Question: "I'm very touched by the sensitive thorough manner
in which you tackle the subject of shidduchim. I
decided to write to you anonymously, with the hope that your
wise words would help me. I've been divorced for many years
and have been trying to raise my kids the best way I can.
Nothing prepared me for the challenge of helping my children
in shidduchim. I have a few older single children and
not much contact with shadchonim . . . Anonymous
Answer: The situation of single parents marrying off
children can be very difficult. Many times, one of the
parents is more involved then the other, and consequently has
a lot of responsibility to shoulder. It is hard enough for a
couple working as a team to marry off their children, but
when one parent is alone it's even harder.
I have heard of cases of divorced parents who, although for
obvious reasons were not in contact, both separately do help
the child, considering that their outlooks are similar.
But it gets even more complicated when one parent raised the
child and the other also wants to help but there are
conflicting values. Often, when parents remarry, than there
are even "more then one father and mother in the picture"
(hopefully with the best of intentions).
It goes beyond the scope of this article exactly how to
handle such complex situations. But I will try to bring up
some general thoughts on the subject.
Emotional Support
There is a famous saying that two heads think better than
one. Even the most level-headed single parent needs to seek
guidance. A good friend can be an ozen kasheves, a
faithful listener who needs to be caring and non-
judgmental.
Beyond the particular situation of a divorcee, I often write
about the importance of getting advice from someone older and
wiser. We have to be humble and admit that we don't have all
the answers. By presenting predicaments to life- experienced
individuals, we get a much richer, thorough perspective on
what we are supposed to be doing. I also wrote in a previous
article that since we don't have prophecy nowadays, Hashem
still gives us daas Torah with Divine assistance to
guide us.
I personally know a family whose father is very distant. The
divorced mother purposely looked for a fatherly figure for
her children. Besides her close male relatives who are very
caring, she encouraged her son to have a close relationship
with a warm neighbor. The neighbor made time for them and was
very helpful, especially in the crucial formative years. When
the son became older, he also established an invaluable
relationship with a Rebbi from the yeshiva. The
mashgiach even found time in his extremely busy
schedule to help the mother with shidduchim
inquiries.
I also know many divorcees that felt the need to reestablish
family ties with relatives with whom they weren't much in
touch in the past. The divorcee became closer than before to
immediate family and to more removed relatives like cousins.
A person who feels the need for family involvement will make
an effort to get along and benefit from the positive unique
support that only close relatives can give.
At times, a person can feel alone. It could be natural then
to despair. But don't let a feeling of helplessness dominate
you. Please fight those emotions and make an effort to seek
out others and ask for assistance. It might take time and
effort to find the right shlichim to assist you, but
don't give up.
Making contacts In the realm of practical
hishtadlus, the key is to make connections. In
shidduchim, it is essential to network and reach
out.
We live in a close-knit society. Although the communities are
large, our lives vibrate towards communal life and there are
ways to broaden our relations in the frum world.
Everyone has a best friend, who in turn has a best friend. In
our daily activities we come across relatives, acquaintances,
neighbors, teachers, rebbes, co-workers, etc.
You might assume that your relations know your children.
That's true, but at the same time, people have very busy
lives and can't possibly be attentive to everyone's needs.
They might have even thought of your children at some point.
But for one reason or another, refrained from bringing up
suggestions. They might know you or only part of the family,
and therefore not know enough about your situation. Or they
might even want be helpful, but not know how to go about
it.
People need to be reminded and sometimes even gently nudged.
And still, if whoever you talk to doesn't know how they can
be of assistance, you can always ask for ideas from others
they know who are indeed well connected.
Obviously, you need to approach acquaintances who are caring
and resourceful. And even if a conversation doesn't seem to
lead anywhere, hopefully, that person will be kind enough to
make the effort to mention your children in their
davening. And who knows? Maybe that's exactly the
hishtadlus that will open the doors to the great
yeshuah! Prayer should never be underestimated! And
the main one Hashem wants to hear is from your child (and
you)!
Contacting Shadchonim
Obviously, you are looking for contacts who know candidates
in the category you're looking for. Not all shadchanim
relate to older singles. Clarify this when you first call, to
avoid unnecessary disappointment and waste of time.
