On the first day of school, Chana made chocolate chip
pancakes for Yael. She set up Yael's favorite pink plate that
had colorful pictures of balloons and dolls all around it. On
the folded, white napkin beside the plate, Chana placed a
vitamin next to the fork and knife. Chana poured orange juice
into a large, pink cup and put the blue, spiral straw inside
of it. Yael loved to drink from a straw. When Yael walked
into the kitchen, her gray eyes lit up with delight.
"Ima, can you help me with the top button please?" Yael
asked, as she tried to tuck in the shirt of her uniform.
Chana felt a lump forming in her throat as she looked down at
her first grader. It didn't seem possible that Yael was
already in the first grade. She bent down to button Yael's
shirt and tried to stop her hands from shaking. Meanwhile,
Yael seemed oblivious to her mother's anxiety. She sat down
happily in her seat and chattered on about the plans she had
made with her best friend.
"Tzippy said to bring my sticker book because she wants to
trade with me today. Is that okay, Ima?" Chana nodded with a
smile and walked over to the small, kitchen window. The early
morning sky was cloudy. How did the summer pass so quickly?
How did the years pass without her even realizing it?
Yael was her only child, born after ten years of fervent
prayer and hope. Chana can still remember the first moment
when she held Yael in her arms. The baby had looked up at her
with such startled, trusting eyes and had waved one tiny hand
into the air. Chana can remember staring at that hand for
what seemed like forever. It was a perfect hand with small
pink fingers that seemed to each hold a special miracle. And
as she studied her new baby girl, she saw a hundred miracles
coming alive in her arms.
All her friends had warned her that taking care of a newborn
baby wasn't easy. They spoke of exhaustion and frustration.
But from the moment that she had brought Yael home, Chana
felt only joy. Finally, she could fulfill the tafkid
that she had always known was inside of her. Instead of
feeling tired, Chana woke each day with an endless spurt of
energy. She rejoiced in Yael's every move. Every moment was a
reason to celebrate.
Her first smile. The first time she rolled over. The day she
learned to clap. Her first tooth. The first word. The first
step. And beyond all the firsts, was the astounding reality
of a child; this beautiful combination of herself and her
husband filled with her own special neshomoh.
Chana wanted to keep Yael home forever. When kindergarten
came, Chana was a little anxious, but she soon realized that
not much had changed. The teachers didn't seem to mind if the
girls were a half hour or even an hour late. So Chana and
Yael continued with their long, lazy breakfasts and morning
strolls to school. Now everything would change. Yael wanted
to walk with Tzippy, and of course, Chana understood. She
knew that there would be a point when Yael would want to be
with her friends more than her mother. She just hadn't
realized it would come so soon.
And since the hot, summer afternoon years ago when she had
been holding Yael's pudgy hands as Yael had tried to take her
first steps, Chana had known she would have to let go. She
had let go then, and Yael had taken three, amazing steps
before falling onto the carpet. Chana had crossed her arms to
stop herself from catching her. At first Yael looked startled
when she fell, but then she clapped her hands and giggled.
And Chana knew then that no matter how many times she let go,
she would always have that instinct to reach in and cushion
Yael's falls.
Chana looked now at her daughter who was packing her lunch
into her new, blue knapsack. Her two ponytails bobbed up and
down as she struggled with the zipper. Would Yael be okay in
the enormous elementary school with teachers that Chana
didn't even know? But as Yael stood up to kiss her mother on
the cheek, Chana knew that Yael would be fine. Despite all
the attention and love lavished upon her, Yael wasn't a
spoiled child. She was good-natured and easygoing.
Chana walked her out the door and waved as she spotted Tzippy
in the corner. She watched Yael skip towards her friend, and
she thought her heart would break as they began to walk down
the uneven sidewalk, hand in hand. But just then, Yael turned
around and threw her a kiss. Chana put her hand up into the
air and caught it. And then she turned away and walked
inside. Spotting her red, leather siddur, she picked
it up and began to pour out her heart before the Only One Who
never really lets go. And she felt the comfort of bittersweet
pride surround her.
On that first day of school, Chana realized that a piece of
her was walking around in the world, and she couldn't protect
it anymore. But He could. He always had.
