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8 Adar 5766 - March 8, 2006 | Mordecai Plaut, director Published Weekly
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Home and Family

Skivving
[better known in Americanese as `copping out']

by A. Ross, M.Ed.

The verb 'to skive' is actually a slang expression, but it best describes how someone evades work unobtrusively. There are children, and adults too, who disappear when they feel they might be called upon to do some work. They are suddenly there when the work is completed. The following is a typical example of skiving, or skiving off, as they call it.

"He's done it again, he's gone out to play and left me to do his jobs," Tirza called out angrily. Her mother sighed. She knew that Dovid had indeed gone out to play, without permission, and that, as usual, he had neglected to clear the supper table. They were eight close-born children, between five and thirteen. Each child had always helped in the house willingly, each according to his ability, till the mother noticed that Dovid, aged ten, disappeared regularly when there was work to be done. She began to take notice, and realized that sometimes he would bribe someone. "I'll give you some of my stamp collection if you sweep the floor instead of me," or to a younger child, "You can have my potato chips if you . . . " Often he would just 'forget' to do a particular task.

There was a rule in the house among the older children that if a boy wanted to go and learn instead of helping, he could do so. There was no censure or argument; it was an accepted fact, a boy's priority was learning and not housework. Michoel, aged twelve, took advantage of this rule, as did the eight-year-old. They did not like housework, but they did enjoy learning, and it was obvious that they were trying to avoid the chores. However, on a Friday afternoon they worked with a will. Dovid was different, he just did not like to exert himself in any way.

It is counterproductive to label the child and call him lazy. Frequently, it is the oldest child, although in our example it was not, who tries to escape responsibility. This might be because we expect too much of him. He might deliberately do the task badly, so that he is not required to do it another time, or he might vanish from the scene to avoid being chutzpahdig: it is difficult to refuse a request for help, politely. Some children cannot follow a series of instructions easily. In a large family this goes unnoticed except that the child is always in trouble when he thinks the task is complete. "I told you to clear the whole room; there are still socks on the floor and the books are not tidy."

It might take a while for the mother to discover why her child is like this. Most children will do anything to help a loved one, so where is the problem? A child will run to help his father or his grandmother, but will skive off when his mother needs help. The mother must learn to be less censorious, and more lavish with her approbation. This advice is often extremely difficult to follow, but pays handsome dividends if it becomes a way of life! Sometimes it is simply a dislike of one particular task.

One extremely fastidious boy would not do any 'dirty work,' as he called it. This included washing dishes, cleaning the table, emptying the trashcan, or anything which entailed removing dirt. However, he folded laundry meticulously and became an expert at ironing. In Israel, taking out the trashcan can be a traumatic experience even for an adult, if a hungry family of cats is interrupted in the middle of a meal, and they jump out in fright. The child might just be too frightened to take out the trashcan in the future.

The oldest girl in a large family was far from proficient in housework. However, she excelled in calming the younger ones and getting them to bed at night. The second girl received all the praise and credit for her efficiency in the kitchen, till the mother realized that the older girl also took a great deal of responsibility, but in a different way. When the older girl received the praise due to her, she also began to be a little more helpful in other things.

Another child was painfully shy and disliked running errands; she claimed she was 'allergic' to shopping. Although this would have been the best cure for her timidity, one cannot force it. One can effect the cure very gently and gradually. Actually, if a child is just shy, why do we have to change this trait? In our society and culture, particularly in America, children are assertive and bold, almost from birth; people admire them and tell them they are 'cute.' Yet many children are reserved by nature and will develop very well in their own way. Even an introverted or withdrawn child, within reason, as long as it is not extreme, does not really need a 'cure', but that is not the subject of this article!

Many mothers might find it easier and more convenient to do without the child's help. Who wants help which is done halfheartedly and with a sour face? However, for the child to develop into a responsible adult, he has to learn to take responsibility. He has to learn that people depend on him and that he is accountable for his actions. Although, as said, it would be easier to do the job herself, a mother has to help this child, and teach him how to do his tasks. When it comes to clearing a room, she may have to do it with him, help him along, giving him one task at a time. The task has to be interspersed with lavish praise. It is irresponsible on the part of a mother to let the child shirk his duties constantly. It is quicker to take the trashcan out herself, or ask one of the others to do it, as Dovid 'forgot' again. However, Dovid will not feel good about himself and will be forever branded as the useless one.

As in all areas where we try to help our children (and ourselves) improve, we must take one step at a time. In the case of Dovid, Mother can either let him choose one particular task which is his sole responsibility, or she can allot the task. After that, she has to be consistent, and patient. He may not foist the job on anyone else. Regular praise and appreciation is axiomatic for all the children, but particularly for Dovid. He might not become the family workaholic, but at least he will learn responsibility and accountability.

 

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