A pleasant customer entered the grocery store and
complimented the storekeeper on his good service, the
impeccable order in the store and the fact that his customers
were growing. The storekeeper returned to his home in a good
mood and praised his wife on the tasty food she prepared. The
mother, wrapped in the joy of fulfillment, praised her
children on their good behavior. The children, pleased with
the compliment, went down to play and acted unusually nice to
their friends. The compliment snowballed, leaving behind it a
trail of smiles and satisfaction.
"Every smile creates a smile in response," says Rav Simcha
Cohen. "A small baby who is smiled at reacts happily and
smiles. And the opposite, when you look at him with an angry
face, he immediately begins to cry. The same is true of
interpersonal relationships. Think of someone you know whom
you prefer to spend time with more than others. No doubt,
this is a person who appreciates what you do, greets you with
a radiant countenance and knows how to say a good word to
you. It's natural that people want to be in the company of
pleasant people who project happiness and openness. And it
will be projected back to them in the same way."
A person who feels that he is not loved or appreciated by
those around him, in most cases, will also project a closed,
cloudy countenance, be sparse with his compliments and
silent. Therefore people tend to keep a distance from him to
avoid getting hurt.
"Every action that we take influences the next person," says
Rav Simcha Cohen. "Every smile creates a smile in return:
Each compliment yields praise; every warm contact, pleasantly
warms the next person." Compliments, smiles and words of
encouragement are like precious gems which are all the more
precious due to their rarity. If they were removed,
interpersonal relationships would be paved with stones and
landmines lacking any charm. Even our health is influenced by
warm relationships. Therefore, professionals insist that it's
important to warm up the atmosphere at home.
As a Face Reflected in Water
On the evening that Tamar married off her oldest daughter,
the mood of her good friend Miriam was at rock bottom. She
found out that she was about to be fired from her job and she
was anxious. She didn't have the strength to go to the
wedding and certainly not to rejoice. But Tamar was her soul
sister from childhood and one doesn't disappoint a good
friend. With a tight face and pinched lips she entered the
hall, coldly murmuring, "Mazel Tov," to those around her. The
reaction was the same. Her acquaintances responded with an
apathetic, "Mazel Tov," and left her out of the circle.
Miriam felt alone and neglected. Fortunately, only a few
minutes passed before her cell phone rang. She stepped out to
talk: On the other end was the secretary of the office where
she worked, apologizing for the wrong information she had
given her that morning and telling her she wasn't going to be
fired after all. A smile of relief spread across Miriam's
face. With a light heart, she returned to the hall and this
time her joyous cry of "Mazel Tov" gladdened the friends who
had arrived while she had been outside. She received exactly
the same response. She was surrounded by warmth and joy.
Rav Simcha Cohen: A warm person feels more accepted in
society. People love him because he smiles, people welcome
him and appreciate him. When a new lecturer or teacher has
stage fright, I tell them to stand in front of the audience
and smile. Automatically, the audience will smile too. As
soon as the new speaker sees the smiles of his audience, it
gives him a feeling of confidence and the feeling that his
audience is nice and cooperative . . . he completely forgets
that the audience is simply returning his smile to him.
The esteemed educator, Rav Meir Munk, brings a parable from
the Maggid of Dubnow: A respected and very rich man suffered
greatly from his only son who was in the habit of stealing
from peddlers every day after school. When the victims came
to complain, he immediately reimbursed them and then scolded
his son and punished him severely. The rebuke didn't help and
the event repeated itself daily. In desperation, the father
consulted a wise man.
The next day, when the son was ready to go to school, his
father said: "My dear son, I've decided that you can't go to
school like the other children. You are the offspring of a
rich and influential family. Your grandfather was a rabbi,
his father was a known gaon. I can't send you by
yourself to school. Therefore I have invited a few musicians
to accompany you and to play tunes and proclaim loudly before
you: `Make way! Here comes the son of so-and-so, the grandson
of so-and-so, the great-grandson of so-and-so, going to the
home of his rabbi to learn Torah!'
"For a time, they gave the child the respect due to kings and
uplifted him. The boy felt in his heart that his father and
those around him respected him and so his behavior was
respectful in return: Slowly but surely, he abandoned his bad
habits and with time, he invested his energies into Torah
study and fear of Hashem. The change was effected
pleasantly."
Instead of tying up the boy with chains of iron and having
him beaten by police, the father tied him up with the chains
of love and gave him an orchestra to accompany him. And what
was the orchestra for? It was to watch over him but in a
pleasant way. The boy returned the action measure for measure
and he became an aristocratic son.
A great deal can be achieved by relating warmly, even a
turnaround in bad character traits.
Warming Up the Home Atmosphere
"It is imperative to first and foremost create a warm and
peaceful atmosphere in the home," emphasizes Mrs. Rachel
Arbus, a parent counselor. "Our children need food, a home,
sleep, a feeling of comfort, but above all, they want to feel
loved. A home has to be organized and suited for children,
but more than anything else, in has to be imbued with a
supportive, pleasant and accepting atmosphere. There is
nothing that increases a person's vitality and his ability to
realize his potential like the knowledge that he is
appreciated. Inasmuch as no one would leave his child an
entire day without nourishment, warmth is a vital nutrient
that our children need in the same measure. A child who
receives warmth and attention is a child with the ability to
grow and flourish.
