Happiness! A much sought-after commodity.
But how many acquire it? The world is full of advertisements
offering happiness — the holiday of a lifetime, a dream
house and other less worthy suggestions. But do these really
bring happiness? They may achieve short-lived pleasure, but
long-term happiness is another matter.
Some people deceive themselves into thinking that they would
be happy if they had made their million. But does wealth
bring genuine happiness? As Rav Dessler zt"l points
out (Michtav MeEliyohu, vol. 1, page 1), the
millionaire may seem happy. But ask him personally and
he may confide in you and tell you of his troubles with his
business or his health or his family.
Others delude themselves with alternative ways to achieve
happiness, but if these relate to material achievements or
acquisitions, they are far from a true solution. Our Sages
tell us (Pirkei Ovos 4:1), "Who is rich? He who is
happy with what he has." Wealth does not bring happiness. It
is the attitude to life, rather than the bank balance, which
brings happiness.
Of course, a person has no right to say, "I'm not going to
worry about money," and instead allow himself to fall into
debt, when with a little more care he could have avoided
this. If he sees no way of getting out of debt and the
situation arose because of his negligence or lack of
foresight, he is condemned as, "The bad man (who) borrows and
does not pay back" (Tehillim 37:21).
What a person should not worry about is keeping up with the
Joneses (or the Cohens). Just because my friends or neighbors
have the latest modern gadgets in and around their home, or
the latest model of car, does it mean I have to have these
things too?
Rav Yisroel Salanter is reported as having said one should
not spend even a small coin unnecessarily. So before buying
something one should consider: Do I really need it? If the
answer is no, then regardless of the tempting discount
— don't buy it. Keep the money for something more
worthwhile.
The Torah warns us against thinking "my strength and the
power of my hand has acquired for me this wealth. Instead you
shall remember it is Hakodosh Boruch Hu who gives you
the strength to acquire wealth" (Devorim 8:17-18). The
Chovos Halevovos explains that if one trusts in Hashem as one
should, one will not rely one one's money but instead regard
oneself as a guardian of money deposited with him, as it
were, to be used in accordance with the wishes of the Divine
Depositor. As long as he has the money he will thank the
Depositor. And if he loses the money he will not mourn his
loss but will thank the Depositor for taking the deposit back
from him. Such a person will be happy with his lot and he
will not desire to get someone else's money (Chovos
Halevovos, Sha'ar Habitochon, Introduction).
If a person looks at life materialistically, the more wealth
he has, the more he will want. "The one who has a hundred
wants two hundred, and he who has two hundred wants four
hundred" (Midrash Rabbah, Koheles 1:34).
So how does one become happy and retain a happy disposition
and outlook throughout one's life? It would seem this can be
achieved by working in two directions.
One is to understand our true relationship with Hakodosh
Boruch Hu. We thank Him every morning for "having given
me all my needs — she'oso li kol tzorchi." This
means nothing comes naturally — everything that happens
to us is by Divine miracle.
The concept of "nature" is an excuse thought of by those who
do not want to accept Hakodosh Boruch Hu as the only
force deciding what happens in the world in general, and to
the individual in particular. The Divine Power affects us
even to the extent that the Midrash says, "for every
breath we breathe we should praise Hashem" (Yalkut Shimoni
on Tehillim, 150). Not only that, but even something that
may appear bad for us, is in fact good, because as Dovid
Hamelech says, "Hashem is good to all, and His mercies are
over all His works"(Tehillim 145:9).
Once we accept these principles, we will realize that we have
an enormous number of reasons to feel grateful to Hakodosh
Boruch Hu. Not just that we can breathe, but that we can
see, walk, talk and think — and so on. Also, we can
wonder at the many extremely complex yet efficient systems
in, for instance, the human body, such as the blood system,
the nervous system and the digestive system. As we say in the
brochoh of Asher Yotzar (after taking care of
our bodily functions) that if one of the closed organs in the
body were to be opened, or one of the open ones were to be
closed it would be impossible to stay alive.
