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Home
and Family
Skivving
[better known in Americanese as `copping out']
by A. Ross, M.Ed.
The verb 'to skive' is actually a slang expression, but it
best describes how someone evades work unobtrusively. There
are children, and adults too, who disappear when they feel
they might be called upon to do some work. They are suddenly
there when the work is completed. The following is a typical
example of skiving, or skiving off, as they call it.
"He's done it again, he's gone out to play and left me to do
his jobs," Tirza called out angrily. Her mother sighed. She
knew that Dovid had indeed gone out to play, without
permission, and that, as usual, he had neglected to clear the
supper table. They were eight close-born children, between
five and thirteen. Each child had always helped in the house
willingly, each according to his ability, till the mother
noticed that Dovid, aged ten, disappeared regularly when
there was work to be done. She began to take notice, and
realized that sometimes he would bribe someone. "I'll give
you some of my stamp collection if you sweep the floor
instead of me," or to a younger child, "You can have my
potato chips if you . . . " Often he would just 'forget' to
do a particular task.
There was a rule in the house among the older children that
if a boy wanted to go and learn instead of helping, he could
do so. There was no censure or argument; it was an accepted
fact, a boy's priority was learning and not housework.
Michoel, aged twelve, took advantage of this rule, as did the
eight-year-old. They did not like housework, but they did
enjoy learning, and it was obvious that they were trying to
avoid the chores. However, on a Friday afternoon they worked
with a will. Dovid was different, he just did not like to
exert himself in any way.
It is counterproductive to label the child and call him lazy.
Frequently, it is the oldest child, although in our example
it was not, who tries to escape responsibility. This might be
because we expect too much of him. He might deliberately do
the task badly, so that he is not required to do it another
time, or he might vanish from the scene to avoid being
chutzpahdig: it is difficult to refuse a request for
help, politely. Some children cannot follow a series of
instructions easily. In a large family this goes unnoticed
except that the child is always in trouble when he thinks the
task is complete. "I told you to clear the whole room; there
are still socks on the floor and the books are not tidy."
It might take a while for the mother to discover why her
child is like this. Most children will do anything to help a
loved one, so where is the problem? A child will run to help
his father or his grandmother, but will skive off when his
mother needs help. The mother must learn to be less
censorious, and more lavish with her approbation. This advice
is often extremely difficult to follow, but pays handsome
dividends if it becomes a way of life! Sometimes it is simply
a dislike of one particular task.
One extremely fastidious boy would not do any 'dirty work,'
as he called it. This included washing dishes, cleaning the
table, emptying the trashcan, or anything which entailed
removing dirt. However, he folded laundry meticulously and
became an expert at ironing. In Israel, taking out the
trashcan can be a traumatic experience even for an adult, if
a hungry family of cats is interrupted in the middle of a
meal, and they jump out in fright. The child might just be
too frightened to take out the trashcan in the future.
The oldest girl in a large family was far from proficient in
housework. However, she excelled in calming the younger ones
and getting them to bed at night. The second girl received
all the praise and credit for her efficiency in the kitchen,
till the mother realized that the older girl also took a
great deal of responsibility, but in a different way. When
the older girl received the praise due to her, she also began
to be a little more helpful in other things.
Another child was painfully shy and disliked running errands;
she claimed she was 'allergic' to shopping. Although this
would have been the best cure for her timidity, one cannot
force it. One can effect the cure very gently and gradually.
Actually, if a child is just shy, why do we have to change
this trait? In our society and culture, particularly in
America, children are assertive and bold, almost from birth;
people admire them and tell them they are 'cute.' Yet many
children are reserved by nature and will develop very well in
their own way. Even an introverted or withdrawn child, within
reason, as long as it is not extreme, does not really need a
'cure', but that is not the subject of this article!
Many mothers might find it easier and more convenient to do
without the child's help. Who wants help which is done
halfheartedly and with a sour face? However, for the child to
develop into a responsible adult, he has to learn to take
responsibility. He has to learn that people depend on him and
that he is accountable for his actions. Although, as said, it
would be easier to do the job herself, a mother has to help
this child, and teach him how to do his tasks. When it comes
to clearing a room, she may have to do it with him, help him
along, giving him one task at a time. The task has to be
interspersed with lavish praise. It is irresponsible on the
part of a mother to let the child shirk his duties
constantly. It is quicker to take the trashcan out herself,
or ask one of the others to do it, as Dovid 'forgot' again.
However, Dovid will not feel good about himself and will be
forever branded as the useless one.
As in all areas where we try to help our children (and
ourselves) improve, we must take one step at a time. In the
case of Dovid, Mother can either let him choose one
particular task which is his sole responsibility, or she can
allot the task. After that, she has to be consistent, and
patient. He may not foist the job on anyone else. Regular
praise and appreciation is axiomatic for all the children,
but particularly for Dovid. He might not become the family
workaholic, but at least he will learn responsibility and
accountability.
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