Sometimes the people close to us can upset us, or make us
feel incompetent. Even if we assume that people don't set out
to hurt us, they can unwittingly treat us in ways that leave
us feeling hurt, undervalued or taken for granted . . . or
any number of other negative feelings. If we can identify
what it is that they are doing that causes these feelings, we
can help us to explain to them how they could do it
differently. Also, we can use these insights to better watch
our own behavior for how it might be affecting others.
So let's say, for example, that one day a wife sits down to
supper with her husband having had a MEGA hassled day. She
feels tired, depressed and overwhelmed. The reasons for how
she feels are pretty straightforward:
The baby was up a lot at night teething, so she started the
day with that 'drag myself out of bed . . . pry my eyes open
. . . what day is it anyway? . . . and where's the coffee?'
sort of feeling. And only yesterday she had read that the
latest research was that there is really no such thing as
teething — Ha! Obviously the person who wrote that
never had a six-month-old baby!
Then when the kids finally were out the door (hurray!), she
felt that familiar pleasure and guilt of knowing that
although she loves her children, she loves them most when
they are out of the house or asleep!
At work, the computer system went down. Then, too many
customers thought she ought to be the natural recipient of
their frustrations. On top of that, her boss was not only
oblivious to her plight but gave her a hard time as well
— and for things that weren't even her fault!
At home, later, the kids were wild, supper burned while she
was dealing with a crisis, (Shloimy had decided that being
dry in Gan was one thing, but home is quite another) and
bedtime was . . . well, I'm sure you get the picture by now .
. . it was definitely 'one of THOSE days — and recently
she had noticed that 'those days' seemed to come more often
than those other sorts of days' . . . The days when the baby
sleeps through, the kids all get out in the morning happy and
calm, with their notes and lunches . . . AND with their
shoes on the right [and left] feet! The bus comes on time,
work is stimulating and not too tiring, the kids play nicely
while she's making supper, and get to bed on time. OK, OK . .
. so maybe that's a bit overdone . . . it's never quite as
good as that . . . but you get the idea.
So there's our 'Supermom' at supper with her husband, who has
had quite an interesting day . . . seems happy chatting all
about it while she serves him nicely, listening to him with
half an ear, just trying to stay on top of things a little
bit longer until she can collapse into bed.
Let's look at how the next half hour can go.
For example, at some point her husband could look up and (in
a hurt voice, of course) say something about her not really
listening to him. At this point, she might reply that she's
sorry, and then tries harder to listen. Perhaps he'll ask
whether she picked up his dry cleaning and she replies
politely that she didn't — sorry, she'll get it
tomorrow . . . or maybe some comment or question will be 'the
last straw' and giving into the weariness and hurt and she
finally says (or THINKS) something like:
"You have no idea what sort of day I've had!!
"All you can think of is yourself — what about
me?!!"
So either she will manage to get through supper without hurt
or an argument . . . or she won't. But either way, even if
they don't fight, they will have passed up an opportunity to
practice proper communication, genuine connection and sharing
and the giving and receiving of emotional support.
She's just trying hard, in stressful circumstances, to be a
good wife. The question is, though, whether being a good wife
in this situation is to swallow her feelings and get through,
or share with him what she's feeling and teach him how to be
supportive.
By pushing herself at this point, she may be making an error.
Because whatever it is that's going on here — it's not
communication. She is struggling to follow what he says and
to remain calm and nice — and he has no idea how she is
feeling, and may be harboring his own hurt as well.
If this sort of scenario repeats itself often enough, she may
start to feel that he really doesn't care about her. Her
understanding of this whole situation might possibly be
different from how he views it.
Women are usually very good at picking up body language and
'vibes,' so she might imagine that her feelings are OBVIOUS
to him, and that he should be able to tell she's worn out and
feeling low. It also might be self-evident to her that if he
did notice, he would surely do or say something to show that
he realizes, (whereas he might not want to pry). So if he
babbles on about his own stuff, without appearing to consider
her feelings, it might start to occur to her that this means
he's insensitive or uncaring.
Unfortunately, if it's not done properly, open and frank
communication at this point has its dangers as well. So
following are some basic 'rules of engagement' for good
communication.