So one can well understand how Iyov could say, "And from my
flesh I see Hashem" (Iyov 19:26).
If only we stop taking things for granted and remember that
everything we have is a gift from Hashem, we will fell
genuinely grateful to Him. This, in turn, will make us happy,
for we have the gift of life and we have been given the
opportunity to live according to Torah and mitzvos. As Rashi
explains (Kiddushin 80b): Why should a person complain
about what happens to him, after he has received all the
kindness that I, Hashem, am doing with him? I have given him
life and not brought death upon him.
So if a person wants to be happy, he should look positively
at what he has. The gift of life and all that goes with it,
is a kindness from Hashem. Let us see the good in it and use
it to the best of our ability to do His will.
The way to do Hashem's will of course requires guidance. One
requires a knowledgeable and G-d-fearing teacher with a lot
of common sense, so that one can learn to serve Hashem
correctly, yet with consistent happiness.
The second way to achieve happiness depends on how we think
of other people and how we relate to them. The Torah tells us
(Vayikra 19:15): You should judge your fellow Jew with
tzedek. Rashi explains this to mean that you should
judge him in the scale of merit. This means to presume any
act of his was good, even though it could possibly be judged
unfavorably.
It is easy to fall into the trap of thinking that what
someone said or did, was with bad intention. Many times one
may be wrong. A whole book has been written about this,
called The Other Side of the Story (By Y. Samet and
published by ArtScroll). If one gets used to judging others
favorably, one is much more likely to retain a happy
disposition than if one looks too critically at others.
This is even if one says nothing and just thinks about
someone. If one tells of one's unfavorable suspicions to
other people, one may well be guilty of loshon hora.
If one is really bothered about another's unfavorable
behavior or speech, one should speak directly to the person
concerned, in a friendly way.
It is not only to think well of others which is required. We
also need to try and help others in any way we can. This will
engender good will, and one will feel happy having given of
oneself without selfish motives. As Rav Dessler said, giving
to others helps us to fulfill the mitzvah of loving our
fellow Jew — the giving (hav in Hebrew) brings
love (ahavoh) as a result.
On the other hand, one should not expect gratitude or even
acknowledgement from the recipient of one's efforts. One will
then never be disappointed at a non-response. It is always
good to be "low in expectation but high in motivation" (Heard
from Reb Yonah Goldhirsh of Bayit Vegan).
There is yet a third factor affecting one's happiness. This
is one's attitude to oneself. If one is too concerned with
material comforts, or is oversensitive to what others say or
think about oneself, one is unlikely ever to be happy.
We should realize that no one is perfect — neither
ourselves, nor anyone else. We should aim for spiritual
perfection, but not be discouraged that we are not there yet.
"The good person even if he falls seven times gets up again,
but the wicked fall once (and despairs of self- improvement)"
(Mishlei 24:16). Similarly, lack of perfection in
others should not frustrate us. We should try in a friendly
way to win them over — if they are prepared to listen.
If they are not, "Just as it is a mitzvah to say what will be
listened to, so it is a mitzvah not to say what will not be
listened to" (Yevomos 65b). This is regarding adults.
Regarding one's own children one has a responsibility to
educate them to become worthy members of our people. If
necessary, ask advice. Rav N. Orlowek says be fair, firm and
friendly to your child (My Child, My Disciple, chapter
4).
So in fact, there are three directions by means of which we
can hope to achieve happiness. First, to appreciate every big
and small thing Hashem has done and continues to do for us,
and to try to respond by keeping His Torah and mitzvos with
renewed vigor. Second, by being helpful to others and being
generous in judging them, without expecting anything in
return. Third, by realizing our good points and by always
aiming to improve, but not being discouraged by our
failures.
It follows that if in general we aim to be positive at all
times — seeing the cup as not half-empty but half-full,
we will surely get help from Hashem to live a life of
genuine, rather than superficial, happiness.
