When I was taking courses in computer science, ages ago and
oceans away, I thought some of the non-science/math classes
being offered were really a joke. I particularly laughed at a
course called 'communication' and the idea that one could
major is such a thing. What is that about, I wondered. People
need to learn how to talk to each other? I mean, just say it,
and just listen and move on.
Did I ever have a lot to learn.
As I meandered on through life, not always successful with
understanding other people's needs and messages, and not
always doing much better making myself clear, I realized that
my immature assessment was way off the mark.
Luckily for me, there were plenty of books to pick up the
slack. R' Pliskin and R' Twersky have enriched us all with
their many books on this topic - they certainly rescued
me!
One subject I perceived as a mine-strewn field was the 'ask'
arena. Just for starters, see how many ways the title can be
read! I have seen and heard of so many examples of where one
should ask, one shouldn't, one ought to explore first…
Let's start with investigative invitations. Although people
may deny it and may decline your summons, in their hearts,
they want you to ask, that is, to invite them. They want to
know that you are thinking of them, value their friendship,
their company, themselves as a person. Sometimes I will hear
a friend say, 'Oh, don't bother to ask her to go with you,
she never gets out.'
'Ask!' I adjure them. 'Just getting asked will make them feel
good. You lose nothing if they say no.' Keep in mind your
goal, think about the whole picture, and proceed with great
delicateness. Even if you think your friend, neighbor,
relative will not want to join you, ask in a pleasant way. If
you get a real unfriendly no, find another way to be nice to
them, and find another acquaintance to invite! On the other
hand, people can be complicated. Sometimes people ask but
aren't really anxious for a 'Yes' response. It even states in
the Shulchan Oruch that a chazzan should not
take the omud unless asked three times!
I can't recall too many details about my eighth grade, but I
have a clear memory of my teacher calling on a different girl
each day to lead the davening. I was a typically self-
conscious pre-teen, and when she called on me the first time,
I got embarrassed, and didn't want to lead. I even asked her
to please not call on me. But the year wore on, and I guess I
forgot about that conversation.
I actually went over to her one morning to defend my rights,
and asked her why she never calls on me to be
chazonis. I am sure I shocked her with the question.
She looked at me in amazement and said, 'But you asked me not
to!' I often think of this incident, concluding that people
enjoy being asked, cajoled, even sweet-talked with
invitations.
Certainly, as in any situation, one must know how to use
one's intelligence as modified by one's experience. Consider
this true story, where the invitation was overdone. My mother
used to visit as a volunteer in a nursing home. It happened
to have very high standards, people used to come from other
areas to see it — it was a model home. Social workers
came and certainly only the best were able to get a job
there.
My mother observed one social worker leading a group of
ladies, encouraging them to do a book report, some type of
public speaking in their group. Many were glad to be able to
share with others; one woman was not. Perhaps she was shy, or
had other reasons but the social worker persisted in trying
to draw her out. Finally she said to her, "Tomorrow, it's
your turn. I won't take no for an answer. You'll do a good
job, you'll see."
That night, the elderly woman passed away.
Was she in elementary school that she had to give a book
report or speak publicly? Was it necessary for her to be
taught how to accomplish something in her life? The social
worker meant well, but was not looking at the whole picture.
Was the woman glad to have been asked? Perhaps the first or
second time. But no one should insist or force a person to do
something.
Then there are people who expect you to offer, while you
expect them to ask. A teenage girl was asked by her sister-
in-law, "Why don't you ever come to visit us? You never stop
in!" Well, she didn't because she had been waiting to be
asked! So we mustn't stand on ceremony.
Mind reading is not often such an accurate barometer. If you
want something, just ask. In some cases, it's a good idea to
put the person at ease as you ask. Try, "We would love it if
you could drop in when you are near our apartment," (but make
sure that is what you really want!) rather than, 'Oh, you are
going shopping to that store? You'll be right near me, so I
expect to see you."
The object of your desire may have other plans, and you just
put her in an awkward position. Taking it from the other
side, the teenager could say, "I may be near your home next
week. Would you like me to pop in if I have enough time?"
Plenty of room there for the sister-in-law to wriggle out of
it if she wants to, or to jump on it with enthusiasm. Then
our teenager will know where she stands.
Sometimes, we need to consider where the questioner is coming
from. If it makes no sense, think a minute before deciding
that she is asleep or totally out of it. She may not want to
express her fear, her hope, but she needs some help. Picture
a youngster who has been through some rough times, living
during the recent war. In the evening, when his mother told
him it was time to go to bed, he asked her, "Where shall I go
to sleep?"
Her first thought was, "In your room - just where you've been
sleeping before the war, and ever since the cease fire. Where
else?" but she thought a minute first and realized he was
full of fears. "Would you like to lie down in my bed
tonight?" she offered. Yes, he would.
A young girl asked her mother, "What was it like for you in
high school? Did you get along with your classmates? Did you
have a lot of friends, or just a few?" The mother, delighted
at her daughter's interest, was about to take the ball and
run with it, but she thought first about her daughter's
situation and asked, "Are you wondering how to become friends
with some girls in your class?" "Yes!" came the reply. "I
can't seem to get closer to my classmates." A little
clarification, and we know where we're headed. Now the mother
could help her with what was really on her mind.
Along those lines, we often need to directly ask the person
we're conversing with, "What's the real question?" For
example, a father asks his wife, "What time is little Moshe
going to sleep?" If she analyzes the question for a second
before responding, she will wonder what this sudden interest
in Moshe's bedtime is all about. A bit of polite
investigation may reveal that Tatty really wants to know if
there is time to take Moshe for a walk, or is trying to find
out when to anticipate some peace and quiet in the house, or
when Mommy will be available to discuss something important
etc.
This even applies when asking a shayloh. A friend of
mine in a small community asked the Rav if she was obligated
to go to her father's kever in Eretz Yisroel at any
time. He told her that she didn't have to go. A few
weeks later, the Rav saw her, and asked in surprise, "Didn't
your husband just go to Eretz Yisroel? Why didn't you join
him?" When she reminded him of his answer to her query a few
weeks ago, he gently reprimanded her, "That is not how to ask
a shayloh. Of course you should have joined your
husband. You left out some very relevant information."
When asking for a favor, clarification is very important. I
once asked a neighbor if my little boy could play with her
children for an hour - I needed to get something important
done. Her initial response really surprised and disappointed
me. "I'm sorry," she said, "I can't." But then she went on to
explain, "When I have someone's children over, I feel very
responsible. I can't do any housework, I just sit with the
children."
Now I was glad she had refused. Had she said nothing, and
just watched my child, putting her tasks aside for an hour, I
would have felt very guilty. I would not have wanted her to
do such a thing. So we need to be as clear as possible with
our requests:
"Hello, I need a taxi. Can it be here in exactly two
minutes?" Otherwise, he thinks ten minutes is fine.
"Is your sewing machine out? Can I use it for five minutes
some time today?" Hopefully they won't spend 15 minutes
taking it out and setting it up for you, something you would
not ask for.
"Can I get a ride with you to the wedding, or were you and
your husband looking forward to some private time?" They may
be embarrassed to refuse you; perhaps you should have asked
if they were taking anyone else, or if they were filled up
already.
Examples abound; the best way to avoid misunderstandings is
to follow the advice of the Rambam: Think about your words
before they leave your mouth. Now that is a real goal to work
on!