Besides the so called "professional matchmakers," there are
teachers, Rebbes, etc. that could just be the right link. For
example, if you have older daughters, you might want to get
to people with connections with yeshivas that have older
bochurim. Or even if they are not learning full time,
they might still study on some part-time level in certain
kollelim. People try to stick to a group that fits them in
one way or another. In general, an older bochur won't
feel so comfortable in a yeshiva with young single boys.
Preferably, call shadchanim who were highly
recommended by people you trust. Besides reliability, you
want to call successful individuals. Unfortunately, there are
more than enough well-intentioned ladies out there who lack
the insight and don't know what involves setting up a couple.
For example, some might insist on pushing down your throat an
offer that you clearly know is not in the ball park. Others
might not be discreet and sensitive.
I personally prefer to work with referrals. If someone calls
recommended by someone I trust, it is much easier to make the
acquaintance. But an unknown call will take me more time to
place and verify the information. I therefore suggest that
whenever possible, when you make the introductory call to the
shadchan, give her a reference point. If you heard
about her from her friend Mrs. G., automatically you are no
longer a total stranger to the matchmaker, but "her friend's
friend."
That's how a lot of the relations in the Torah world develop.
For example, regarding admittance to a seminary. The way to
do it is through people you know who are connected to that
school. Unless, you have a child who already attends the
institution or you yourself are a well- known public figure,
the registrar will want to make sure that your daughter is
suitable for the institution by checking her out through
their own channels . . .
And even if the shadchan doesn't have ideas at the
present, don't give up. Try to keep in touch with her. I
always say that the number of suggestions don't impress me.
To throw names on the table anyone can do; it can only be
taken seriously if the suggestions seem relevant.
Older Singles
Having a child in shidduchim is hard enough. Having
one older single — harder. But a few older singles . .
. that's very stressful (to put it mildly)!
Older singles are often "burned out,' tired of all the years
of the shidduchim "roller coaster." The accumulated
disillusionments, frustrations, and bitterness take their
toll, not only on the tired individual but on the mother as
well.
Even the family, friends and shadchanim sometimes feel
let down after years of setting someone up. No one has the
right to judge your child. We don't always understand why
some get married with the first one they met, while others
suffer through years of watching their classmates and
companions marry, while they have to wait longer . . . We are
dealing with people with feelings, wants and complexities . .
.
I can have lots of ideas of who Malky should or shouldn't
meet. But who am I ? I can't live her life. And more than
that, I'm not in control. If the Ribono Shel Olom doesn't
wish it, there is no amount of pushing that will bring those
two individuals together . . .
Even if you feel that they should be more open to certain
suggestions, you have to be tactful. No one likes to be told
what to do. An adult is an adult, even though s/he is your
child.
Often the child has the most difficulty receiving guidance
precisely from parents, for many reasons, perhaps mostly
because of the generation gap. Parents and children have
different life experiences and society changes quickly, even
if deep down, the love and Torah are immutable.
If you are sure that your child is not being realistic and
has issues to be worked out and you can't help, encourage the
guidance from an additional older person. Hopefully, a
logical, well-supported insight from a respected figure will
influence one to rethink priorities. Hopefully, daas
Torah will put most of us in our place. Encourage your
child to talk to a rav to clarify what is a must to look for
and what to compromise on.
I know of older singles who at a certain point finally
considered options they wouldn't hear of when they were 18.
The main point I want to make here is that whatever decisions
are made should be done with good common sense and thought. A
person has to be realistic, know the situation they were put
into and be aware that nothing in life is perfect. But they
should hopefully feel good about their choices and in the
company of whom they marry.
By being as calm as possible and trying to internalize that
Hashem will help, you'll be able to give the most
encouragement to your child. We are not in control and never
are alone — may the Only One Who can help bring the
salvation soon and answer all our prayers!
Rebbetzin Travis has many years of experience and success
in helping people through shidduchim. Please note that
all names have been changed unless specified with the
exception of well-known public figures like Gedolim
and educators. Any comments, questions and stories can be
sent to: travisdn@013.net or at (02) 656- 3111