1. If until now there was not very good communication, and
resentments are already stirring, don't despair! If the
determination is there, it's never too late to learn new
habits, and to improve things . . . but it takes time and
effort over an extended period to lay the groundwork.
2. Whenever you are going to bring something up, then you
might consider waiting until the right time — not when
you're "past your sell-by date." It's not helpful to try to
speak calmly when either of you are over-tired, over-
stressed, hungry or in a rush. It's just basic biology
— talking properly takes energy (emotional and
physical), and there's a right time and a wrong time.
3. It's important to try to establish good patterns of
communication early in marriage because by the time the house
is full of young children, there is often very little
emotional and physical space, or time, for it. This in itself
can put a lot of stress on relationships, and add to the
problems. If good patterns are already established, then it's
obviously easier to keep it up.
4. Good communication does not have to mean a lot of talking,
(though it will at the beginning). Remember . . . it's
weight, not volume that counts. Two people can talk for hours
with nothing of emotional significance passing between them.
And on the other hand, understanding, support and love can
pass between two people with very few words, and in very
little time, as long as the groundwork is in place.
Now let's go back to the harried wife. If you can imagine
yourself in this situation, try to work out what you would
want from your husband at this point. If you already have
methods of dealing with these issues and situations, and they
are working for you, then that's terrific. But for many, this
is very challenging. One can feel something's wrong with how
a conversation is going, and know that it's not good . . .
but without being able to identify what would make it
right.
In fact, many women in this situation would despair of their
husbands, and go have a long shmooze with another mother.
There's no understanding like that which comes from someone
in the same boat!
Now I wouldn't want to put anyone off from a long shmooze
with a friend. But let's take a look at why some women find
another woman so much easier to talk to. We can then learn
some valuable lessons in the difference between the way men
and women think and feel. Believe it or not, many men who
don't know already how to offer support the right way (even
though they care and want to) can be taught to do it
differently; they just have to understand how.
A good shmooze with a friend will often help because she
will:
1. Actively listen. Because she's living with the same
issues, she finds the other person's day is actually
interesting to her. Lesson — learn to be interested.
Listen to what's being said. 'What's important to you is
important to me' is a strong message of caring.
2. Not offer advice. Men (women can make this mistake as
well) think they are helping by offering advice . . . We hear
someone's pain and we want to 'rescue' them . . . solve the
problem . . . help them. But what many people really need is
just to be HEARD. Many problems don't even have a 'solution,'
yet people are still helped by speaking them out. Lesson
— just to be heard and understood can help.
3. Validate the pain. The friend will say things like "Yeah,
I know, that's really hard." She won't down-play the problems
by saying they are not so bad . . . they ARE so bad to her
(or at least they FEEL that bad at the moment). The funny
thing is that once she is allowed to feel that it is
that bad, she will often see for herself that it's not so
bad. She can gain the perspective for herself that it "could
be worse," or "others have it worse," or "Boruch Hashem for
only normal problems," etc. . . . after she has been allowed
to express how bad it feels. LESSON — DON'T
MORALIZE.
4. Give the following message — Even though you feel
weak and "down" right now, I trust that you are in reality
strong and capable. She will say things like "I don't know
how you cope! You're amazing that you got as far as
suppertime!" That's another reason why advice giving doesn't
help, because it suggests that she can't solve her problems
herself . . . that she can't cope. LESSON — SHOW
TRUST.
These same elements will help in many relationships. We can
learn to use this way of relating ourselves, and teach
others. We can tell someone . . . "You know, I'd rather you
just listened and tried to understand at the moment, and
maybe we'll discuss solutions later."
This way of communicating is especially important with teens.
When they talk about their problems (if you're lucky to have
a teenager that still speaks to you at all!), then following
the same rules can transform your relationship. Listen
actively (and try to be interested), try to understand (even
if you don't like it — let them know you HEAR it),
don't try to "solutionize" (unless you're asked to —
and even then be very careful!), don't moralize (it is not a
small issue if it's bothering them), and express faith in
their ability to manage. If you're worried they'll think you
don't care enough to help them, you can say "I'm confident
that you can solve this on your own but I'm here for you if
you need help."
If you can identify for yourself the elements in 'good
conversations' — things that work for you . . . help
you feel cared about and supported, then you can pass this
wisdom on to those who care about you, and use it more
effectively to get your message of caring across to
others.
