Question:
Dear Shadchente,
I enjoy your columns and wondered if you could dedicate some
space to a "Readers Guide to Shidduch Lingo." Even though I
have B"H married off some children, after a break of a few
years, I feel like I need a refresher course in order to
understand what people say regarding potential candidates for
marriage. With time, I have grown more skeptical and cannot
just swallow some descriptions that are common hyperbole.
The issue that bothers me most is how to find out if girl/boy
are wholesome and stable people. It has even gotten to a
point, where I heard some hemming and hawing from a family
friend and just had to ask, "Is the fellow taking a lot of
medication?" I had not been given any info about this but
sensed something was being held back.
The surprising answer was, "No, he is just taking a small
dosage of medicine, occasionally." We do not want to infringe
on people's privacy, nor intimate that we cannot accept
people who need medication for mental health problems, but I
do feel, as a parent, that it is my responsibility to know
basic facts about the mental health situation of a potential
mate for my children. Any clues?
Thanks again for your illuminating column,
SF
Answer:
Dear SF,
Mr. And Mrs. Levi (all names changed) were pleasantly
surprised that an important family like the Jacobs considered
making a shidduch with them. Both Rabbi and Rebbitzen
Jacobs are very well known and sought-after leaders and
educators. He is a famous dayan and posek and
she is the principal of a seminary. The Levis assumed that
because their son is very special, the other side overlooked
background differences.
The Levis were astonished when during sheva brochohs,
their son sadly shared that on the night of the wedding, the
kallah revealed that she suffers from a psychiatric
condition. As of today, she is not fully functional and the
Levis feel deeply hurt that this important piece of
information was omitted . . .
I know a woman who, besides inquiries, strongly advises her
children to talk about health issues on a date, before they
finalize the engagement. But we have to realize that not
everyone would be able to openly admit such serious issues,
even though halochoh would likely expect them to do
so. We can't naively sit around and wait for others to be
yirei Shomaim, hoping that they will be able to stand
by a psak to disclose what they so much want to keep
as private as possible.
What is emotional stability?
At the same time, we do want to feel assured that the
potential spouse has a general level of emotional well-
being, often called mental health. From the shadchan's
chair, when people ask who do I deal with, whom do I set up,
my first answer is "marriageable material."
Is the person prepared and able to handle dating and
marriage? I don't mean a high level of wisdom or "know-how."
But there is a certain definition of a mature adult,
competent, able to cope with routine and daily
tribulations.
While Benny might be looking for an unusually great
baalebuste and his sister Hindy for a good learner;
there is something in common with all successful people. If
the girl suggested to Benny is so obsessive about cleaning
that it is classified as a compulsion and disrupts her other
responsibilities, we know that there is a problem. If Hindy's
shidduch is a good learner but completely detached
emotionally, there would be an indication that he will have
difficulty functioning on an interpersonal level.
The previous examples are very different but illustrate the
point that despite certain positive features, one has to have
what it takes to fulfill his responsibilities as an oved
Hashem, spouse, parent, etc.
There is an understanding of "emotional and psychological
well-being in which an individual is able to use his or her
cognitive and emotional capabilities, function in society,
and meet the ordinary demands of everyday life." In a broader
sense, it includes appropriate thinking, communication
skills, learning, emotional growth, resilience, and self-
esteem.
I avoid the definition of normal, because within the typical
range, people can be diametrically opposed, but still well-
adjusted and integrated. In a more concrete level, I am
referring to the consistency of study/work routine and even
maintaining, as well as, cultivating relationships.
Webster further defines stability as the strength to stand or
endure; firmness, as the ability to withstand force or
stress. So although we have ups and downs, there is an
internal ability to maintain internal balance and self-
control, to persistently move ahead and do the best even when
the going gets tough. Precisely this backbone aspect of being
able to tolerate stress and move on will determine the
possibility to face challenges, trying to overcome them.
It reminds me of an unusual compliment I heard recently.
Someone mentioned that if an emergency broke out in the room
where he is, Ann's chosson would be the first one
called. He is a very dependable, reliable, levelheaded
person. Although, there is no lack of responsibilities when
one is single, building a family is extremely fulfilling but
nonetheless very challenging. Where there was only `me,' a
person needs to get accustomed to `we' and `ours.' This need
to give is the beauty of extending oneself for his household.
But it doesn't come naturally, for it needs constant work . .
. especially when things do not work out as planned, or as we
wished they would . . .
We all have, more often than we would like, days where we
feel that the pressure builds up to an almost intolerable
level. Sometimes, one thing after another just seems to go
wrong. OK, one could get discouraged or despair. But we keep
going . . . This balance is a very praiseworthy quality that
successful people usually possess. It is what keeps a
frustrated person from an angry outburst . . . It is what
prevents a spouse from venting on a partner, after a hard
day. Or in our subject, that's what makes one want to keep
trying to find their zivug, making every effort and
trying to make sound decisions . . .
Checking for Stability
An American observant psychiatrist wrote: ". . . To be fair,
many fully appropriate questions are also asked: questions
about schooling, aspirations, family relationships, religious
commitment, aliyah, etc. I would like to believe that most
families still confine themselves to these kinds of
questions.
"However, when I am called about prospective mates whom I
know, I am almost never asked about their chessed, how
much charity they give, if they are respectful to parents and
friends, if they visit their grandparents, if they are honest
in business, if they pay their taxes, if they swindle the
government, if they are kind, etc."
