believe himself to be slow because of
his field of comparison. In order to correct this distorted
perception, a person must learn to value his own unique
talents. How? Kayla sought professional help in order to
reach this awareness. However, often a person just needs to
write down even her small accomplishments at the end of each
day.
This "gratitude" journal, which can include events that a
person is grateful for, engenders a sense of gratefulness
inside. Moreover, studies have found that these "gratitude"
entries actually help most people to actualize their personal
goals since they are focusing on the positive elements of
themselves and their lives.
Expressing Our Gratitude
When I asked Kayla about her relationships, we discovered
that she was reluctant to express gratitude even when she
really did appreciate the other person's efforts. For
instance, Kayla expressed that she appreciated how her
husband helped her clean for Shabbos. However, she never
said, "Thank you." Why? Kayla assumed that her husband
already knew how much she appreciated his help, so why should
she have to say it?
We explored how good Kayla's husband would feel even when a
compliment wasn't "necessary." However, verbalizing our
gratitude goes deeper than this. When we express our
gratitude, we change. We become more grateful people just
from the words.
This is how prayer works as well. We become better people
when we pray with sincerity. Hashem doesn't need our "thank
you," but we need it in order to develop our internal
selves. This is also true in terms of other people in our
lives. The more we verbalize our gratitude, the more we
appreciate what others do for us.
The Challenge of "Too Much"
When children have too many toys, they often don't appreciate
each one. When adults have "too much" good in their lives,
they sometimes behave in the same way. Why? As a person's
fortune increases, the threshold for what is "enough" keeps
getting higher. Suddenly a hundred thousand dollars isn't
good enough; they must find a way to make two hundred
thousand, and then that won't be enough either.
Kayla found that this was happening in her life as well. She
had so much comfort and ease that she couldn't seem to focus
on all the myriad parts of her life that deserved
appreciation. She realized that she wanted more and more
things without realizing all the "ordinary" gifts in her
day.
Her children's health. Her marriage. Her home. Eventually,
she learned to separate her needs from her desires, and then
she was able to recognize that all her needs were being met
on a daily basis. However, even after working on her self-
concept, verbalizing her gratitude and separating her desires
from her needs, Kayla still felt uncomfortable with even the
idea of gratitude.
It soon emerged that Kayla had grown up in a home that was
plagued with financial stress. She remembers that even at the
worst of times, her father would refuse to take a loan from
anyone. He used to say: "I don't care how poor we are. We
don't owe anyone any money. I will not be indebted to anyone.
We will get by without depending on others. I'm going to do
it myself!"
Kayla remembers that she admired her father's fierce
independence, and he did eventually build up a business on
his own. However, since then she has been equating
indebtedness and gratitude her whole life. Every time she
expressed appreciation for someone else's help, she felt weak
and vulnerable.
But gratitude and indebtedness are radically different ideas.
In fact, when people feel indebted they often become angry
and resentful. This anger stems from the forced obligation
inherent in the concept of debt. The other party is basically
(whether spoken or not) insisting that you either pay back or
feel obligated towards him. However, gratitude is a choice
that should arise from our own internal demand. When we
express gratitude we show our strength rather than our
vulnerability. Kayla examined this difference and found that
she could begin to express gratitude without feeling
insecure.
We can see through Kayla's struggles and through our own
challenges, that gratitude is a choice that we make each day.
If we rise to the challenge and learn to acknowledge the
gifts in our lives, part of which is thanking Hashem, we will
begin to see the good in ourselves, in others and in the
world around us.