"A positive and warm atmosphere at home isn't achieved in a
day and it isn't an easy task. It's hard work that requires a
great deal of investment. Every child is different from his
siblings and we need to be creative in building the home
greenhouse."
Rav Munk says: "There are a few fundamental ingredients that
make up a positive home environment. One of them is warmth
and love. Most of the problems in chinuch are rooted
in the fact that the child doesn't feel good at home. More
than once, parents come and relate that their children have
taken things without permission or have done very serious
things. If we investigate, we find that the child is stressed
out, even though no one at home is talking to him about
anything stressful but the heart of the child senses it. If,
when you project tension to a child, even unintentionally,
the child becomes tense, it goes without saying if one
rebukes and scolds him he will react the same.
Rabbi Yechiel Yaakobson: "A tense home is not a rarity
because life in our times is very stormy. A difficult
economic situation provides the constant pressure of earning
a living as well as tending to a house and a large family.
All this makes life a constant whirlwind, a round-the-clock
race and the pressures of getting it all done. When a mother
returns home up-tight from her work, the child perceives it
as directed at him personally because of his egocentric
perspective, according to which he believes that everything
is because of or for him. He's sure that his parent is tense
because of him. If during the day, the atmosphere at home is
edgy and if everything is conducted under stress, the child
feels that he is the reason for that stress and tension, that
he's the source of it all and he becomes frustrated."
Rav Yaakobson names three critical times during which if we
do our utmost, we're guaranteed of having done most of the
work in raising calm children and in creating a pleasant
atmosphere at home:
"The first critical time — at night before bed. It's
recommended to tie up all loose ends with the child before
sleep so that he can end the day with a hug and a kiss and
caress. The power of a good word and a smile can erase all
the unpleasant events of the day and allow the child to fall
asleep content and wake up feeling calm the next day. If you
can, also sing a lullaby or tell a story. In spite of all the
other never-ending distractions and problems, it's worth
dedicating ten minutes before sleep to this. At night, the
child blows up what happened during the day beyond all
proportions. A punishment awaiting him on the morrow looms
menacingly and causes tension and exaggerated fears.
The second critical time: Getting up in the morning. In the
morning, the child is awake, aware and analyzes the
interpersonal relationships at home. When he receives support
and encouragement at home, his ability to cope with
difficulties outside it improves and he's more prone to
success. A lack of or small amount of support, without
encouragement will lead to his having difficulty coping
outside. If the day begins well for the child, his entire day
will continue on the same track. Parents who have tried this
have reported amazing success with regards to the child's
studies and social life. Despite the difficulty and strain of
the morning, it's worth making the effort to succeed.
One can get up a quarter of an hour earlier, creating a major
change in the morning routine. The hassle, rush, and scolding
end a quarter of an hour earlier. At seven-thirty everyone is
already ready and the remaining quarter of an hour can be
used for conversation, a good word, a smile or a joke that
will make the child's day. The children will leave the house
calmly. Happy music can also make the morning and the entire
day for the child and those he comes in contact with.
The third critical time is when the children return home from
school. With all the stress and tension, the child has to be
welcomed home warmly, with a good word, a kiss and a smile
and maybe even a favorite treat. Even if your child was
disruptive in school, welcome him with a smile! You'll
discipline him later. The child looks to the home as a place
where he can free himself from the pressures of school and
when he isn't able to, he feels trapped, that he has nowhere
to go. A lot of stress accumulates inside him which
influences negatively on the home. Therefore, it isn't
recommended to interrogate him immediately upon returning
home or to test his knowledge.
"During those three times, the child assesses the way his
parents feel about him and accordingly, his relationship to
those around him. His parents' behavior, especially during
those times affects him his whole life. Therefore, we have to
try to provide the child with a warm feeling especially
during these hectic times even if we don't have the strength
to always follow the rules."
Rav Simcha Cohen points to an additional family time that
makes for a close-knit atmosphere — the Shabbos table.
"The singing during the meals is very unifying. It's even
more praiseworthy if the father places a warm hand on his
son's shoulder while projecting affection and maybe dancing
with him between courses. The Shabbos melodies are etched in
the heart of the child for days and years. It's told that
Maran Hagaon Rebbe David Povarski zt'l, sang Shabbos
songs during the war years. His son asked him why he was
singing while everyone else was crying? He answered him, "I
don't know where you will end up, but at least you should
have the flavor of Shabbos."
Rav Cohen notes two approaches in giving affection to
children: The first claims: If I hug my children and pamper
them emotionally they will always want attention. The second
approach is the opposite, — if I pamper my children
when they're young, they'll grow up independent and when
they're mature they won't need attention or the approval of
their friends. For the most part, the second approach is
correct. Children who receive love and affection when they're
young [and not spoiling] are children who need less emotional
support when they're older.
[Part II next week]