What the professional above wrote should be a lesson to all
of us. Remember that unless the specific question targets
what is important to you, general descriptions won't assure
you that you share the same values. The same is true
regarding basic information in other areas as well. If
emotional stability is important for you, you have to try to
inquire about it from different angles. There are factors of
outward religious observance such as coming to minyan
and maintaining learning partners, attending studies and
holding down a job. It shows if a person is consistent. Can
the person in question be dependable as well? You can ask the
boss if he can count on his employee to fulfill a certain
task she is asked to do. If a neighbor needs something, will
s/he try to help?
Yoni had a hard time in yeshiva, but eventually got back into
things. His difficulty was not major. A Rav told me that now
we know that he can overcome a hard period. What about others
who get everything on a "silver platter?" How will they react
in a crisis? All families go through difficult periods. You
can try to ask how the person deals with stress. None of us
are made of iron. But I would be worried about someone who
breaks at every little problem . . .
Challenges are not necessarily a mark against a person. How
many orphans, for example, have developed themselves to
become wonderful people! How many Holocaust survivors built
healthy, wonderful homes! On the another hand, even if at
face value we don't want to get into a situation that is
complicated, deep down all families do have "skeletons in the
closet" . . . You can't expect to find out everything about
the suggestion. But at least you want basic knowledge that
the person considered is a functioning, well-adjusted
person.
The more you can ask people you trust, the better. Someone
that is coming from your side and has a responsibility to
you, hopefully will have your best interests in mind. Besides
that, asking a casual acquaintance could also help as a
broader view of the prospective shidduch. Neighbors
often know a lot, but don't always have a close
connection.
I have seen people who are constantly searching for a fitting
group or yeshiva. They just can't stay put in one place.
There could be a reason. For example, someone might have come
from abroad and is still settling down. But if in the past
two years, he went to eight different yeshivos, you need to
ask why. If his future plans are very hazy and he has no idea
what he is planning to do with his life, how can he drag in a
future wife and a family on that adventure? Obviously, there
are future variables that no one knows, but someone ready for
marriage should at least have some idea of what he wants from
life.
But if he is a solid ben Torah now, mature, and level-
headed, you hope that wherever life takes him, he will remain
loyal to his principles and make decisions carefully. I have
heard of many idealistic girls whose dreams are far removed
from reality and who have a hard time settling down in
marriage with a man who is less than perfect, and the daily
responsibilities of running a family. But if, as a girl, she
had the maturity to face and handle her tasks, you hope that
emotionally, she will also be able to cope and keep growing
with her husband.
This balance is especially critical to check in a baal/as
tshuvah or convert. They can be outstanding individuals,
but they did go through changes in their lives. You will want
to be assured that s/he is fully committed on the path s/he
has chosen and that his/her decisions are solid and stable.
Or let's consider a divorcee. Before agreeing to the
suggestion, you will definitely want to know what were the
reasons for the divorce. You want to make sure that he is the
type of person who will be committed to doing whatever
possible to make things work out in marital harmony. It
definitely requires basic good traits to live under the same
roof with another person, avoiding fights and building a
loving family atmosphere.
The Power of Speech
I hope you will benefit from my painful memories of the
misconceptions about Ber. He comes from a fine, solid
American family. The parents are well known as pillars of
their community. From certain information given to me about
him, I thought of a possibile shidduch. Upon inquiring
on basic facts, I got some leads to references that could
give additional particulars. The feedback I got from more
than one was that he is "strange, even weird." I asked what
that was based on. The answers were vague. One person even
thought he has a psychiatric problem. But the reasons were
not at all conducive to such serious suspicions. I was
advised to put the shidduch on hold.
Meanwhile, I met the young man. When I spoke to his mother
and checked further, it came out that all sorts of rumors
were being spread. I found out that, in fact, there is
something unique about him. Do you know what? Since he is
gifted, other people don't always understand his train of
thought and mode of expression. At the same time, he does
have friends and close relationships. But more than that, he
has held on for a long time to a high-responsibility job that
most couldn't have maintained. There were never any questions
that there was any mental problem whatsoever. He functions
normally.
So what disturbed the people, I asked. He is a bit socially
awkward; that's noticeable. But how many of us are perfect?
What is normal, anyway? We have to be so careful about we say
and how we say it! We don't want to be responsible for
ruining someone's reputation! In the situation above, people
jumped to conclusions that were far from the truth. We have
to distance ourselves from falsehood. You can consider a
negative report, but you can't take it at face value as the
absolute reality. It takes a certain understanding to figure
out where someone is coming from.
For that reason, we have to avoid judging people and placing
them into set categories. Even when our questioning might be
necessary but uncomfortable for the other side, we will
exercise caution and sensitivity. For even when our paths are
not meant to meet, we do care about the reputation of every
Jew. Yet with all the possible resources and information at
hand, we still need to walk into a shidduch knowing
that, beyond this, we need tremendous Heavenly Assistance!
Rebbetzin Travis has many years of experience and success
in helping people through shidduchim. PLEASE NOTE THAT ALL
NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED UNLESS SPECIFIED WITH THE EXCEPTION
OF WELL-KNOWN PUBLIC FIGURES LIKE GEDOLIM AND
EDUCATORS. Any comments, questions and stories can be sent
to: travisdn@013.net or at (02) 656-3111
