Part I
"If you have been dating for a few years and haven't been
able to develop a connection with anyone after several dates,
it's possible that a dating mentor can help you." That is how
psychotherapist Rosie Einhorn and family lawyer Sherry
Zimmerman see it.
As founders of the organization Sasson V'Simcha - The Center
For Jewish Marriage, they know from experience. They have
been advising singles, training mentors, and giving workshops
to singles, parents, and members of the community for close
to ten years. They regularly receive "mazal tov" calls,
informing them of an engagement, from people who have read
their book, Talking Tachlis - A Single's Strategy for
Marriage, or have heard them speak, as well as
individuals they have mentored. Many of these callers are
people who had been dating unproductively for years and
actualized success after they changed their mindset,
attitude, or dating technique. With the help which Sasson
V'Simcha and its founders provided, many others have been
able to identify and overcome "roadblocks" that in the past
kept them from moving forward.
*
Sasson V'Simcha had its inception more than 13 years ago,
when an outreach director in the U.S. sent Mrs. Einhorn two
young women who were frustrated by years of unsuccessful
dating. The rabbi was acquainted with Mrs. Einhorn's work
helping children and adults using various therapies, and
thought that the young women could also benefit from her
guidance.
"At first I thought, why is he sending these girls to me?
There is nothing wrong with them. They just didn't meet the
right one yet. What can I do to help them?" explains Mrs.
Einhorn. "But as I began seeing them and discussing their
lives, experiences and thoughts, I saw that both of them had
unresolved issues that were preventing them from building a
connection with someone. Difficulties that they had
experienced in their adolescence caused each of them to look
for the wrong type of person, and each one also had
psychological and informational concerns that needed
clarification. After a period of counseling, these young
women had a clearer understanding of themselves, and the
personal qualities that a good partner for them should
possess. They were better equipped to recognize their
`soulmates,' who each appeared on the scene the following
year."
Mrs. Einhorn didn't counsel any other singles until she moved
to Eretz Yisroel with her family in 1994. Although she opened
up a private psychotherapy practice with a desire to help
whomever she could, educators who had heard of her work in
the U.S. began to refer singles to her. Within a matter of
months, singles were the main focus of her practice and many
of them became engaged and married, after learning about
themselves and understanding their needs.
Mrs. Einhorn discussed her achievements with her long-time
friend, Mrs. Zimmerman, who had moved to Eretz Yisroel with
her family at about the same time. In the U.S., Mrs.
Zimmerman had worked with many singles in her capacity as a
family lawyer. They decided to pool their information,
experience and resources and wrote their first book,
Talking Tachlis, which was published by Targum Press
in December 1998. Finally, there was a "how-to" book that
gave frum singles information that they could use
— and use it they did.
As the authors traveled to various Jewish communities
throughout the United States and Israel and met with singles,
they realized that there were large numbers of frum,
unmarried men and women who were clamoring for advice and
guidance. They met with talented, visionary community leaders
who shared ideas about the many services that could be
implemented to meet the needs of large numbers of marriage-
oriented men and women and their families.
Mrs. Einhorn and Mrs. Zimmerman decided to form a non-profit
organization to provide these services, and to devote a
portion of their professional lives to helping more Jewish
men and women achieve their goals of meeting the right person
and building a healthy, enduring marriage. Their board
members include Rabbi Berel Wein, Rabbi Hanoch Teller, Mrs.
Tziporah Heller, and Dr. Yisroel Levitz.
Mrs. Einhorn and Mrs. Zimmerman have since written In The
Beginning - How to Survive Your Engagement and Build a Great
Marriage. They also wrote a chapter in the book,
Rabbinic Counseling. This book, authored/edited by Dr.
Yisroel Levitz and Rabbi Abraham Twerski, has different
mental health professionals discussing counseling techniques
that work with different problems in our community. They have
facilitated communities in Europe, the U.S., and Canada set
up a variety of services to help singles marry, by training
matchmakers, dating mentors, and therapists, and they
continue to advise singles through their lectures, newspaper
columns and one-on-one counseling. They have graciously
agreed to share some of their advice with our readers, as
well.
What are some of the issues that are preventing singles
from getting married?
Rapid changes in Western standards have a lot to do with it.
As much as we attempt to insulate ourselves from secular
society, some of its values creep into our worldview. Today,
secular society says that it is okay to be single, and that
marriage doesn't have to be a major life goal. Unmarried
people are no longer described in derogatory terms such as
bachelor or spinster; being single is an acceptable lifestyle
choice. As much as frum people desire to get married,
and do suffer in their single state, many of them do not
experience the same pressure and feeling of no alternatives
that used to be prevalent.
At the same time, people's expectations about marriage
partners have skyrocketed. It used to be enough to put two
nice people together; they had enough in common, would get
along, and decide to build a life together. In our day,
singles and their families have lists and lists of what they
are looking for. Unfortunately, many of the items on these
lists have little to do with what makes a good marriage
partner.
Another problem is that many singles just don't know how to
date properly — what to discuss and expect at which
point in the process. Or, their timing is off — they or
their parents think they are ready for marriage, but they
really aren't. Or they are ready, but they cannot go out
because of an older sibling. Lastly, many singles encounter
some sort of obstruction — something that seems to hold
them back. It could be unresolved anger at a teacher or
parent, feelings of low self-esteem, perhaps due to
interactions with relatives or classmates, and all kinds of
insecure thoughts that have mushroomed as they grew up. They
may find themselves thinking, perhaps subconsciously, 'Why
would anyone want to marry me?' As time passes, the situation
can become more difficult.
How do you go about getting people to discard, or overcome
negative feelings?
When Rosie meets with clients individually, she helps them
discover what is holding them back from dating successfully,
whether it be negative feelings, fears, repressed anger, or
anything else that might be keeping them from achieving their
goal. We do this by discussing their family background, the
way in which they grew up, and what makes them the person
they are today.
We look at their past dating patterns and discuss their
thoughts and feelings, to try to discover what, if anything,
could be blocking them. When we find an obstacle, we use
various therapeutic techniques to try to eliminate it. We
employ a goal-oriented approach to help the course of therapy
move quickly, because the clients want to be able to date
successfully for marriage as soon as possible. The therapy
has benefited many clients, who have gone on to find the
right person and get married.
