Many people refer to motherhood as a career. However,
motherhood is primarily a relationship. How is my
relationship with this child today? Is it distant? Is it
warm? Or is it perhaps characterized by conflict? Taking that
step back to look at your relationship with each child allows
you to form a more objective picture of the myriad details of
that day. However, once we see that overall perspective, it
is important to delve into the particulars in order to
improve the relationship. For example, many parents of young
children describe their relationships as mostly tense and
conflicted.
If most of the sentences that you have said to your child
today contain the word "no" or "don't touch that" or "stop
kicking my chair," it may really feel like your whole
relationship with that child is based on struggle. Let's take
a look at some alternatives to some common parenting
challenges.
Challenge:
You're in the supermarket, and your three-your-old daughter
spots a sugar cereal that you don't want to buy. She asks for
it. You say no. She asks again in an escalating whine. Other
shoppers turn to stare. You say no again, beginning to feel
embarrassed.
Common strategy: You give in and buy the cereal.
Alternative strategies to preserve the relationship:
1. Calm Firmness: You calmly tell your daughter that you know
how much she wants the cereal, but Ima has decided not to buy
it because it's not healthy. Then you firmly tell her that if
she continues to kvetch, you will have to leave the
store. Say this is a soft, non-angry tone. Follow through
with this immediately if the tantrum persists, even though
this might mean having to return to the store later without
this child.
2. Enter the Child's World: Tell your daughter that there are
a lot of products in the supermarket that you would love to
have, but you don't eat them because they're not good for
you. Point out the chocolate bars that you love and tell your
daughter that you really want one, but you're not going to
buy it. Then try imagining with your child: I wish I could
have a hundred chocolate bars. How many boxes of cereal do
you wish you could buy?
3. Come Prepared: If you anticipate that your child will want
a treat, try bringing a special snack with you that you
approve of. Or bring a favorite book or small game that the
child can play with in the shopping cart. I know a mother who
brings a small bag of crayons (even one will do) and lets her
child draw on the packages of food that she puts in the
cart.
How these Alternatives Help the Relationship:
Being calm and firm sets crucial boundaries and makes your
child feel secure in your love. When you give a warning that
you will leave in a neutral, non-accusing tone, you are
telling your child that you will not accept this behavior in
a supermarket, but that you still accept him. Entering the
child's world through imagination creates a sense of empathy
and closeness between you.
The child hears the message that Ima understands me and cares
enough to see through my eyes. When you come prepared, the
child senses that you thought about him before you came, in
the same way that a meal set up for our spouse indicates
caring. Using a game that brings the child into the shopping
experience (like the crayons or counting the boxes) makes the
child feel needed and capable.
Practical Tip: Make sure that your child is not hungry or
tired when you go shopping. And if your child is in the
throes of the "terrible twos" and you know that there will
probably be a tantrum, it may be better to shop without this
child until the stage passes.
Challenge:
Your two-year-old and four-year-old are fighting over a
ball.
Common Strategy: You either give the ball to the younger
child because he is little or decide that whoever had it
first, plays with it.
Alternative Strategies:
1. Timer Technique: You keep a sand timer on hand, and show
the children that when the sand gets to the bottom, it will
be time to switch turns with the ball. You may find that the
child who is waiting his turn becomes focused on watching the
sand go down the whole time which is actually quite relaxing
for some children.
2. Exploring Options: You tell the children that you want
them to find a way to play with the ball together. Ask them
if they have any ideas. The older child might suggest a game.
If neither of them can come up with an idea, you can suggest
some ideas.
3. Telling a Story: Tell them a quick story about sharing.
You can make it up or use it from your own childhood
experience. Explain how Hashem wants them to act and how
happy He is when they share. Ask them each to tell you a
story of their own about when they shared (by this point the
toy may be forgotten, but that's okay).
How these Alternatives Help the Relationship:
The timer shows the children a quantity of time that they can
watch and understand. They hear the message that you want
them each to have time with the toy, and that you care enough
to display the time limit in a form they can see. Exploring
options teaches the children to look for creative solutions,
and shows that you value their ideas. Telling your children a
story helps them to see the situation from a less emotional
place, and encourages them to use their imagination.
Practical Tip: If a child has a few special toys that he
doesn't like to share, make sure you designate a specific
spot for them and ask him to play with them there in order
not to tempt other children. Giving the child the choice to
keep one or two toys for himself will make it easier to share
other toys. This also gives the child the message that you
respect him and his possessions.
Challenge:
Your child hits another child.
Common Strategy: Hitting the child's hand while saying: "We
don't hit."
Sending child to time out or taking away a toy.
Alternative Strategies:
1. Modeling Apology: Take the child over to the child that he
hit and ask him to apologize. If he refuses, then show him by
example what to say. For example, say to the hurt child: "I'm
very sorry that Moshe hit you. Hitting hurts and it's not
allowed."
2. Channeling: Try re-channeling the child's hitting
tendencies. Tell him: "You can't hit other people, but if
you're feeling very angry you can hit this pillow."
3. Encourage Verbal Expression: Explain to the child that he
needs to find words to tell his friend why his angry. If the
child can't find words then help him to express himself. For
example, when another child takes his toy: "I'm really angry
at you for taking my toy. I want you to give it back."
Children often need to be taught to communicate with each
other; verbal expression is a learned skill.
How these Alternatives Help the Relationship:
When we model apology with the child, we are giving that
child our support in the interaction. They receive the
message that we are compassionate both to them and the child
who was wronged. Re-channeling the hitting gives the child a
way to vent his frustration without hurting anyone and shows
him that you are not trying to suppress his anger. Instead
you are showing him a healthy way to express it. Encouraging
verbal expression takes this a step further by teaching the
child how to communicate with his playmate.
Practical Tip: If you see your child is in a bad mood, make
sure that he is allowed to play on his own. We all need some
space from others sometimes. Also make sure that you are
providing an outlet for physical energy like riding a bike,
running in the park or playing catch.
These challenges are just some examples of the various
situations that come up each day. However, if we step back to
examine what kind of relationship we want to build with our
children, then it is easier to begin to think of more
creative solutions to our problems.
Children learn how to relate to Hashem through their
relationship with their parents. Make sure that your
relationship with your children is a warm and positive
one.
